Who Do You Say I Am??

I always try to look ahead to see what the scripture readings are for each Sunday. The gospel reading for this Sunday made me smile... it's Matthew 16:13-20

"When Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" And they said, "Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets." He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Simon Peter answered, "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God." And Jesus answered him, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." Then he sternly ordered the disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah."

What made me smile, is that about a year ago at the Tuesday healing services, Fr Nigel was talking about the idea of "who do you say I am", and what to tell someone who asks you why you believe. He gave us an assignment that day to write an essay on "who do you say I am"... the following is my response to that assignment....

Who do you say I am??

I know who you are, Lord…. You’re the Messiah- the King. I worship you and talk with you each and every Sunday and every day in between. You’re the Savior, the Only Begotten Son. You’re the Prince of Peace.

But who do YOU say I am?

Ok, I get it Lord…. Wow, now we’re getting personal, huh?

Who knows you the best? Who knows your heart? Who knows your words before you speak them? Who knows your tears before you cry them? Who lifts you when you fall? Who holds you up when you can't stand on your own? Who stands behind you when the world turns it's back on you?

You do, Lord…

Then who do you say I am?

You’re my rock when I have no strength. You’re my counselor, when I don’t know what to do. You’re my healer, when the pain is so horrible I just can’t go on.

There's more... keep going!

You’re my friend, when I feel completely alone and deserted. You’re my provider when the ends just don’t seem to be able to meet. You’re a strong shoulder to lay my head on when the exhaustion and tears overwhelm me. You’re my conscience when I’m headed in the wrong direction. You’re the loving Father I never really had. You’re my peace that passes understanding, when the battles of life get to be too much. You’re my candle in the darkness. You’re my cheerleader when I need encouragement.

There's one more, you're not done yet!

You’re my life, Lord. Without you I am nothing.

a tough day... but God hears my cries

Today has been a bit of a tough day.... it started by my finding out that my unemployment benefits have run out.... yah so that kind of scared me--- alot!! I spent much of my day doing some serious job searching-- but after exhausting all my avenues for that- I felt the fears of my reality... there were tears... many many many. There were cries of anguish to God... many many many.

But God seldom leaves us empty... in my quiet and listening for His voice, he led me to my very own blog. I haven't been here in quiet a while. My eyes scanned down to previous posts and were drawn to my post about the Easter Vigil at CtK. As I began reading that, particularly about the LIGHT of CHRIST, I heard God's voice so clearly say to me, "I died for you-- and for this you must live... believe in me, trust me- I won't fail you."

Thank you Lord-- thank you! I love you Lord- you ARE my reason to live!!

Lord, Help Me Understand Your Ways

For the last couple months I have had the privilege of praying for a precious two year old named Gabriella. This past fall Gabby was diagnosed with an extremely rare congenital disease called Neurocutaneous Melanosis. There is little known about it, and there is no known cure. It attacks the central nervous system in horrible and painful ways. I came to Gabby's website somehow through a link in my little hero Ben's website. I began praying for a miracle for her here on Earth. A little over a month ago, I was sitting in my usual spot at the Tuesday Healing Service at CtK and a beautiful family came in. After a few minutes, I realized the baby was Gabby. I was blown away to see this precious child that I'd been praying for from a distance, who was now sitting right in front of me.

This morning, as I always do, I checked her website. It broke my heart today, to find that sweet Gabby had earned her Angel Wings last night. While I rejoice that she is no longer in any pain and is running free with our Lord, my heart breaks at the loss of this beautiful little Angel.

Lord, help me understand Your ways? Help me understand how you were able to turn water into wine, feed the multitudes, walk on water... but you're unable to stop people- especially children from suffering and dying from horrible diseases!!! Lord, help me understand Your ways!!!!!

While I don't in any way doubt the love of our wonderful God or question that He really does know best, I just really struggle with the issue of suffering in children. I do believe though, that while today He is happily dancing with Gabby in Heaven, He is also weeping in compassion for those of us who are grieving the Earthly loss of a very special little girl!

God Bless You, Gabby. In the short time I knew you- you really touched and blessed my life! I will never forget you!!

A Fine Line

Life itself is a bumpy road.... it twists.... it turns.... it goes uphill and down and sometimes the downhill is really steep and scary.... it passes beautiful meadows.... it passes dark and burned out vacant buildings.... it passes places of worship.... it passes places of hate.... it has dead ends.... it has detours- usually when we least expect them.... it has places to rest and receive refreshment and renewal.... it has places that drain the life from us....

In the middle of that road we find a line.... it's a line telling you that it's not safe to cross to the other side.... sometimes the line is double solid.... sometimes broken in places- where perhaps it might be safe to cross over for just a short time.... sometimes the line is broken on one side and solid on the other.... Either way it's telling you- "don't cross the line-- it's not safe!" But- what about the times when we do cross over that line, whether by mistake, or curiosity or necessity? What is the danger... what is it that the fine line is trying to protect us from? How do we know when it might be safe to cross over that line for a bit? Perhaps the most innocent little thing could be something that could harm us or scar us.... perhaps it might change our perspective on someone, or something- maybe in ways that we don't want to see or acknowledge.

Is God that fine line- that little voice inside our heads saying, "Don't cross that line!!".... our conscience?.... our moral being?.... our armour?....

It may be something as simple as a new way of looking at something, or perhaps as complex as a change in a relationship. But, if God puts that fine line there.... it's there for His reason.... not for us to question.... only for us to trust...

The Battle Belongs to the Lord-- the meaning of my new painting

Tuesday night, after an afternoon/evening of spiritual attacks, I was in a bad and dark place emotionally. As I was praying, I had the vision of Jesus coming to me and praying for me. He laid His hands on my head, and prayed. As I looked up at Him, I noticed that He was wearing a white robe, which represented the resurrection. But then I noticed that He was still wearing the crown of thorns. He then said very clearly to me, “The battle is mine- let ME fight it.” As I continued to pray, and stress some more- the vision then led to Christ taking off the crown of thorns and placing it on MY head, which was more than a bit upsetting. I really didn’t understand that at all. The next morning, I felt led to draw and paint a picture of the crown of thorns. I drew/ painted as I was instructed, but still felt that there was something missing. At the same time, I was still very upset about the vision I’d had the night before. The day went on with no answers. The next morning, I headed up to CtK for an IPM (individual prayer ministry), an evening Healing Service and some quite time in the beauty and peace of CtK. As I was driving up, I got the “message” to paint a hand… my hand, in the picture of the Crown of Thorns. I didn’t understand it, but I knew to do it. I worked that afternoon, to add the hand- which turned out better than anything I’d really ever painted. I knew there was a message from God. I shared the completed painting with a few people, none of whom could figure out the meaning either. We joked that it was not something that people would probably want on their walls at home. I went home that night, still troubled by the original message with the crown of thorns and trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me in the painting. As I laid I bed praying, I heard God very clearly say to me… “The Battle is mine—but until you hand me over your pain, your stress, your worries, your problems I can’t fight the battle for you… I can’t take the crown of thorns from you. Give me the crown of thorns, which was intended to be mine” It was then that “I got it”… I saw my hand, as in the painting, remove the crown of thorns from my head- and hand it over to Christ- pain, stress, worries, problems and all. The Battle belongs to the LORD!

A quick PS-- for those of you reading this from the Albany NY area, this painting, as well as a few others of mine (as well as the work of many other talented artists) will be on display at the Christ the King Art Club Show and Sale. The show starts Friday, April 25th at 5pm- 8pm and ends Saturday, April 26th at (2-4pm). Dinner is available on Friday night at 6pm for $14.00. For directions and information take a look at the CTK website- www.ctkcenter.org

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

The following song by Petra is very fitting in my life right now... can't go into details, but I know that the Battle Belongs to the LORD!!

In heavenly armour we'll enter the land
The battle belongs to the Lord
No weapon that's fashioned against us shall stand
The battle belongs to the Lord

We sing glory and honor Power and strength to the Lord (repeat)

The power of darkness comes in like a flood
The battle belongs to the Lord
He's raised up a standard, the power of His blood
The battle belongs to the Lord

When your enemy presses in hard do not fear
The battle belongs to the Lord
Take courage my friend, your redemption is near
The battle belongs to the Lord

Happy Easter!!

Christ is Risen~~~

The Lord is Risen indeed-- ALLELUIA!!!!

This morning I experienced, what could only be described as, "indescribable". At 5:30 am (yes, I said AM), I sat in a darkened room with about 50 others to worship and celebrate our risen Lord through the service of "The Great Vigil of Easter". We began in total darkness- the sun had not yet begun to rise. We listened to readings: Genesis 1:1-22... the story of creation, Exodus 14:10-15... Israel's deliverance at the Red Sea, Ezekiel 37: 1-4... the valley of the dry bones, Zephaniah 3:12-20...the gathering of God's people, and finally John 19:31-24... the Crucifixion of Christ. After each reading, we sang an appropriate hymn- the most significant being the singing of "Were You There?", following the Gospel reading (there was hardly a dry eye in the room during this song). All this done, as I said earlier, in a darkened room... so powerful... so symbolic!!!

After this, we all processed outside for the Liturgy of Light. The procession was silent, so dignified, so spiritual! The sun was just beginning to rise- a perfect sunrise for a beautiful celebration! We gathered around a large pit, where the first fire was lit and blessed, and where the Christ candle (extinguished on Holy Thursday) was re-lit. It was a Holy moment!! As we processed back inside (into the sanctuary this time) led by dear Deacon Barbara carrying the Christ candle, we paused on occasion to sing the words, "The Light of Christ- Thanks be to God!" Back in the darkened sanctuary, we were each given a candle. As we processed down the center aisle, we were greeted by Deacon Barbara, Fr Joe and Fr Nigel (three of my very favorite people in the entire world). We each lit our candle off the beautiful glow of the Christ candle. As we sang, "Christ the Lord is Risen Today", little by little, the sanctuary began to glow with the Light of the Risen Christ-- it began to glow in my heart as well. It really was an incredible moment. The sanctuary was decorated beautifully- it echoed the joy that this day is all about. The service continued with a beautiful singing of the Exsultet (it's hard to explain... google it!) by Sr Mary Elizabeth. The words to this are so powerful, so meaningful! Next was more scripture: Acts 10:34-43, and Luke 24: 1-10... the Gospel of the Resurrection. As always, Fr Nigel's homily was wonderful... his words never fail to move me to my very core. His passion, excitement and love for Christ is so contagious... soon he had everyone shouting joyous "Alleluias". The love and excitement in the room was palpable!!

For me, the most meaningful part of any worship is the communion, but today- the day celebrating our Risen Lord, the moment of communion filled my heart with a love that I cannot put words to. Fr Nigel placed the host in my hand and said a warm blessing, and then looking into his eyes- I saw- and was filled with the absolute love of Christ!!! Thinking of this moment again, brings tears of joy to my eyes. It is a moment that I will not likely forget. As I returned to my seat, I stood and gazed upon the cross... upon the crown on Christ's head. My eyes filled with tears of joy. Thank you, Lord for this moment!

We concluded the service with more songs (12 in total today- we are blessed with an incredible music ministry- thank you Steve and Sr LilliAna). At the end, we were all given a beautiful plant by dear Nancy (Fr Joe's wife and one of the prayer team). As per Easter tradition at CtK, we all gathered for a delicious brunch in the Welcome Center- it was a time of friendship and fellowship... the perfect ending to the perfect morning.

Little did I know, however, that God was not done with me yet this morning.... I stayed at CtK for the weekend, mainly to avoid the long drive so early in the morning- but also to have a bit of a mini-retreat. After brunch, I decided to go for a walk before heading home. I found myself heading down the hill to the Healing Center... the chapel there is my favorite place in the whole world- I love spending time there in quiet and in prayer- the peace of this chapel is one that passes understanding and description!! I realized that Fr Nigel was there, so entered quietly, so not to interrupt. But, as always, he welcomed me with love and friendship. He is such a busy man, it's hard to find time to engage in a quiet social conversation with him-- but that is what God blessed me with today. God has so blessed me with the gift of Fr Nigel in my life, as an incredible spiritual role model. As I walk my spiritual path, ever mindful of my calling- I look, listen to and learn from this wonderful man of God. Today's conversation encouraged me even more in my calling (I know that was God's intention!) I also made the difficult decision today to slowly move away from my Methodist upbringing and begin the steps to officially become part of the Episcopal Church. It's a lengthy process, as Fr Nigel described- but one I know in my heart is right for me at this time. I don't want to ever leave the Methodist church completely-- but the doctrine and beliefs of the Episcopal church, are, I'm finding more in line with my own.

Today was an amazing, incredible, faith-filled, Christ-filled, Holy, love-filled day! Thank you, God for the gift of Your Son- and for the Healing power found at the foot of the Cross!

Christ is Risen~~

The Lord is Risen indeed-- ALLELUIA!!!

Palm Sunday... Holy Week Begins

Today is Palm Sunday- the beginning of the most Holy week of the year. As I sat in church today, amidst the joyous shouts of "Hosanna, Hosanna", my heart could not stop feeling a twinge of sadness. Today we celebrated Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. But my mind could not help but look at the week ahead... Holy Thursday where Christ shared in His final meal with His disciples, and then lovingly washed their feet, knowing that some of them would betray Him.... Good Friday where our Lord was crucified and died- for us-- for ME. How could my heart not feel deep anguish?

This afternoon, I began to reflect on this week. How would today have been different if I didn't know of the events that followed? I imagined being one of those who came out to greet Him with palm branches, shouting "Hosanna" (meaning "save"). The joy of seeing the man who could raise the dead, heal the sick, love the unlovable... I think it would be a most overwhelming moment. But then I think about being one of His disciples (as we all are) and sharing in a meal with Him and then later having Him wash my feet. I think of the love, and feel almost unworthy of that love. (I will be attending a foot washing on Holy Thursday, and the just the thought of Father Nigel- who to me is a living, loving example of the living, loving Christ- washing my feet already moves me to tears.) I think of Good Friday- I see myself as one who stopped to help Him, to wipe His blood stained face, and later to watch him nailed to a cross. I can imagine the pain of seeing this wonderful man in agony, would be more than I could bear.

As Holy Week begins, my heart beats with sadness, my mind quiets and focuses on thoughts of God's amazing love and His sacrifice for us all. Christ tells is in the Gospel of John, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Never in all of the world, has there been a better example of "greater love" than the sacrifice of our Lord. It is a love that passes understanding. It is a love that has changed my life.

Jesus' Hands on Earth

Today was Ginny's funeral. As predicted the church was full. It was a gathering filled with love and gratitude to God for the life of this amazing woman. As Ginny had requested, it contained her favorite hymns, and included a beautiful rendition of "How Great Thou Art" played by the bell choir, of which she was part of for many years. It seemed strange not to see her standing there with a bell in her hand. As difficult as it was, it was a beautiful service.

In the homily given by Pastor David, he spoke of a conversation he had with Ginny last Sunday- just hours before God took her home. He had asked her about regrets. She admitted that she had some- things like she wished she'd been a better mom (I can't think of a better mom), she wished she'd been a better friend (I can't think of a better friend) and others.... but one she said really hit a cord with me- she said that she regretted that she would no longer be "Jesus' hands on Earth". WOW!!! It occurred to me that that should be the goal of each and every Christian!!! It's our job to spread His love, His healing, His message... to do His work- helping the poor, leading the lost, bringing Light where there is darkness, reaching out a hand of comfort to the hurting. If not us... then who?

In honor and in memory of Ginny- I commit myself- today and every day to being "Jesus' hands on Earth"

Here I am Lord!!!

An Incredible Weekend!!!

This past August, on the way home from the incredible retreat that Jeanne and I went to in Ogdensburg, God gave me a vision. This weekend, that vision became reality. He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to bring the women of Calvary (my Latham church) together for a weekend retreat-- to worship together, pray together and rejoice in our bonds of Christian friendship. He didn't tell me what to do, or how to do it.... only to make it happen. My first thought (and I said it out loud to Jeanne) was, "Ok Lord, whatever You want".... my second thought, which I said with even more panic was, "Oh Lord... what did I just agree to??!!" Over the next few months, I began putting together a theme, (A Celebration of Christian Friendship)- and an incredible team of women to lead the weekend. Registration was full almost immediately, and excitment began to grow. The team worked hard, to put together what we believed would be a Christ centered weekend. We were all passionate about what we believed needed to be included in the weekend- and admittedly there were times when that caused some difficulty in our planning. But, somehow (with God's help) we were able to move past our differences, put aside our disagreements and come together. We (with God's mighty help) planned a weekend that not only brought eighteen women together in Christian love-- but truely glorified God in every way! He was present among us-- laughing with us, crying with us, singing with us, making a snowlady with us, playing games with us, walking with us, resting with us, baking cookies with us, eating (and eating and eating) with us, learning and growing with us. He rejoiced in our worship, in our time of Holy Communion- in our praises to Him. He bound each of us together with heart cords- HIS cords, that will never be broken....
"BIND US TOGETHER, Lord, Bind us together
With cords that cannot be broken.
Bind us together, Lord,Bind us together,
Bind us together with love.
There is only one God,
There is only one King;
There is only one Body,
That is why we sing:
BIND US TOGETHER, Lord, Bind us together
With cords that cannot be broken.
Bind us together, Lord,Bind us together,
Bind us together with love."

prayer request

I have a brief, but important prayer request... Would you all please keep Ginny in your prayers? She's an old friend from my (Latham) church and is fighting a nasty battle with cancer and kidney failure right now. She's in the hospital (St Peters) in tremendous pain. She's an incredible faith filled lady, who really doesn't deserve all she's going through. I believe that God will heal her-- even if it is in the "ultimate healing".

2/11/08 SAD UPDATE: Just got the word that Ginny died last night. As much as it hurts to loose this incredible woman, I find relief and comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain. The last few days I've been praying for her, asking/telling God that if He couldn't heal her hurting, then to bring her Home. Please pray for her children Sue and Andy- I'm sure they're in horrible pain right now. Services are this weekend- I know the church will be packed.

Silent Retreat- Part 3

Sorry for the delay on "part 3"-- had intended on doing this yesterday, but work was actually busy for a change (though they still can't manage to keep our paychecks from bouncing!).... getting ready for a busy day today with church (Latham church) stuff.... and oh yah... Happy Birthday to Me!! (a ps before I begin... spell check is still not working in Blogger... my spelling skills need healing!)

Specific events of the retreat:

Began the retreat with communion with Father Joe (he's the other priest on Sunday)- it was an open service, but there were only five of us there. It was very nice- very intimate. It seemed like a great way to begin a process that I hoped would bring me closer to God. (Mission accomplished!) I spent the rest of the day sitting in Barry House reading, crocheting, praying and listening. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but I soon settled into the silence and grew to really enjoy it! After dinner (and I need to add that the food there was incredible- salmon for dinner, omlette for breakfast) I was in my room praying and happened to look out my window. The stars in the sky were beautiful-- God was calling me for an evening walk. He and I walked down by the pond, and up to the prayer walk by the Healing Center. I just sat on the bench, and marveled at God's amazing creation! The stars filled the skies- I don't remember ever seeing so many in my life. I just praised God for this gift of beauty!!! After my walk, I knelt by the fireplace (over which is a crucifix) and wept. I didn't know why I was weeping- but it felt ok, like a healing release. I think I needed that. I spent the rest of the evening talking- (not exactly praying) with God... just like I would a friend, He is after all! I did some writing, some reading (the Book of Common prayer has some REALLY beautiful prayers in it!) and lots of thinking. I can't say I got a ton of sleep- God kept waking me with incredible words and messages- but I wouldn't trade those messages for anything!

I started the morning (at sunrise) in the Healing Center chapel. As I've said before, this chapel is my very favorite place in the entire world!!! I just sat on the floor in front of the altar and felt God's amazing love surrounding me and filling me! It was incredible! I could stay there forever! My morning continued with that same feeling of peace and love. After I checked out of Barry House, I went back to the Healing center to await my time of communion with Father Nigel. It was more time to sit in the chapel and bathe in that incredible peace. By this time I was becoming emotional- overwhelmed with all the messages from God... understanding some.... not understanding some. When communion began, so began my tears. Without warning, they just began pouring out of me- I could not stop them, nor did I try. I knew I was safe in the presence of God and with my friends Father Nigel and Sandra, with whatever I was feeling. For you "regular" readers, you already know the story of why communion is so special to me. (Those of you who don't know the significance, you can read my post from September 30th... http://youwantmetodowhatlord.blogspot.com/2007/09/hour-i-first-believed.html ) As I shared in the Body and Blood of Christ- I again felt Him fill me with love, with peace and with His healing presence! Nothing compares to that!!! Following communion, I spoke briefly with Father Nigel and Sandra about my twenty four hours, and life in general. Their words were filled with love, healing and encouragment. Their words were from Christ. One really wonderful thing that happened, was when I'd asked them to pray for my tinnitus. (I've been suffering from this and hearing loss, since a teen when my father smacked me, quite hard, over the side of my head) I'd been trying to forgive my father for this- (it was the last thing I needed to forgive him for) and had been trying to do what Father Nigel refers to as "healing of memories", where you put Jesus in the picture asking Him to step in and heal the memory. Anyway- when Nigel layed his hand over my ear and prayed, I quickly realized that it was not his hand- but rather the hand of Christ, blocking the memory of my father's hand hurting me. It was an incredible moment!!!! The tears flowed freely from my eyes... there were hugs all around and more love than I think I'd ever felt in my life. I left my retreat, exhausted- but filled and renewed.

I spent my afternoon at home resting and catching up on some (Calvary) retreat planning. That evening, I went back up to CtK with Jeanne and Debbie for the evening Taize service. I'd never been to a Taize service before- but I'm SO glad I went. It was a beautiful service- candle light, peace-filled with incredible music. Nigel's homily was wonderful- although I could not tell you all of what it was about, because when he started to speak about forgiveness, I heard my father's voice say, "I'm sorry". (Yes, more tears!) The agony of the years of abuse was finally completely gone!! At the end of the service, I couldn't wait to share with Father Nigel about my healing.... we together thanked God and shared a warm hug. God is SO good!!!

Yes, my time away was all and more than I could have hoped for. I received healing, incredible messages from God, LOVE (more than I could have imagined)- and re-comitted my life to Christ and His calling on my life. I received a renewing of spirit, mind and body.

Thank you God!!!

And thank you kind people for your prayers and love!!!

Silent Retreat- Part 2

"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."

This is the scripture that I spent much of my twenty four hours praying. God heard, and yes, He spoke.

To start from the beginning- I did survive- AND can't wait to do it again!! (It's my hope to do this AT LEAST every three months!) It's an experience that I would whole-heartedly reccommend to anyone. Was it easy?... Not by a long shot! There were a ton of tears, a ton of anxiety and a ton of new questions. "Why would anyone want to do it again", I hear you asking.... Why? Because the end result is a peace that passes understanding- a renewed faith, a renewed energy, a renewed love and committment to God and His calling in my life. We have to walk through the darkness to then walk in the light.

The "God planned theme" for the retreat seemed to be LIGHT and LOVE. Many of the messages God gave me had to do with light, and even my conversation with Father Nigel focused on LIGHT- to the point where he had me sit on a chair in the chapel, bathing in God's bright light and love. The LOVE that I felt, (God's love and the love of my fellow Christians) was palpable. (My fur babies show love- but in a subtle furry way and I wouldn't trade it for the world!) Every time I ran into someone I knew- from the hospitality staff, to Father Nigel- I felt the absolute love of Christ pouring from their hearts into mine. At the end of the communion, Sandra (the program coordinator for the Healing Center) told me that "so many people there care about and love me". I don't know why- but this just caused me to burst into tears of joy. I know I knew it-- but hearing it just really blessed my heart. (Thank you Sandra!)

Random thoughts/ messages:

**Things look different in the light.

**As I was sitting in the beautiful sunroom in Barry House, there was a nasty hornet that was REALLY bothering me. The very odd thing about all of this is my history there (in that same room) with hornets... back in October when I was sitting there chatting with Father Nigel about a time of reconciliation, a hornet was almost attacking me. Yesterday, while praying and re-committing my life to God- the creature was attacking me again. Now here's the strange part- this morning when I woke up and went to sit there with my tea- it was laying dead in front of the chair. When I mentioned the hornet to the housekeeper, she said it was very odd- because they do have them there-- but usually only in the WARM months. (It was anything but warm there!) Hmmmmmm!!!!!?????????

**An odd dream--- reminicent of the story of Samuel in the Bible, God spoke to me in the middle of the night. My dream was of a water color painting- done just of paint droplets, But then, God added, "You have given me what is there, give me what is not there" (HUH?). As if that wasn't confusing enough- God then said (oh so clearly), "Do it NOW". In my dream state, I ignored Him-- but He kept at it, "Do it NOW". By this time, I was waking up enough to tell God I was tired, and I'd do it in the morning... "Do it NOW". Ok, Lord- You win! So yes, I was wide awake at 3am, painting a very odd- God directed painting of various colors of paint droplets. After completing it, looking at it, and remembering what He'd said about, "...give Me what is not there",- I was even more confused. I had Father Nigel look at the painting at communion, and he managed to figure it out- explaining that it was my life, my relationships and my healing. But even he couldn't understand the message. He figured that God will reveal that to me in time.

**Trust My Light
Listen to My Hope
Remember My Love
Believe

**Fully believing He will heal me,
I listen in faith, and come out of the darkness and chaos
into His loving and peaceful Light.

**Look past the darkness. Look for the Light.

**New birth
My choice
Inner transformation
Bless me Lord
Inspire me Lord
Help me to remember that from dark comes courage
It's part of the journey
But You, Great Spirit
Give serenity through it all

Hmmmmmm!!!!

Ok, so this post is getting LONG! (Sorry!) Lot's more to tell, so this will be continued tomorrow.

Thanks for the prayers, kind people!!

PS- Spell check is not working-- spelling is not one of the gifts that God gave me... sorry for any boo boos!!

Silent Retreat

Bright and early tomorrow morning, I will be beginning a twenty-four hour silent retreat... just me and God- no phones, no computers, no church work, no work work!

When I tell my friends that I'll be doing this- their first reaction is, "better you than me". Even my (Latham) pastor tells me that of our large congregation, he can only think of about three people that could handle silence for that length of time- one of those was me, one other was him. My friends are supportive though, and all have offered to be covering me in prayer throughout the twenty-four hours.

What will this retreat look like? Why the heck am I doing it? Well, the first question is the easier of the two to answer.... my time (at CtK- my Greenwich church), will be largely unstructured. I'll be bringing my Bibles, a notebook, and my watercolor paints (God has been speaking to me quite loudly thorough my paintings lately). I'll spend my time in prayer, in quiet and listening, in reading, in painting and in resting. The twenty-four hours will end with private communion with Father Nigel. Following that, I'll head home to get a few hours of rest, and then head back up with Jeanne and Debbie for an evening Taize service. Why am I doing this??? That question isn't quite as easy to answer... I think the bottom line is that God is leading me to this- I am simply being obedient. Beyond that, I am needing time and quiet to find some answers that I may or may not discover in my silence. I have also been VERY stressed with the many things I have going on with church lately (watch for a post next week about the "First Annual Calvary All- Church Woman's Retreat"). Yesterday, I counted my meetings lately- with the exception of the next two days in Greenwich, I will have had meetings or church events for twenty three consecutive days!!! Yes, I'm needing a break right now. So the time in Greenwich, (where I will be leaving my retreat folder and work at home) will give me the time away to refresh and renew, so that I will come back to the church events with a new energy and faith.

I guess that was a long way of saying that I expect (pray) the next two days will be a time of spiritual renewal for me- more specifically a time to re-commit to God. I'll report back on Thursday afternoon. Prayers please, kind people?

Five years... I miss you Mom!!

Today is a sad day for me.... it's the five year anniversary of my dear Mom's death. While, I know she's happy in Heaven- reunited with her family and friends that have also passed on, my heart aches and I just long to hug her again- to hear her voice- to just be close.

In reality I think I lost Mom about eight years before she died. She was one of the many who suffered the fate of Alzheimer's disease. Most people know about the sadness of Alzheimer's, but without first hand knowledge there is now way to know the true horror of this horrible curse. Mom had always been one of the most cheerful, optimistic, gentle people on the face of the earth. Alzheimer's disease changed this completely. Over the course of the eight years, she became depressed- crying most of the time, she became angry (often violent)- at her disease, at everything and everyone around her. (I'll never forget the night that she became so confused that she insisted I was an intruder trying to hold her hostage- she went after me with a screw driver, trying with all her might to harm me.) She lost all short term memory, and much of her long term memory. For the last two years of her life, she had no clue who I was. The day I realized this, was truly the hardest day of my life- even harder than the day she died. I knew right then, that the person I knew as "Mom", was indeed a stranger. I like to think that her soul went to Heaven long before her body did. In the end of her life, there was no real soul left- this horrible disease had robbed her of that. It robbed her of any quality of life. It robbed ME of the most wonderful Mom in the world!!! Yes, there is a lot of anger in my heart at the horrible agony of this disease.

But, in the midst of all of my pain and anger- there is one thing I am certain of- THERE IS NO ALZHEIMER'S IN HEAVEN!!!!!! Yes, I really do miss my Mom- but I also rejoice in the fact that she is no longer in pain, no longer sad and crying.
Here is a YouTube video that I made in memory of Mom. Hope you enjoy getting to know my wonderful Mom!!

ASK??????!!!!!!???????

I went to the evening healing service in Greenwich last night, and although surrounded by people I love- I left, not only with a migraine, but with more anger and frustration.

The homily was all about asking God. "If we ask, we receive", Fr Nigel kept saying, "we have to ask first". HELLO!!!!!! I AM ASKING!!!

What he didn't address was, those times when we don't receive answers. He made it sound so simple- and maybe it is... for other people, but clearly not for me!!! Do you need to be on God's "A list" to receive answers to your prayers?? If that's the case, I'm clearly on God's "Y or Z list"...!!!! I believe that I live a Christian life-- trying hard to do what is right, helping others, attending church weekly, praying without ceasing- for myself and others, putting God first in my life... I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong-- why is God not hearing me? Is there a trick to praying that I'm not aware of?

According to Biblegateway.com the Bible has 155 references to prayer. This morning, inspite of the stabbing pain in my head (again, I ASKED God to heal my migraine, but no...) I looked briefly at all 155. Not one gave me a clue to what I'm doing wrong- they all made it sound SO darn simple!!! Honestly, kind people, I'm getting tired of ASKING!

Fr Nigel, in his homily, refered to a "quote" about asking that he'd been "taught" in boarding school.... "If you ask, you won't get, if you don't ask you won't get- so don't ask." As sad as it sounds, I actually related to that quote... Fr Nigel went on to say that in God's case all we have to do is ask... yah, sure!!!

Ok well the head is really pounding (a knife in the back of my head, best describes my pain right now) and I'm starting to see double... all normal migraine stuff. I think I'll pop some MORE tylenol, grab an icepack (great in -10 weather) and try again to ASK God to heal me of this agony. I'll report back if I receive relief. Nighty night (ah, good morning?) kind people...