FOR TODAY... April 12, 2010
Outside my window... yet another incredibly beautiful day... I can't believe how blue and clear the sky is!!!
I am thinking... about who I'm becoming... A few people have told me lately that they've seen a lot of growth and "blossoming" in me.... I keep wondering who they're talking about... it certainly can't be me! I know God has a plan for my life, and referring to the title of my blog, He is calling me to some sort of ministry. That much is very clear to me. But, I'm listening- at least I think I am... why is it that I'm not hearing!? If He wants to use me, He needs to show me... where to go, who to talk with. Am I missing something?? Is my heart not open to His voice? I suppose that could be... I know my relationship with God has been a bit (more than a bit) on the rocky side lately-- it all goes into the trust thing- (see below)...!!! So, who am I becoming?? As I write this, I'm reminded of Michael W Smith's song, "Place in this World". If I have time, perhaps I'll post the words to this tomorrow- the words sooooooooo fit how I'm feeling right now! Ok, so hey God... a word? ...a hint?...a direction?? Please??
I am thankful for... a wonderful, loving and supportive church family!!! They know who I am, and apparently love me anyway... but I guess that's what family is!! They encourage me to grow, cheering me on every step of the way. They cry with me when I'm hurting. They protect me from things (or people) that might harm me. Thank you God, for leading me to CTK and to my special family there!!
I am wearing... jeans, yellow sweater, barefoot
I am remembering... all I've lost over the last months... years... Yes, this is grief!! I've known that all of my pain... tears... were from my loss, but never (until a recent conversation with Fr Nigel) allowed myself to actually call it grief. I think I felt that, with the exception of Ben, my grief wasn't "real", or justified. Fr Nigel talked about "grieving well"... I so hate the phrase, but I finally understand how he means it. I was not grieving well... in that I was not allowing myself to feel or acknowledge the severity of my loss. Thankfully, (in a way only a skilled "surgeon" can) Fr Nigel helped me move into the reality of grief. What this has meant is A LOT of tears lately... a lot of memories... a lot of anger...! But, apparently- at least according to Fr Nigel, I am finally "grieving well". You know what...??? GRIEF STINKS!!!
I am currently reading... Traveling Light: Releasing the Burdens You Were Never Intended to Bear- by Max Lucado... Pat gave me this book yesterday, and being me, I opened it to the center to start reading-- right to the chapter on grief... hmmm... coincidence??
I am hoping... for HOPE! Just could use a bit of hope in my life right now!
On my mind... lots!! (WARNING: random babble ahead...)... Ok, so on my mind lately beyond all the other stuff, is my ass (pardon my bluntness) ex... yes, DD, David... the VET! I don't know why I should let him still bother me... he's out of my life (well, at least as far as I'm concerned), but after 14 loooooooooonnnnngggg years unfortunately he still claims a spot in my head... I said HEAD... not heart!! Even playing Farmville on Facebook, I hear him in my head telling me what a waste of time it is, but, that I'm doing it all wrong anyway...! I want to say that I'm confident I'll never see him again, (nothing would make me happier!!)- but with him attempting to contact me lately, I just can't be sure of that. Truthfully he scares me- a lot...! Now that I know who he really is, I very much fear running into him again, but especially at CTK. He knows where I can be found each and every Sunday and Tuesday... I don't want another confrontation like we had a few weeks ago. But, to stay away because of him would be wrong too... and would probably make him very happy. (Can't have that!) I remember, when I first started going to CTK, he told me that if anyone there, especially Fr Nigel, found out about us, that he would destroy me. (Oh, if he only knew the people, including Fr Nigel, who know about "us"...!!!) I'm angry at myself for letting this man into my life to begin with- but even angrier for letting him stay in my life. When I think about the last 14 years, I just want to take a shower in bleach!!! Lord, what was I thinking?? Lord, forgive me for being SO stupid!!! I want to move on in my life without him in it- without the fear of seeing, talking to or even thinking of him EVER again! But... how?? How to get past this anger?
Noticing that... I'm SO over-the-top fearing rejection, loss and pain lately- that I'm finding myself, at even the slightest hint of any of it, rejecting before I've been rejected and building walls before I might be hurt. I know this isn't healthy, and yes, I know the real or perceived thing (I hate that phrase-- perceived can hurt just as much as real)- but I've been hurt SO much, dealt with SO many losses in my life (you wouldn't believe me if I told you!)... do you blame me for being a bit cautious... defensive... un-trusting...??? Someone recently offered to pray for me to learn to trust again-- but I told them not to. Truthfully, I just don't want to trust again... trust leads to hurt!!! No more hurt, please!!!?? So, the question is now... how to get past all of this. I SO hate hurting people I really care about, by building walls or rejecting them time and time again-- but... but.... but...?!!
Pondering these words... "Grief is a journey, not a destination."
From the kitchen... made a HUGE batch (mostly to share) of my aunt's recipe for "Special Tea" recently. This great stuff consists of: powdered tea (decaf- because, well, I'm me), tang, sugar and cinnamon. My aunt used to make this mixture every year for everyone for Christmas- it was one of the gifts I looked forward to the most... although I have no idea why I couldn't have made it myself in between. When she died I carried on the legacy and her memory... but stopped making it for many years. Recently began remembering how great it was (IS!!!), and the happy memories of drinking mug after mug of it with family and friends. Sharing it with friends again makes me smile thinking of my aunt's legacy and memory being passed along once again!! Hmmmmm.... I think it's time for a cup of tea!!!!
Around the house... continuous cleaning... who'd have thought I'd turn into a "Felix Unger" type!!?? Diane (my bff of 28 years!) tells me that she always knew I had it in me... guess it took a major life crisis for it to come out? :-(
One of my favorite things... during the stomach bug from hell last week, I discovered White Cranberry & Peach juice... mmmmmmmmm, this is good stuff!!
Sorry for the long post... guess that's what I get for not writing for a month, huh? :-)
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