Then Sings My Soul Saturday

In my last post I mentioned the song, "Place in this World" by Michael W Smith. In reading- reading- and re-reading the words to this wonderful song (many tears while doing so), I've been able to see a lot of what my heart is feeling lately. Being torn from the only home I've ever known, losing my only family... I'm looking at my life and trying really hard to make sense of it all. I'm trying to figure out where I go from here- I'm trying to listen to God in it all. But, lately I've been wondering if God is hearing me... as the song says, "If there are millions down on their knees... among the many, can you still here me?" I don't feel like God is answering my prayers, so naturally I'm wondering if He's hearing them!! I need His guidance- and honestly I'm not feeling it in the least!! Yes, I have dreams- hopes... I've prayed and prayed for those things. No, not outrageous things like extravagant cars or homes... but simple things like the joy of being a wife and mom. That's ALL I've ever really wanted in life... is it too much to ask of God? At my age, the Mom "thing" is probably out of the question... yah, this makes me really sad... and yes, even a bit angry at God! The husband thing... well after 14 years with David (we were never married nor did we live together, for those who are wondering) I've got a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak, about men. And... can you blame me??? Ok, so I'm learning to adjust to the fact that I'll probably never marry or have kids... but I don't want to spend my life just moving from place to place with no vision or meaning... I just want to serve God- is THAT too much too much to ask of Him too??? Or... is He rejecting me too? I just need to find my place in this world...!!!!



The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me

Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?

Show me, I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... April 12, 2010

Outside my window... yet another incredibly beautiful day... I can't believe how blue and clear the sky is!!!

I am thinking... about who I'm becoming... A few people have told me lately that they've seen a lot of growth and "blossoming" in me.... I keep wondering who they're talking about... it certainly can't be me! I know God has a plan for my life, and referring to the title of my blog, He is calling me to some sort of ministry. That much is very clear to me. But, I'm listening- at least I think I am... why is it that I'm not hearing!? If He wants to use me, He needs to show me... where to go, who to talk with. Am I missing something?? Is my heart not open to His voice? I suppose that could be... I know my relationship with God has been a bit (more than a bit) on the rocky side lately-- it all goes into the trust thing- (see below)...!!! So, who am I becoming?? As I write this, I'm reminded of Michael W Smith's song, "Place in this World". If I have time, perhaps I'll post the words to this tomorrow- the words sooooooooo fit how I'm feeling right now! Ok, so hey God... a word? ...a hint?...a direction?? Please??

I am thankful for... a wonderful, loving and supportive church family!!! They know who I am, and apparently love me anyway... but I guess that's what family is!! They encourage me to grow, cheering me on every step of the way. They cry with me when I'm hurting. They protect me from things (or people) that might harm me. Thank you God, for leading me to CTK and to my special family there!!

I am wearing... jeans, yellow sweater, barefoot

I am remembering... all I've lost over the last months... years... Yes, this is grief!! I've known that all of my pain... tears... were from my loss, but never (until a recent conversation with Fr Nigel) allowed myself to actually call it grief. I think I felt that, with the exception of Ben, my grief wasn't "real", or justified. Fr Nigel talked about "grieving well"... I so hate the phrase, but I finally understand how he means it. I was not grieving well... in that I was not allowing myself to feel or acknowledge the severity of my loss. Thankfully, (in a way only a skilled "surgeon" can) Fr Nigel helped me move into the reality of grief. What this has meant is A LOT of tears lately... a lot of memories... a lot of anger...! But, apparently- at least according to Fr Nigel, I am finally "grieving well". You know what...??? GRIEF STINKS!!!

I am currently reading... Traveling Light: Releasing the Burdens You Were Never Intended to Bear- by Max Lucado... Pat gave me this book yesterday, and being me, I opened it to the center to start reading-- right to the chapter on grief... hmmm... coincidence??

I am hoping... for HOPE! Just could use a bit of hope in my life right now!

On my mind... lots!! (WARNING: random babble ahead...)... Ok, so on my mind lately beyond all the other stuff, is my ass (pardon my bluntness) ex... yes, DD, David... the VET! I don't know why I should let him still bother me... he's out of my life (well, at least as far as I'm concerned), but after 14 loooooooooonnnnngggg years unfortunately he still claims a spot in my head... I said HEAD... not heart!! Even playing Farmville on Facebook, I hear him in my head telling me what a waste of time it is, but, that I'm doing it all wrong anyway...! I want to say that I'm confident I'll never see him again, (nothing would make me happier!!)- but with him attempting to contact me lately, I just can't be sure of that. Truthfully he scares me- a lot...! Now that I know who he really is, I very much fear running into him again, but especially at CTK. He knows where I can be found each and every Sunday and Tuesday... I don't want another confrontation like we had a few weeks ago. But, to stay away because of him would be wrong too... and would probably make him very happy. (Can't have that!) I remember, when I first started going to CTK, he told me that if anyone there, especially Fr Nigel, found out about us, that he would destroy me. (Oh, if he only knew the people, including Fr Nigel, who know about "us"...!!!) I'm angry at myself for letting this man into my life to begin with- but even angrier for letting him stay in my life. When I think about the last 14 years, I just want to take a shower in bleach!!! Lord, what was I thinking?? Lord, forgive me for being SO stupid!!! I want to move on in my life without him in it- without the fear of seeing, talking to or even thinking of him EVER again! But... how?? How to get past this anger?

Noticing that... I'm SO over-the-top fearing rejection, loss and pain lately- that I'm finding myself, at even the slightest hint of any of it, rejecting before I've been rejected and building walls before I might be hurt. I know this isn't healthy, and yes, I know the real or perceived thing (I hate that phrase-- perceived can hurt just as much as real)- but I've been hurt SO much, dealt with SO many losses in my life (you wouldn't believe me if I told you!)... do you blame me for being a bit cautious... defensive... un-trusting...??? Someone recently offered to pray for me to learn to trust again-- but I told them not to. Truthfully, I just don't want to trust again... trust leads to hurt!!! No more hurt, please!!!?? So, the question is now... how to get past all of this. I SO hate hurting people I really care about, by building walls or rejecting them time and time again-- but... but.... but...?!!

Pondering these words... "Grief is a journey, not a destination."

From the kitchen... made a HUGE batch (mostly to share) of my aunt's recipe for "Special Tea" recently. This great stuff consists of: powdered tea (decaf- because, well, I'm me), tang, sugar and cinnamon. My aunt used to make this mixture every year for everyone for Christmas- it was one of the gifts I looked forward to the most... although I have no idea why I couldn't have made it myself in between. When she died I carried on the legacy and her memory... but stopped making it for many years. Recently began remembering how great it was (IS!!!), and the happy memories of drinking mug after mug of it with family and friends. Sharing it with friends again makes me smile thinking of my aunt's legacy and memory being passed along once again!! Hmmmmm.... I think it's time for a cup of tea!!!!

Around the house... continuous cleaning... who'd have thought I'd turn into a "Felix Unger" type!!?? Diane (my bff of 28 years!) tells me that she always knew I had it in me... guess it took a major life crisis for it to come out? :-(

One of my favorite things... during the stomach bug from hell last week, I discovered White Cranberry & Peach juice... mmmmmmmmm, this is good stuff!!

Sorry for the long post... guess that's what I get for not writing for a month, huh? :-)

The Simple Woman's Daybook

For today... March 8, 2010

Outside my window... another beautiful day!! It's supposed to hit 50 degrees today- can't wait to open some windows and enjoy the fresh air!!

I am thinking... nope- don't want to think or feel or love or trust- hurts too much!

I am wearing... still in my jammies- lazy day, but not for long

I am remembering... trying not to remember- it still hurts too much!

I am hoping... to never again have to see my ex!! He and I had an unpleasant encounter last week- kinda ruined my whole week and has still left me in a very dark place. Can do without that darkness in my life!

On my mind... someone said to me recently that homemade gifts and cards are in poor taste. I had to disagree. Personally I think that they show the heart of the giver for the person receiving the gift. I think I'd rather give and receive a homemade gift than any other. Thoughts??

Noticing that... I haven't been able to pray for myself lately. No problem praying for others- but I think I'm afraid to tell God my needs, although I know He already knows them. Realizing that my relationship with God needs some healing... a lot of "WHY??", and little trusting.

Pondering these words... "get over it".... yes, someone said that to me recently in regards to everything that has happened lately. I wish it were that easy!!!

From the kitchen... a cake- a big cake...!!!

Around the house... a "warmish" week ahead- lots of open windows and spring cleaning!!!!

One of my favorite things... horse kisses! Yes, seriously.... was at CTK yesterday visiting with the horses and to my surprise, one of the horses (a VERY large one) just started nuzzling my face and laying his head up against mine. It was SO sweet!!!! This may have made my week- maybe year!! :-)

**to join in the fun and read other daybooks, you can go here! :-)

Wordless Wednesday- My Baby Liebe

Does it ever get easier?

Does the pain ever get easier?

In the midst of the wonderful celebration of Fr Nigel's first healing service since his H1N1 nightmare began (235 people- such love!)- I had a painful, glaring reminder of all my loss over the last months.

Ben, my babies, my home... life as I knew it.

Does the pain EVER get easier?

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... March 1, 2010

Outside my window... slightly overcast, but getting warmer- spring may actually be on the way!

I am thinking... about a friend (a priest) whose church is about to close, due to lack of funds and lack of members. I find this incredibly sad! My heart absolutely broke- for him, for his congregation AND for the WHOLE body of Christ, when he told me the other day. I think this makes a sad statement about our world. I will be praying for this church, that God can somehow turn the situation around in time.

I am thankful for... Fr. Nigel's return to work today after five VERY, VERY long months! Did you know that statistics show that one in three people who enter ICU with H1N1, will not make it out? Thank you God for the miraculous healing of our dear friend!! Tomorrow will be his first healing service since this horrible scenario... expecting A LOT of people tomorrow! It will be a VERY special day... what a celebration!!! Wonder if Bishop Bill will allow us to say the "A" word... (you know, the one we can't say during Lent!)??

I am wearing... jeans, green sweater, white turtleneck, barefoot

I am remembering... more than I want to... more than I am ready to (ugh, didn't I say that last week too?)!!!

I am currently reading... more blogs- do you have one you'd like to tell me about? Would love to stop by for a visit!! :-)

I am hoping... see below... really need to find a way to begin healing from this stuff!

On my mind... the usual... until I can put a voice to this stuff, I can't begin to heal- and no idea how to begin putting a voice to the stuff!?? UGH!!!

Noticing that... my oven doesn't seem to be working all that well... 1 hr to cook a batch of brownies that should take 25 minutes, might be my clue!

Pondering these words... "All that has LIFE AND BREATH come now with Praises before Him!"... hoping we'll be singing this at the healing service tomorrow. Ahhh, Mark?

From the kitchen... freshly baked brownies- from scratch... still in the oven and OH MY, they smell good! You can check out the recipe here.

Around the house... with my friend Jan coming to visit tomorrow, I have some serious cleaning to do! The place looks good in general, but needs a good mopping, vacuuming and dusting.

One of my favorite things... a hint of spring in the air!

To join in the fun and read other Daybooks, check out this great website~ http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Thursday Thirteen

Blog surfing again.... came across a great meme (kinda a weekly blog "game" or participatory writing activity) and thought I'd try it out... soooooooooo..... thus begins my first THURSDAY THIRTEEN!

For my "thirteen things"- I thought I'd list...

The Thirteen Things I Love Most About My Church

1- Eucharist!! It's absolutely my favorite part of the service. For those who haven't been reading this since 2007, you can go here to read my post about the significance of the Eucharist in my life.

2- The Gospel readings!! They never fail to inspire me. Often I will go home and look them up in BibleGateway to read the different Bible versions of them.

3- The great homilies! My priests are truly gifted at taking the appointed readings from the day, and opening them up into wonderful life lessons!!

4- My wonderful priests! I'm blessed with the two most wonderful priests on the face of the Earth! I consider them both wonderful friends and mentors, and thank God each and every day for their presence in my life!

5- My wonderful church family! We're a small group- but we're a faith-filled and very close group! Love these people a lot!!

6- The location of the church! We're part of a larger Christian retreat center, set on nearly 700 acres of absolute beauty... included in that, is a 36 acre lake, overnight lodging for 75, a "summer" camp- used year-round, a huge dining room- with GREAT meals, two beautiful chapels, a HUGE theological library, an incredible healing ministry, and a convent with 6 Anglican nuns! The presence of God is SO evident in this place!!!

7- The close proximity to my home! Yah, I'm all of a mile away from this great place-- yah, I'm blessed!!

8- Coffee hour! Yes, I know that seems shallow and lame- but isn't Christian fellowship as important as worshiping God? We take turns providing the snacks, and usually I leave not having to have lunch! :-) We have some really good cooks in our midst!

9- The music ministry! We are blessed with a fantastic music ministry at CTK! Somewhere I heard the quote, "When you sing, you pray twice"... (or something like that)!!

10- The strong emphasis on HEALING MINISTRY! CTK is truly blessed with a very active healing ministry... from weekly healing services, to retreats on healing, to the opportunity to learn more about the healing ministry through Christian Healing Ministries, "School of Healing Prayer" classes. At any given moment you're likely to see folks laying hands on, and praying for someone in need.

11- A wonderful, strong, moral, and faith-filled Bishop!! Everyone loves Bishop Bill!!!

12- The peaceful feeling that fills the grounds of CTK- but most specifically in the Oratory of Christ the Healer (the chapel where our services are held)!! This is hard one to explain- but you walk into this building, and just are surrounded by the "peace that passes understanding".

13- The sounds of people praying and worshiping God!! There can't be anything more wonderful than this sound in the whole world!!

To read other "Thursday Thirteen" blogs, and to join in the fun, you can go here!

Random Thoughts... Comments Appreciated!

Have you ever lost touch with someone that you considered a dear friend? Several months (shorter or longer), then regained contact with them, only to find that you'd both changed SO much, and had been through so much over those months, that you hardly knew each other? Or- did you see the changes in each other, and somehow fear trying to re-build, or even attempt the friendship again? How did you handle this? Did you attempt to re-build the friendship? Did you just choose to move on? Or were you able to pick things up, as were before, in spite of the changes to each of you? How did you handle the feelings that went with all of this?

Just random thoughts that are going through my head today... comments here would be VERY appreciated!!!

Let it Snow!!!

I know I'm taking the risk of getting plummeted by a thousand snowballs here, but I just need to say how excited I am about the multiple days of snow that appear to be ahead of us here in upstate NY. :::::ducking to avoid incoming snowballs:::: In yesterdays post, "Simple Woman's Daybook", I mentioned that I was hoping for a big snow storm this week... well, apparently I'm getting my wish.

As I write, the beginning of what is forcasted to be multiple days of snow, is just beginning. The National Weather Service is telling us that for this storm alone, we should expect anywhere between 11 to 19 inches of the beautiful :::::ducking again:::: white stuff. The only thing that worries me is that it's expected to be of the heavy variety, which could mean power outages-- not so much fun...!!!! But, barring that- and that wont happen... I don't have to go out, we have a ton of food in the apartment- (thanks to my wonderful church family), the cute guy next door will shovel the steps for us (Thanks Brian!!!), and as long as the people I care about (you know who you are!) are in, and safe, and warm- then LET IT SNOW!!

I know I'm in the minority here, but I absolutely love big snow storms! There is something so comforting about sitting by the window (as I'm doing now) and watching this blanket of soft fluff fall to the ground. It's almost like God is telling us that He wants us to slooooooowwwww down for a bit, and reflect on the simple things in life- like family... the beauty around us... making snow angels or building big snowmen... fixing a big meal because the roads are too messy to go get take-out... quiet conversations with people we care about... sitting quietly and reading a good book... yah, I could go on...!!!!...but you get it!!! Our world these days is so busy- so fast-paced... we need a reminder now and then to take a breath :::::breathe in.... breathe out::::: and JUST BE!!!!

The local weather guys are telling us that the storm today/tonight will be the SMALL storm of the week... LOL... and that Thursday to expect something BIG-- and this ISN'T big? So... my plans for the next several days will include a lot of reading (just borrowed a great book from my roommate-"When Angry Hearts Forgive: Opening the Floodgates of Glory with the Power of Forgiveness" by Robert Warren), making a big batch of brownies- the REAL kind- you know the kind with flour, sugar, chocolate..., some serious time praying and LISTENING to my wonderful God and lots and lots of time just looking out the window at the beauty of the world around me- and thanking God for his majesty and LOVE!!

Thank you God, for the BEAUTY of this storm, for keeping everyone safe and warm during it's duration, and for the important reminder to all of us to SLOOOOOOOWWWWW down and breathe!!!!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... February 22, 2010

Outside my window... another beautiful February day. We've been so blessed with such great weather this winter. Supposedly we have some sort of snow/rain type event coming tomorrow, but I'll believe it when I see it! :-)

I am thinking... that I really need to spend more time reading my Bible. I've gotten away from that over the last few weeks, and can feel it in my heart.

I am thankful for... my wonderful church family!! Yesterday, after church, as a complete surprise, they presented my roommate and I with a "congrats on your new home" card- along with baskets-boxes-bags of groceries (and a wonderful gift card)- everything from pasta/sauce to juices. One friend, even thought of the most important food group- CHOCOLATE, and remembered my sweet little Liebe, with food for her!!! We were absolutely overwhelmed- and are SO appreciative of not only their thoughtfulness, but their LOVE!! Thank you God for my church family!!!

I am wearing... jeans, white sweater, barefoot

I am remembering... my fur babies that I lost because of the foreclosure... I cant even begin to put into words how much this still hurts. No idea how to begin to heal from this!!! Suggestions?

I am going... no where this week-- I love weeks like that!!

I am currently reading... blogs... I love blog-surfing- especially Christian blogs!!! I love reading others thoughts and ideas-- and really love collecting great tried and true recipes too!!

I am hoping... for a big snow storm this week!!

On my mind... a lot... about a lot of STUFF... words for this stuff??-- nah!!! Just more of stuffing the stuff back in and further down!! I'm thinking it's not going to be pretty when it comes back to the surface some day!

Noticing that... God has been speaking to me a lot about forgiveness and letting go lately. From a random "message from God" (it's an application) on Facebook reminding me that I need to begin letting go and start trying to forgive myself for a bunch of stuff, to suddenly finding the blog of a friend and coming face to face with his post about forgiveness- reminding me to lay my hurt and unforgiveness at the foot of the cross and to turn away from it... yah, so I guess I'm starting to get the message!! But-- (didn't you know there was a BUT coming??!...)- while forgiveness is the law for Christians, and something that we're clearly required to do, it's also REALLY hard!! In the issues with my father, I'm realizing that I need to keep forgiving him- day after day after day. Yah, he's been gone for over 25 years now- but as memories of the various forms of abuse creep back in- and the way they effect my life, I churn with anger inside!!! I know I need to give this stuff to God each and every day- some days that's easier said than done. The issues of the last few months have created a lot of anger at myself-- I kick myself constantly for not being more intelligent, for the poor choices I'd made... etc. I think forgiving myself is harder than anything- not really even sure how to do it. I keep hearing people say to "let it go"... truthfully, I'm not really even sure HOW to do that! Comments here would be VERY appreciated!!

Pondering these words... "turn away from it"- yah, I know I have to (thanks Dcn Frank!! )

From the kitchen... not sure yet- any suggestions? BTW- the chicken pot pie that I made last week (recipe link in last weeks daybook) turned out really well- it was SO good! I will absolutely be making this again!!! Just made myself a big yummy tuna sandwich- made the way I make it with cream cheese and Italian salad dressing... don't say "ewww gross" until you try it!! :-)

Around the house... I think I might actually be able to see light at the end of the unpacking tunnel. We spent several hours working at it and, lo and behold we really do have a floor!!! Today the goal is to vacuum/mop said floor, and scrub down the kitchen and bathroom. It's amazing how a hit of a possible visit from an "important" friend can serve as such motivation!

One of my favorite things... hugs!!

**to join in the fun, and read other daybooks, check out this great blog...!

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

My little hero Ben has been on my heart a lot lately. I know I haven't written much about him since his death. I think I'm still in shock over it, quite honestly. It's been just over four months since he's been gone- but it still feels like it was yesterday that I got the call from my friend telling me of his passing. It's just that there is something VERY wrong with going to the funeral of a nine year old child.

Let me tell you a little bit about Ben... I knew Ben and his twin brother James from church. I was incredibly blessed to be their church school teacher for the fall sessions of their kindergarten and first grade years. I had so much fun with these kids- they were so smart and really kept me on my toes with their questions and desire to learn about God. Ben in particular was very "deep", if you know what I mean. He seemed much older than his years. On the first day of church school in their first grade year, I gave the kids the project of some "fill in the blank" type sentences... things like, "my name is...", "my favorite thing about church is..."-- you get the idea. One of the fill in the blanks was, "I am special because...". I will never forget Ben's answer to that question-- he wrote that he was special because he was STRONG. Truer words have never been spoken... a week later, Ben received the diagnosis of Stage 2 Osteosarcoma (bone cancer) in the upper right arm. So began a VERY long three years. To read the details of Ben's journey, you can look at his website http://www.greendrakkoman.com/. Over those years, Ben became an inspiration and true hero to each and every person he met, whether in person or through his website. His motto was, "Remember- Focus on the Positive!". The way he chose to live his life dealing with that awful monster, or as he referred to it, the "evil alien"- was something that will be with me forever. He taught everyone around him lessons in positive thinking, in finding joy in every little thing, in loving with your whole heart, in making the most out of each and every day... the list goes on. Ben's wake and funeral drew over 1000-- yes, you read that correctly, ONE THOUSAND, people!!! At the funeral, Ben's uncle stood and mentioned the quote, "it takes a village to raise a child"... but then quickly corrected it by saying that in Ben's case, "it took a CHILD to raise a village". After that, one by one, people stood up sharing about how Ben had touched their lives. Rumor has it that there were even two Red Sox players at the funeral... Ben's touch was far-reaching. Ben's touch continues today. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little hero... there are days that I shed some tears at the loss of this special little guy- but mostly I rejoice that he is up in Heaven, probably playing a great game of baseball with Jesus (wearing his Red Sox cap, of course!) and no longer in any pain!!! I also rejoice that I can say I knew Ben, and thank God for the things he taught me- lessons in life that I will hold on to forever! I miss you SO much Ben!!

The song I picked for today's "Then Sings My Soul Saturday", is a song that we sang at Ben's funeral (do you have any idea how hard it is to sing while watching a small casket being moved to the front of the church?)... Anyway- Ben knew that Jesus loved him... there was NO question about that... and Ben loved Jesus- what a wonderful reunion they must have had!!!

Just a brief request, as you're reading this and listening to this song... please say a prayer for Ben's parents, Stacy and Tim, and especially his twin brother James. I can't even begin to imagine their grief... but God promises us that He will "comfort those who mourn."

Thankful Thursday

Yah, ok so it's been a down in the dumps kinda week... not sure why, maybe just my grief/loss catching up with me. But there is one really big thing I am thankful for-- well, have been thankful for... that is the wonderful, amazing, miraculous healing of my dear friend and priest, Fr Nigel from H1-N1. It is only by the grace of God and the prayers of the people, that he is still with us. I know I've told his story here before, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't praise God for the true MIRACLE of his healing!! Below is a letter to the editor that Fr Nigel has sent to area newspapers telling of his healing, and thanking those involved. It's a wonderful reminder of the good in our world, and more importantly a reminder that God is STILL in the business of healing!

Dear Editor,

I have just gone through a life threatening disease; H1N1, which hit me out of the blue. I was very fit until October of last year. I was in Saratoga Springs Hospital ICU and Sunnyview rehab in Schenectady, for a total of three months. For the first three weeks in a coma. I felt moved to write to thank the medical staff of Saratoga Hospital and the pulmonary doctors of Saratoga for saving my life. A huge thank you to Dr's. Ares, Ying, and Del Giacco. I would like to thank the Sunnyview rehab staff and especially thank the Greenwich Family Medical facility, Dr. Austin Tsai and Dr. Colleen Quinn for their devotion, kindness and compassion. The nurses in ICU and all nurses we have been in contact with in all of the medical facilities, and visiting nurses of Washington County have just been amazing. As horrible as the physical effects of being so ill is, the people that surrounded me have been totally fantastic. I have seen another side of human nature being very kind and considerate, it has refreshed my very soul. So often news is rather negative I just wanted to write something positive to thank all those who saved my life and to remind people that it is good to be alive! I really want to say publicly, thank you to all those who prayed for me and all those involved in my healing.

Yours sincerely, The Rev. Nigel Mumford

For all cat lovers...

I saw this video online several months ago and it made me laugh so much I fell over. I found it again today and decided to post it here. It's a light spot in the midst of some of my grief. If you're a cat lover, you'll definitely relate to this!! Get ready to laugh until you cry!!!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... February 15, 2010

Outside my window... beautiful sunny day- a few flurries, but otherwise really nice

I am thinking... that I could really use a hug right now... uhhh, didn't I say that last week too?

I am thankful for... the great hugs I got from Deacon Frank and Fr Jim at the Prayer and Praise Revival service on Friday night-- somehow they both seem to know when I'm having a tough time- which lately seems to be all the time. They're both such wonderful brother type figures in my life- I'm blessed to know them!!!

I am wearing... jeans, white turtleneck

I am remembering... more than I want to- more than I am ready to

I am going... to an Ash Wednesday service on, well, Wednesday and an Induction Service (the formal welcome of a priest by the bishop- in this case Fr Jim, to a new parish) at St Luke's in Cambridge on Sunday... other than that a pretty quiet week. (Still skipping the Tuesday healing service... and no, I still haven't figured out what's up with that!)

I am currently reading... Overcome By the Spirit by Francis MacNutt- a book about "resting in the spirit"- great information on this interesting and controversial topic--maybe I need to rest in the spirit for a bit... perhaps that might give me some answers to the nagging questions in my heart lately.

I am hoping... to talk with Fr Nigel about some "stuff" (see all of the above)- perhaps a "stump the priest" type session-- soon- really SOON!!!

On my mind... the need for security and stability... hate this feeling- sometimes it actually makes me feel nauseous!!!!!

Noticing that... I've gotten to the place in my grief that I am just unable to even talk about my pain- this scares me a lot. I just keep internalizing it, which I know isn't healthy. A friend from the Friday night revival has tried to get me to talk about my pain- or even to allow myself to cry, but I am just afraid to let it go- and as I said, there are just no words right now. I know I mentioned this last week, and really haven't gotten anywhere with it. Not sure where to begin, or even how to begin. Suggestions??

Pondering these words... "Sometimes in life... even God does a double-take!"

From the kitchen... this recipe for Chicken Pot Pie, taco salad, meatloaf, and gingerbread muffins.

Around the house... getting some serious unpacking done today-- hooray!!!

One of my favorite things... friendly bloggy friends, friendly friends who read my messed up words, about my messed up life and keep coming back to encourage and support. Thanks for loving me in spite of myself! :-)

**to join in the fun, and read other DayBooks, check out this great site: http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

The Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... February 8, 2010

Outside my window... slightly over-cast- forecast of some flurries today

I am thinking... that I could really use a hug right now.

I am thankful for... God's gift of healing.

I am wearing... my jammies, wrapped in a big flannel blanket

I am remembering... all that I've lost over the last few months.

I am going... not far this week. Skipping the healing service tomorrow (just needing a break from those right now- no idea what's up with that... I'll let you know when I do).

I am currently reading... the Bible- needing to hold on to the Promises of God lately.

I am hoping... for a BIG snowstorm at least once this winter. We've had a few mini storms so far, but nothing huge. I just like how the big storms make everyone and everything move at a slower pace.

On my mind... lots of stuff that I can't even begin to put words to. Not being able to talk with anyone about my loss has been hard, and is starting to eat away at me. Now I'm at the point where the pain has no words... just lots of tears, that I fight back because I think I should be strong. I know that's not true, but part of me is afraid that if I start to cry, I just wont stop. Used to be able to talk with Fr Nigel about all this kind of stuff, but he's been a little (a lot) out of commission lately, and even when he's back to work (hopefully March 1st) my guess is that his schedule will either be fully booked or very part-time... probably both. In the meantime, I just take things one moment at a time, and try realllllllllly hard to trust God in all of this.

Noticing that... I think I'm in a "funk" lately... not sure what's up with that, but I don't like it in the least!

Pondering these words... mreoooowwww, meeeooooowwww, mrrrrreeeeooooowwwwww! ~~Don't you ever wonder what kitties are saying when they get in your face and start talking and talking and talking!???

From the kitchen... nothing special this week.

Around the house... would you believe that we're still climbing over boxes and still cant find anything. My goal today is to, at the very least, move the furniture to it's proper locations. The boxes are all my roomies stuff... not much I can do about that. My room, however is put away and uncluttered... yes, I've turned into a neat-nick! ACK!!!

One of my favorite things... sun tea-- in the middle of winter. I make this the way my aunt used to, with lemonade. Not only does it taste really great, but it has such wonderful childhood memories that go along with it.

**to read other day books and take part in the fun... go visit this wonderful site... http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Then Sings My Soul Saturday- The Warrior is a Child

I had decided this morning, to use this song for my post today.... thinking of the song kind of going along with the events of my life lately. But when I found the song with this video, it took on a whole new meaning. Soon I found myself wiping away tears... my guess is that you will too. God bless our troops... please keep them in your prayers!!

Thankful Thursday

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

his love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34

There have been so many changes in my life over the last few months. My guess is that there are more to come. What I'm really craving right now is stability and security. I think I'm almost there with that. I love my new "home", and am working hard at finding a job. Yes, there have been obstacles, and they continue. (Yes, I've been dealing with more stress than I thought was possible, and unfortunately that is beginning to effect my health... yah, that worries me.... Yes, my roommates constant negativity and anger issues often make me feel like I'm drowning!) BUT- I realize each and every day how blessed I am. Some days, (like today, when things are less than "bright") I need to push myself to look at my many, many, many blessings... Really glad today is THANKFUL THURSDAY!

Thank you God for...

*the chance to start over in life... not many people get that chance-- I know how very blessed I am!

*my new home in a wonderful little village... we often call it "Mayberry"... seriously population 1,820! I love it here!! Also love the fact that there are no nosey neighbors... they guy in the other apartment couldn't be nicer- really blessed to have him so close!

*my incredibly wonderful church family and priests... what an incredible group of people- I feel so blessed to call them my "family"!! (The other day, my roommate had to have her van towed to the local garage... everybody in town uses "Charlies"... as we were waiting for the van to be unhooked- all of a sudden one of my priests, Fr Joe, appeared. He said he was driving by on his way home and saw us there... he was just stopping to make sure everything was ok. Wow!!!)

*my sweet little kitty Liebe... when I had to give up all my other babies after loosing my home, I was just unable to catch this one little girl. My roommate and I went back to the house late one evening for one more try. Thankfully we got her. But, as we drove her to my former veterinarian's office for a new home, we found that they were closed. Liebe came home with us and has made herself at home... lock, stock and food bowl! She is one of many reminders to me of how much God loves me... yes, I know I've said this before... Liebe is a German word-- it means LOVE!!

*the chance to focus on my relationship with God... and not a man. Someone left a comment recently (Charla, was that you?), asking about my relationship with DD- aka David. On the day "from hell", David told me that he never wanted to see me, or hear from me ever again... he told me that if I ever saw him in public to pretend that I didn't know him, and that he didn't know me. Yes, that hurt A LOT!!! It was like he was rubbing salt into the very open wound. BUT... as the months have progressed, and the healing has begun, I have realized that the 14 years I spent with him were 14 years of abuse... emotional, spiritual and sexual. I know I have a lot of healing to do from this, and I know that will happen in God's incredible timing. What I'm most thankful for, though, is the chance to grow in my relationship with God... no distractions, no hurt... JUST ME AND GOD!! The time that I used to spend with David- and stressing over my relationship with him, I now spend in prayer, in reading my Bible and in silence with the true "love of my life".

... continuing on a much lighter note... I'm also thankful for...

*sun tea (the way my aunt used to make it, with lemonade... great memories!)

*warm sunspots on the floor, perfect for adorable kitties

*cheesecake!

*flannel sheets

*text messaging :-)

*quite days alone, to catch up on life, be with God... just BE!

*loooooooonnnnnggggg HOT baths!

*Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls.... yes I still have one, and yes, it still works... don't know why, but that was one of the things I grabbed from the house when I left... it makes me laugh and smile!

*birthday cakes! (Thanks Pat!!)

Count your blessings-

name them one by one....

Count your many blessings-

see what God has done!

Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... February 1, 2010

Outside my window... a beautiful February day- bright and sunny, hardly a cloud in the sky

I am thinking... how blessed I am to be living in this tiny little village- so close to my church and church family- thank you God for my new home!

I am thankful for... the chance to start over in life.

I am wearing... my jammies, big oversized slippers.... just nice and comfy

I am remembering... my furbabies that I had to give up due to the foreclosure. That hurt SO much... still does. Praying that this pain will heal soon!!

I am going... nowhere today-- love days like that!!

I am currently reading... "The Sword of the Spirit~The Word of God A Handbook for Praying God's Word" by Joy Lamb

I am hoping... for a quiet birthday tomorrow. Would love to spend some time with a few friends from church, but realize that's not likely. I think just spending the day baking for some friends will make me happy... and maybe a visit to the Ice cream Man at some point?

On my mind... the reality of the foreclosure taking place today. I know God has given me a wonderful blessed chance to start over, but it's hard knowing all that I left behind and cant get back. But, I also know that life isn't about "things"- God has made that VERY clear to me over the past few months and in a lot of ways it's very freeing to be free of "stuff"... guess it's just the memories that are hard to let go of... does that make sense? Yes, lots of healing to do in all of this, but God has gotten me this far and will provide the healing in His way and time.

Noticing that... the older I get, the more my bones creek and my muscles squeak and my back yells, "I don't think so!" ... LOL... Will be 45 tomorrow- that's half way to 90... yikes!!!!

Pondering these words... "Remember... Focus on the Positive"..(thanks Ben- we miss you!!!... Yah, so it does take a child to raise a village.)

From the kitchen... lots of leftovers from this weekend, but will be making this, and this and this for some friends... that is, when I find the kitchen- I know it's here somewhere under all these boxes!! :-)

Around the house... unpacking, unpacking and MORE unpacking

One of my favorite things... a sweetly sleeping kitty, right in a nice warm sunspot- she looks so peaceful! (Thank you God, for the gift of little Liebe!)

**to join in the fun, and look at other daybooks, go to http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/**

Friday's Fave Five

Almost back to normal blogging again... And it's Friday... that means, yes, it's Friday's Fave Five again!!!

It's been a pretty average week, as far as life these days goes... more moving (no, we're STILL not out of the other place yet- God help us, we only have a week left to move the rest of the stuff and get the place cleaned out... LOL... yes, I'm laughing- it's so much easier than crying! LOL), more of trying to adjust to the "new normal" in life, and more of trying to heal from the last few months. BUT- as always, God is in charge and I just take things one moment at a time, trusting HIM to direct my path, thoughts and words.

In spite of an average week, there are a few things that jumped out at me as being special, aka worth writing about. So..... without further adu, FRIDAY'S FAVE FIVE!!...

1. Last night I made my favorite Macaroni and Cheese recipe. I found this recipe years ago, and it quickly became my favorite. Isn't mac and cheese the ultimate comfort food.... after mashed potatoes, that is?

2. A weekly (most of the time) event that I've been attending is the newly created Friday evening Revival Praise and Worship events that are going on in the diocese. I love the chance to visit with my friends, to praise God in word and song and to spend time with my wonderful Lord and Savior!! Tonight the Revival is a bit out of town, but a bunch of us from the area are carpooling, so it should be a really fun evening!! (If you're in the Capital region of New York State, please come join us!!)

3. Once again, I need to thank God for the incredible healing of my dear friend and priest, Fr Nigel. Back in October, he contracted that DAMN (yes, I can say that) H1-N1. We are now hearing how VERY close we came to loosing him. He shared with us recently, that on October 10th, he collapsed and stopped breathing- that news in itself took MY breath away. He was rushed to the hospital, where he spent the better part of two months mostly in ICU, and mostly on a ventilator. Somewhere around October 16th, the doctors told his wife that there was nothing more they could do for him. That was where the thousands of his prayer warriors stepped into action. I vividly remember that night falling to my knees and screaming at God to save my dear friend. I cried, begged- pleaded for his life to be spared. In talking with others, I have found that I was not alone in my actions that night. This man is SO deeply loved by SO many people all over the world!! Anyway... fast forward to today....!!! Fr Nigel is home, doing VERY well in his recovery. He's not back to work yet, but has been visiting us on occasion. (It's been SO good to see him- gosh I've missed him!) Hopefully, he'll be back to work, at least part time, by the end of February. (Or so that's what I'm hearing.) Not a day goes by that I don't praise God for his incredible healing!! Fr Nigel himself has said, that he knows that he is still here because of the prayers of the people. God has heard our cries for mercy and has healed our friend! He is walking, talking and BREATHING proof that God DOES indeed heal today! Thank you God, thank you Jesus, thank you Holy Spirit, thank you Holy Trinity!!

4. I was in a "next to new" store the other day and bought a CD by The Priests. I'd never heard of them before, but liked the titles of the songs on the CD. Oh.... my.... gosh.... this CD is fantastic. The voices of these men are beautiful and totally touch my soul. Needless to say, this is my new favorite CD- I've been blasting it constantly (over the secular music downstairs in the bar LOL) in the apartment. Talk about "market place evangelism"! LOL But seriously, check these guys out (well, you know what I mean)- you won't be disappointed!

5. We've had exceptionally beautiful weather here this last week. Yes, a few days with some snow, but even then it was a warm (for this time of year) day. I went for a long walk around the village the other evening, and almost felt like it was spring! Today, the sun is shining brightly... little Liebe has found a wonderful "sun spot" on my bed and is sleeping sweetly and soundly... even kitties are loving this weather! Thank you God for sunshine and warmth!!

Yes.... it's been a good week! I'm SO blessed!!

**To read more "Friday's Fave Fives" and to participate yourself check out this website.

Simple Woman's Daybook

FOR TODAY... January 4, 2010

Outside my window... dark and snow covered, cold-- soooo cold- praying for an EARLY (like next week) spring!

I am thinking... how good it feels to be back doing the daybook again... it's been too long.

I am thankful for... cold wine coolers, that take the edge off a long, long, long day

I am wearing... jeans, brown/tan/black/green sweater

I am remembering... my wonderful Mom, who went to Heaven seven years ago next week- gosh, it still hurts soooooo much-- does it ever get easier?

I am going... to bed- VERY soon!

I am currently reading... Psalm 91 Handbook

I am hoping... (and praying) for Fr Nigel's return to work VERY soon... (soon, right Sandra- SOON?) after almost three months of being out sick with that DAMN H1-N1 which turned into pneumonia and put the poor guy on a ventilator (in a medically induced coma) for 40... yes forty days!!!! Gosh, I miss him!

On my mind... see above

Noticing that... God has been teaching me about patience lately- I don't like patience... I don't have the patience for patience!!!

Pondering these words... "When your out-put exceeds your in-put, then your up-keep will be your down-fall" (by British evangelist J John)

From the kitchen... cinnamon rolls and molasses cookies- requested for the reception after an ordination this weekend (Congratulations (soon to be) Fr Scott!!)

Around the house... packing, packing and more packing

One of my favorite things~ wine coolers :-)

***to take part in the fun go to this wonderful site***

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Lesson from a Crocheted Scarf...

In an attempt to avoid doing anything remotely productive yesterday morning, I sat on the sofa wrapped in a snuggly comforter, a large mug of hot chocolate on the end-table, and kitty Liebe sitting dutifully by my side, happy to help tangle my yarn at any given moment. Several weeks ago I began an attempt at a crocheted scarf for myself, but with moving and all, just really hadn't had time to work on it much. Trying to avoid packing, laundry and doing dishes, was the perfect excuse to pick the project up again.

As I was working on the scarf, I realized pretty quickly that I was not likely going to have enough yarn to make anything close to functional ie- it would have been VERY short. I also realized that it seemed very wide- what was I thinking when I first started it.... hmmm!! I knew that if I started over, making it a bit less wide, I'd be able to make a scarf that was functional and beautiful. So, I began the "painful" process of unraveling what I'd begun... tearing it apart.

This is where God spoke to me. He showed me that my life was similar to that scarf. What I'd begun just wasn't working out so well and He needed to help me start over. So, similar to the tearing apart of the scarf, He needed to, in essence, tear apart my life to make it functional and beautiful. The last few months have been horribly painful, and I know that the pain is not likely over. I haven't even begun to deal with my grief/loss yet, and I know that will be a time filled with many tears. But I also know that God wants to re-make me. He will provide the healing, the right people to support me, and the direction that He wants me to head. God knows the "big picture" here. I am (most of the time) content with knowing that He can see what I am not able to. So, if He feels that perhaps some "tearing apart" is necessary to make something more beautiful and functional, then I'm ok with that.

I was able to complete the "tearing apart" and "re-making" of my scarf yesterday. It did turn our beautiful-- just like my life will. Every time I look at the scarf, I will be reminded of God's love for me- that He loves me SO much, that He knew I had to be "torn apart" to be made new. Thank you God!!

Happy New Year, everyone!! 2010 looks to be the BEST year ever!!