Lord, Help Me Understand Your Ways

For the last couple months I have had the privilege of praying for a precious two year old named Gabriella. This past fall Gabby was diagnosed with an extremely rare congenital disease called Neurocutaneous Melanosis. There is little known about it, and there is no known cure. It attacks the central nervous system in horrible and painful ways. I came to Gabby's website somehow through a link in my little hero Ben's website. I began praying for a miracle for her here on Earth. A little over a month ago, I was sitting in my usual spot at the Tuesday Healing Service at CtK and a beautiful family came in. After a few minutes, I realized the baby was Gabby. I was blown away to see this precious child that I'd been praying for from a distance, who was now sitting right in front of me.

This morning, as I always do, I checked her website. It broke my heart today, to find that sweet Gabby had earned her Angel Wings last night. While I rejoice that she is no longer in any pain and is running free with our Lord, my heart breaks at the loss of this beautiful little Angel.

Lord, help me understand Your ways? Help me understand how you were able to turn water into wine, feed the multitudes, walk on water... but you're unable to stop people- especially children from suffering and dying from horrible diseases!!! Lord, help me understand Your ways!!!!!

While I don't in any way doubt the love of our wonderful God or question that He really does know best, I just really struggle with the issue of suffering in children. I do believe though, that while today He is happily dancing with Gabby in Heaven, He is also weeping in compassion for those of us who are grieving the Earthly loss of a very special little girl!

God Bless You, Gabby. In the short time I knew you- you really touched and blessed my life! I will never forget you!!

A Fine Line

Life itself is a bumpy road.... it twists.... it turns.... it goes uphill and down and sometimes the downhill is really steep and scary.... it passes beautiful meadows.... it passes dark and burned out vacant buildings.... it passes places of worship.... it passes places of hate.... it has dead ends.... it has detours- usually when we least expect them.... it has places to rest and receive refreshment and renewal.... it has places that drain the life from us....

In the middle of that road we find a line.... it's a line telling you that it's not safe to cross to the other side.... sometimes the line is double solid.... sometimes broken in places- where perhaps it might be safe to cross over for just a short time.... sometimes the line is broken on one side and solid on the other.... Either way it's telling you- "don't cross the line-- it's not safe!" But- what about the times when we do cross over that line, whether by mistake, or curiosity or necessity? What is the danger... what is it that the fine line is trying to protect us from? How do we know when it might be safe to cross over that line for a bit? Perhaps the most innocent little thing could be something that could harm us or scar us.... perhaps it might change our perspective on someone, or something- maybe in ways that we don't want to see or acknowledge.

Is God that fine line- that little voice inside our heads saying, "Don't cross that line!!".... our conscience?.... our moral being?.... our armour?....

It may be something as simple as a new way of looking at something, or perhaps as complex as a change in a relationship. But, if God puts that fine line there.... it's there for His reason.... not for us to question.... only for us to trust...

The Battle Belongs to the Lord-- the meaning of my new painting

Tuesday night, after an afternoon/evening of spiritual attacks, I was in a bad and dark place emotionally. As I was praying, I had the vision of Jesus coming to me and praying for me. He laid His hands on my head, and prayed. As I looked up at Him, I noticed that He was wearing a white robe, which represented the resurrection. But then I noticed that He was still wearing the crown of thorns. He then said very clearly to me, “The battle is mine- let ME fight it.” As I continued to pray, and stress some more- the vision then led to Christ taking off the crown of thorns and placing it on MY head, which was more than a bit upsetting. I really didn’t understand that at all. The next morning, I felt led to draw and paint a picture of the crown of thorns. I drew/ painted as I was instructed, but still felt that there was something missing. At the same time, I was still very upset about the vision I’d had the night before. The day went on with no answers. The next morning, I headed up to CtK for an IPM (individual prayer ministry), an evening Healing Service and some quite time in the beauty and peace of CtK. As I was driving up, I got the “message” to paint a hand… my hand, in the picture of the Crown of Thorns. I didn’t understand it, but I knew to do it. I worked that afternoon, to add the hand- which turned out better than anything I’d really ever painted. I knew there was a message from God. I shared the completed painting with a few people, none of whom could figure out the meaning either. We joked that it was not something that people would probably want on their walls at home. I went home that night, still troubled by the original message with the crown of thorns and trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me in the painting. As I laid I bed praying, I heard God very clearly say to me… “The Battle is mine—but until you hand me over your pain, your stress, your worries, your problems I can’t fight the battle for you… I can’t take the crown of thorns from you. Give me the crown of thorns, which was intended to be mine” It was then that “I got it”… I saw my hand, as in the painting, remove the crown of thorns from my head- and hand it over to Christ- pain, stress, worries, problems and all. The Battle belongs to the LORD!

A quick PS-- for those of you reading this from the Albany NY area, this painting, as well as a few others of mine (as well as the work of many other talented artists) will be on display at the Christ the King Art Club Show and Sale. The show starts Friday, April 25th at 5pm- 8pm and ends Saturday, April 26th at (2-4pm). Dinner is available on Friday night at 6pm for $14.00. For directions and information take a look at the CTK website- www.ctkcenter.org

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

The following song by Petra is very fitting in my life right now... can't go into details, but I know that the Battle Belongs to the LORD!!

In heavenly armour we'll enter the land
The battle belongs to the Lord
No weapon that's fashioned against us shall stand
The battle belongs to the Lord

We sing glory and honor Power and strength to the Lord (repeat)

The power of darkness comes in like a flood
The battle belongs to the Lord
He's raised up a standard, the power of His blood
The battle belongs to the Lord

When your enemy presses in hard do not fear
The battle belongs to the Lord
Take courage my friend, your redemption is near
The battle belongs to the Lord

Happy Easter!!

Christ is Risen~~~

The Lord is Risen indeed-- ALLELUIA!!!!

This morning I experienced, what could only be described as, "indescribable". At 5:30 am (yes, I said AM), I sat in a darkened room with about 50 others to worship and celebrate our risen Lord through the service of "The Great Vigil of Easter". We began in total darkness- the sun had not yet begun to rise. We listened to readings: Genesis 1:1-22... the story of creation, Exodus 14:10-15... Israel's deliverance at the Red Sea, Ezekiel 37: 1-4... the valley of the dry bones, Zephaniah 3:12-20...the gathering of God's people, and finally John 19:31-24... the Crucifixion of Christ. After each reading, we sang an appropriate hymn- the most significant being the singing of "Were You There?", following the Gospel reading (there was hardly a dry eye in the room during this song). All this done, as I said earlier, in a darkened room... so powerful... so symbolic!!!

After this, we all processed outside for the Liturgy of Light. The procession was silent, so dignified, so spiritual! The sun was just beginning to rise- a perfect sunrise for a beautiful celebration! We gathered around a large pit, where the first fire was lit and blessed, and where the Christ candle (extinguished on Holy Thursday) was re-lit. It was a Holy moment!! As we processed back inside (into the sanctuary this time) led by dear Deacon Barbara carrying the Christ candle, we paused on occasion to sing the words, "The Light of Christ- Thanks be to God!" Back in the darkened sanctuary, we were each given a candle. As we processed down the center aisle, we were greeted by Deacon Barbara, Fr Joe and Fr Nigel (three of my very favorite people in the entire world). We each lit our candle off the beautiful glow of the Christ candle. As we sang, "Christ the Lord is Risen Today", little by little, the sanctuary began to glow with the Light of the Risen Christ-- it began to glow in my heart as well. It really was an incredible moment. The sanctuary was decorated beautifully- it echoed the joy that this day is all about. The service continued with a beautiful singing of the Exsultet (it's hard to explain... google it!) by Sr Mary Elizabeth. The words to this are so powerful, so meaningful! Next was more scripture: Acts 10:34-43, and Luke 24: 1-10... the Gospel of the Resurrection. As always, Fr Nigel's homily was wonderful... his words never fail to move me to my very core. His passion, excitement and love for Christ is so contagious... soon he had everyone shouting joyous "Alleluias". The love and excitement in the room was palpable!!

For me, the most meaningful part of any worship is the communion, but today- the day celebrating our Risen Lord, the moment of communion filled my heart with a love that I cannot put words to. Fr Nigel placed the host in my hand and said a warm blessing, and then looking into his eyes- I saw- and was filled with the absolute love of Christ!!! Thinking of this moment again, brings tears of joy to my eyes. It is a moment that I will not likely forget. As I returned to my seat, I stood and gazed upon the cross... upon the crown on Christ's head. My eyes filled with tears of joy. Thank you, Lord for this moment!

We concluded the service with more songs (12 in total today- we are blessed with an incredible music ministry- thank you Steve and Sr LilliAna). At the end, we were all given a beautiful plant by dear Nancy (Fr Joe's wife and one of the prayer team). As per Easter tradition at CtK, we all gathered for a delicious brunch in the Welcome Center- it was a time of friendship and fellowship... the perfect ending to the perfect morning.

Little did I know, however, that God was not done with me yet this morning.... I stayed at CtK for the weekend, mainly to avoid the long drive so early in the morning- but also to have a bit of a mini-retreat. After brunch, I decided to go for a walk before heading home. I found myself heading down the hill to the Healing Center... the chapel there is my favorite place in the whole world- I love spending time there in quiet and in prayer- the peace of this chapel is one that passes understanding and description!! I realized that Fr Nigel was there, so entered quietly, so not to interrupt. But, as always, he welcomed me with love and friendship. He is such a busy man, it's hard to find time to engage in a quiet social conversation with him-- but that is what God blessed me with today. God has so blessed me with the gift of Fr Nigel in my life, as an incredible spiritual role model. As I walk my spiritual path, ever mindful of my calling- I look, listen to and learn from this wonderful man of God. Today's conversation encouraged me even more in my calling (I know that was God's intention!) I also made the difficult decision today to slowly move away from my Methodist upbringing and begin the steps to officially become part of the Episcopal Church. It's a lengthy process, as Fr Nigel described- but one I know in my heart is right for me at this time. I don't want to ever leave the Methodist church completely-- but the doctrine and beliefs of the Episcopal church, are, I'm finding more in line with my own.

Today was an amazing, incredible, faith-filled, Christ-filled, Holy, love-filled day! Thank you, God for the gift of Your Son- and for the Healing power found at the foot of the Cross!

Christ is Risen~~

The Lord is Risen indeed-- ALLELUIA!!!

Palm Sunday... Holy Week Begins

Today is Palm Sunday- the beginning of the most Holy week of the year. As I sat in church today, amidst the joyous shouts of "Hosanna, Hosanna", my heart could not stop feeling a twinge of sadness. Today we celebrated Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. But my mind could not help but look at the week ahead... Holy Thursday where Christ shared in His final meal with His disciples, and then lovingly washed their feet, knowing that some of them would betray Him.... Good Friday where our Lord was crucified and died- for us-- for ME. How could my heart not feel deep anguish?

This afternoon, I began to reflect on this week. How would today have been different if I didn't know of the events that followed? I imagined being one of those who came out to greet Him with palm branches, shouting "Hosanna" (meaning "save"). The joy of seeing the man who could raise the dead, heal the sick, love the unlovable... I think it would be a most overwhelming moment. But then I think about being one of His disciples (as we all are) and sharing in a meal with Him and then later having Him wash my feet. I think of the love, and feel almost unworthy of that love. (I will be attending a foot washing on Holy Thursday, and the just the thought of Father Nigel- who to me is a living, loving example of the living, loving Christ- washing my feet already moves me to tears.) I think of Good Friday- I see myself as one who stopped to help Him, to wipe His blood stained face, and later to watch him nailed to a cross. I can imagine the pain of seeing this wonderful man in agony, would be more than I could bear.

As Holy Week begins, my heart beats with sadness, my mind quiets and focuses on thoughts of God's amazing love and His sacrifice for us all. Christ tells is in the Gospel of John, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Never in all of the world, has there been a better example of "greater love" than the sacrifice of our Lord. It is a love that passes understanding. It is a love that has changed my life.

Jesus' Hands on Earth

Today was Ginny's funeral. As predicted the church was full. It was a gathering filled with love and gratitude to God for the life of this amazing woman. As Ginny had requested, it contained her favorite hymns, and included a beautiful rendition of "How Great Thou Art" played by the bell choir, of which she was part of for many years. It seemed strange not to see her standing there with a bell in her hand. As difficult as it was, it was a beautiful service.

In the homily given by Pastor David, he spoke of a conversation he had with Ginny last Sunday- just hours before God took her home. He had asked her about regrets. She admitted that she had some- things like she wished she'd been a better mom (I can't think of a better mom), she wished she'd been a better friend (I can't think of a better friend) and others.... but one she said really hit a cord with me- she said that she regretted that she would no longer be "Jesus' hands on Earth". WOW!!! It occurred to me that that should be the goal of each and every Christian!!! It's our job to spread His love, His healing, His message... to do His work- helping the poor, leading the lost, bringing Light where there is darkness, reaching out a hand of comfort to the hurting. If not us... then who?

In honor and in memory of Ginny- I commit myself- today and every day to being "Jesus' hands on Earth"

Here I am Lord!!!

An Incredible Weekend!!!

This past August, on the way home from the incredible retreat that Jeanne and I went to in Ogdensburg, God gave me a vision. This weekend, that vision became reality. He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to bring the women of Calvary (my Latham church) together for a weekend retreat-- to worship together, pray together and rejoice in our bonds of Christian friendship. He didn't tell me what to do, or how to do it.... only to make it happen. My first thought (and I said it out loud to Jeanne) was, "Ok Lord, whatever You want".... my second thought, which I said with even more panic was, "Oh Lord... what did I just agree to??!!" Over the next few months, I began putting together a theme, (A Celebration of Christian Friendship)- and an incredible team of women to lead the weekend. Registration was full almost immediately, and excitment began to grow. The team worked hard, to put together what we believed would be a Christ centered weekend. We were all passionate about what we believed needed to be included in the weekend- and admittedly there were times when that caused some difficulty in our planning. But, somehow (with God's help) we were able to move past our differences, put aside our disagreements and come together. We (with God's mighty help) planned a weekend that not only brought eighteen women together in Christian love-- but truely glorified God in every way! He was present among us-- laughing with us, crying with us, singing with us, making a snowlady with us, playing games with us, walking with us, resting with us, baking cookies with us, eating (and eating and eating) with us, learning and growing with us. He rejoiced in our worship, in our time of Holy Communion- in our praises to Him. He bound each of us together with heart cords- HIS cords, that will never be broken....
"BIND US TOGETHER, Lord, Bind us together
With cords that cannot be broken.
Bind us together, Lord,Bind us together,
Bind us together with love.
There is only one God,
There is only one King;
There is only one Body,
That is why we sing:
BIND US TOGETHER, Lord, Bind us together
With cords that cannot be broken.
Bind us together, Lord,Bind us together,
Bind us together with love."

prayer request

I have a brief, but important prayer request... Would you all please keep Ginny in your prayers? She's an old friend from my (Latham) church and is fighting a nasty battle with cancer and kidney failure right now. She's in the hospital (St Peters) in tremendous pain. She's an incredible faith filled lady, who really doesn't deserve all she's going through. I believe that God will heal her-- even if it is in the "ultimate healing".

2/11/08 SAD UPDATE: Just got the word that Ginny died last night. As much as it hurts to loose this incredible woman, I find relief and comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain. The last few days I've been praying for her, asking/telling God that if He couldn't heal her hurting, then to bring her Home. Please pray for her children Sue and Andy- I'm sure they're in horrible pain right now. Services are this weekend- I know the church will be packed.

Silent Retreat- Part 3

Sorry for the delay on "part 3"-- had intended on doing this yesterday, but work was actually busy for a change (though they still can't manage to keep our paychecks from bouncing!).... getting ready for a busy day today with church (Latham church) stuff.... and oh yah... Happy Birthday to Me!! (a ps before I begin... spell check is still not working in Blogger... my spelling skills need healing!)

Specific events of the retreat:

Began the retreat with communion with Father Joe (he's the other priest on Sunday)- it was an open service, but there were only five of us there. It was very nice- very intimate. It seemed like a great way to begin a process that I hoped would bring me closer to God. (Mission accomplished!) I spent the rest of the day sitting in Barry House reading, crocheting, praying and listening. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but I soon settled into the silence and grew to really enjoy it! After dinner (and I need to add that the food there was incredible- salmon for dinner, omlette for breakfast) I was in my room praying and happened to look out my window. The stars in the sky were beautiful-- God was calling me for an evening walk. He and I walked down by the pond, and up to the prayer walk by the Healing Center. I just sat on the bench, and marveled at God's amazing creation! The stars filled the skies- I don't remember ever seeing so many in my life. I just praised God for this gift of beauty!!! After my walk, I knelt by the fireplace (over which is a crucifix) and wept. I didn't know why I was weeping- but it felt ok, like a healing release. I think I needed that. I spent the rest of the evening talking- (not exactly praying) with God... just like I would a friend, He is after all! I did some writing, some reading (the Book of Common prayer has some REALLY beautiful prayers in it!) and lots of thinking. I can't say I got a ton of sleep- God kept waking me with incredible words and messages- but I wouldn't trade those messages for anything!

I started the morning (at sunrise) in the Healing Center chapel. As I've said before, this chapel is my very favorite place in the entire world!!! I just sat on the floor in front of the altar and felt God's amazing love surrounding me and filling me! It was incredible! I could stay there forever! My morning continued with that same feeling of peace and love. After I checked out of Barry House, I went back to the Healing center to await my time of communion with Father Nigel. It was more time to sit in the chapel and bathe in that incredible peace. By this time I was becoming emotional- overwhelmed with all the messages from God... understanding some.... not understanding some. When communion began, so began my tears. Without warning, they just began pouring out of me- I could not stop them, nor did I try. I knew I was safe in the presence of God and with my friends Father Nigel and Sandra, with whatever I was feeling. For you "regular" readers, you already know the story of why communion is so special to me. (Those of you who don't know the significance, you can read my post from September 30th... http://youwantmetodowhatlord.blogspot.com/2007/09/hour-i-first-believed.html ) As I shared in the Body and Blood of Christ- I again felt Him fill me with love, with peace and with His healing presence! Nothing compares to that!!! Following communion, I spoke briefly with Father Nigel and Sandra about my twenty four hours, and life in general. Their words were filled with love, healing and encouragment. Their words were from Christ. One really wonderful thing that happened, was when I'd asked them to pray for my tinnitus. (I've been suffering from this and hearing loss, since a teen when my father smacked me, quite hard, over the side of my head) I'd been trying to forgive my father for this- (it was the last thing I needed to forgive him for) and had been trying to do what Father Nigel refers to as "healing of memories", where you put Jesus in the picture asking Him to step in and heal the memory. Anyway- when Nigel layed his hand over my ear and prayed, I quickly realized that it was not his hand- but rather the hand of Christ, blocking the memory of my father's hand hurting me. It was an incredible moment!!!! The tears flowed freely from my eyes... there were hugs all around and more love than I think I'd ever felt in my life. I left my retreat, exhausted- but filled and renewed.

I spent my afternoon at home resting and catching up on some (Calvary) retreat planning. That evening, I went back up to CtK with Jeanne and Debbie for the evening Taize service. I'd never been to a Taize service before- but I'm SO glad I went. It was a beautiful service- candle light, peace-filled with incredible music. Nigel's homily was wonderful- although I could not tell you all of what it was about, because when he started to speak about forgiveness, I heard my father's voice say, "I'm sorry". (Yes, more tears!) The agony of the years of abuse was finally completely gone!! At the end of the service, I couldn't wait to share with Father Nigel about my healing.... we together thanked God and shared a warm hug. God is SO good!!!

Yes, my time away was all and more than I could have hoped for. I received healing, incredible messages from God, LOVE (more than I could have imagined)- and re-comitted my life to Christ and His calling on my life. I received a renewing of spirit, mind and body.

Thank you God!!!

And thank you kind people for your prayers and love!!!

Silent Retreat- Part 2

"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."

This is the scripture that I spent much of my twenty four hours praying. God heard, and yes, He spoke.

To start from the beginning- I did survive- AND can't wait to do it again!! (It's my hope to do this AT LEAST every three months!) It's an experience that I would whole-heartedly reccommend to anyone. Was it easy?... Not by a long shot! There were a ton of tears, a ton of anxiety and a ton of new questions. "Why would anyone want to do it again", I hear you asking.... Why? Because the end result is a peace that passes understanding- a renewed faith, a renewed energy, a renewed love and committment to God and His calling in my life. We have to walk through the darkness to then walk in the light.

The "God planned theme" for the retreat seemed to be LIGHT and LOVE. Many of the messages God gave me had to do with light, and even my conversation with Father Nigel focused on LIGHT- to the point where he had me sit on a chair in the chapel, bathing in God's bright light and love. The LOVE that I felt, (God's love and the love of my fellow Christians) was palpable. (My fur babies show love- but in a subtle furry way and I wouldn't trade it for the world!) Every time I ran into someone I knew- from the hospitality staff, to Father Nigel- I felt the absolute love of Christ pouring from their hearts into mine. At the end of the communion, Sandra (the program coordinator for the Healing Center) told me that "so many people there care about and love me". I don't know why- but this just caused me to burst into tears of joy. I know I knew it-- but hearing it just really blessed my heart. (Thank you Sandra!)

Random thoughts/ messages:

**Things look different in the light.

**As I was sitting in the beautiful sunroom in Barry House, there was a nasty hornet that was REALLY bothering me. The very odd thing about all of this is my history there (in that same room) with hornets... back in October when I was sitting there chatting with Father Nigel about a time of reconciliation, a hornet was almost attacking me. Yesterday, while praying and re-committing my life to God- the creature was attacking me again. Now here's the strange part- this morning when I woke up and went to sit there with my tea- it was laying dead in front of the chair. When I mentioned the hornet to the housekeeper, she said it was very odd- because they do have them there-- but usually only in the WARM months. (It was anything but warm there!) Hmmmmmm!!!!!?????????

**An odd dream--- reminicent of the story of Samuel in the Bible, God spoke to me in the middle of the night. My dream was of a water color painting- done just of paint droplets, But then, God added, "You have given me what is there, give me what is not there" (HUH?). As if that wasn't confusing enough- God then said (oh so clearly), "Do it NOW". In my dream state, I ignored Him-- but He kept at it, "Do it NOW". By this time, I was waking up enough to tell God I was tired, and I'd do it in the morning... "Do it NOW". Ok, Lord- You win! So yes, I was wide awake at 3am, painting a very odd- God directed painting of various colors of paint droplets. After completing it, looking at it, and remembering what He'd said about, "...give Me what is not there",- I was even more confused. I had Father Nigel look at the painting at communion, and he managed to figure it out- explaining that it was my life, my relationships and my healing. But even he couldn't understand the message. He figured that God will reveal that to me in time.

**Trust My Light
Listen to My Hope
Remember My Love
Believe

**Fully believing He will heal me,
I listen in faith, and come out of the darkness and chaos
into His loving and peaceful Light.

**Look past the darkness. Look for the Light.

**New birth
My choice
Inner transformation
Bless me Lord
Inspire me Lord
Help me to remember that from dark comes courage
It's part of the journey
But You, Great Spirit
Give serenity through it all

Hmmmmmm!!!!

Ok, so this post is getting LONG! (Sorry!) Lot's more to tell, so this will be continued tomorrow.

Thanks for the prayers, kind people!!

PS- Spell check is not working-- spelling is not one of the gifts that God gave me... sorry for any boo boos!!

Silent Retreat

Bright and early tomorrow morning, I will be beginning a twenty-four hour silent retreat... just me and God- no phones, no computers, no church work, no work work!

When I tell my friends that I'll be doing this- their first reaction is, "better you than me". Even my (Latham) pastor tells me that of our large congregation, he can only think of about three people that could handle silence for that length of time- one of those was me, one other was him. My friends are supportive though, and all have offered to be covering me in prayer throughout the twenty-four hours.

What will this retreat look like? Why the heck am I doing it? Well, the first question is the easier of the two to answer.... my time (at CtK- my Greenwich church), will be largely unstructured. I'll be bringing my Bibles, a notebook, and my watercolor paints (God has been speaking to me quite loudly thorough my paintings lately). I'll spend my time in prayer, in quiet and listening, in reading, in painting and in resting. The twenty-four hours will end with private communion with Father Nigel. Following that, I'll head home to get a few hours of rest, and then head back up with Jeanne and Debbie for an evening Taize service. Why am I doing this??? That question isn't quite as easy to answer... I think the bottom line is that God is leading me to this- I am simply being obedient. Beyond that, I am needing time and quiet to find some answers that I may or may not discover in my silence. I have also been VERY stressed with the many things I have going on with church lately (watch for a post next week about the "First Annual Calvary All- Church Woman's Retreat"). Yesterday, I counted my meetings lately- with the exception of the next two days in Greenwich, I will have had meetings or church events for twenty three consecutive days!!! Yes, I'm needing a break right now. So the time in Greenwich, (where I will be leaving my retreat folder and work at home) will give me the time away to refresh and renew, so that I will come back to the church events with a new energy and faith.

I guess that was a long way of saying that I expect (pray) the next two days will be a time of spiritual renewal for me- more specifically a time to re-commit to God. I'll report back on Thursday afternoon. Prayers please, kind people?

Five years... I miss you Mom!!

Today is a sad day for me.... it's the five year anniversary of my dear Mom's death. While, I know she's happy in Heaven- reunited with her family and friends that have also passed on, my heart aches and I just long to hug her again- to hear her voice- to just be close.

In reality I think I lost Mom about eight years before she died. She was one of the many who suffered the fate of Alzheimer's disease. Most people know about the sadness of Alzheimer's, but without first hand knowledge there is now way to know the true horror of this horrible curse. Mom had always been one of the most cheerful, optimistic, gentle people on the face of the earth. Alzheimer's disease changed this completely. Over the course of the eight years, she became depressed- crying most of the time, she became angry (often violent)- at her disease, at everything and everyone around her. (I'll never forget the night that she became so confused that she insisted I was an intruder trying to hold her hostage- she went after me with a screw driver, trying with all her might to harm me.) She lost all short term memory, and much of her long term memory. For the last two years of her life, she had no clue who I was. The day I realized this, was truly the hardest day of my life- even harder than the day she died. I knew right then, that the person I knew as "Mom", was indeed a stranger. I like to think that her soul went to Heaven long before her body did. In the end of her life, there was no real soul left- this horrible disease had robbed her of that. It robbed her of any quality of life. It robbed ME of the most wonderful Mom in the world!!! Yes, there is a lot of anger in my heart at the horrible agony of this disease.

But, in the midst of all of my pain and anger- there is one thing I am certain of- THERE IS NO ALZHEIMER'S IN HEAVEN!!!!!! Yes, I really do miss my Mom- but I also rejoice in the fact that she is no longer in pain, no longer sad and crying.
Here is a YouTube video that I made in memory of Mom. Hope you enjoy getting to know my wonderful Mom!!

ASK??????!!!!!!???????

I went to the evening healing service in Greenwich last night, and although surrounded by people I love- I left, not only with a migraine, but with more anger and frustration.

The homily was all about asking God. "If we ask, we receive", Fr Nigel kept saying, "we have to ask first". HELLO!!!!!! I AM ASKING!!!

What he didn't address was, those times when we don't receive answers. He made it sound so simple- and maybe it is... for other people, but clearly not for me!!! Do you need to be on God's "A list" to receive answers to your prayers?? If that's the case, I'm clearly on God's "Y or Z list"...!!!! I believe that I live a Christian life-- trying hard to do what is right, helping others, attending church weekly, praying without ceasing- for myself and others, putting God first in my life... I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong-- why is God not hearing me? Is there a trick to praying that I'm not aware of?

According to Biblegateway.com the Bible has 155 references to prayer. This morning, inspite of the stabbing pain in my head (again, I ASKED God to heal my migraine, but no...) I looked briefly at all 155. Not one gave me a clue to what I'm doing wrong- they all made it sound SO darn simple!!! Honestly, kind people, I'm getting tired of ASKING!

Fr Nigel, in his homily, refered to a "quote" about asking that he'd been "taught" in boarding school.... "If you ask, you won't get, if you don't ask you won't get- so don't ask." As sad as it sounds, I actually related to that quote... Fr Nigel went on to say that in God's case all we have to do is ask... yah, sure!!!

Ok well the head is really pounding (a knife in the back of my head, best describes my pain right now) and I'm starting to see double... all normal migraine stuff. I think I'll pop some MORE tylenol, grab an icepack (great in -10 weather) and try again to ASK God to heal me of this agony. I'll report back if I receive relief. Nighty night (ah, good morning?) kind people...

thoughts...

Let me start out by saying that I am in a seriously foul mood today!!!! I don't know if it's PMS, menopause, life in general, or all of the above-- but I'm best kept away from humanity today (the kind people at church will vouch for that... sorry kind people!). Even the dogs ran for cover when they heard me pounding on pillows and yelling at the computer. It's not that the computer has done anything specifically wrong (although it is a computer), nor has the pillow- they just happened to be in my way at the wrong moment.

That said-- I spent my entire drive home from Greenwich today sobbing-- not at anything that happened during the service, but at a "displaced anger", which I now realize hurt not only myself this morning, but also someone else... (sorry Fr Nigel!). When the tears finally cleared, so did my mind. God revealed to me the source of my anger, and why I was taking it out on dear Fr Nigel, who really didn't deserve it. This last year has been pretty much a living hell-- with my job problems, car problems, kitty sicknesses/death, childhood flashbacks, various health problems, relationship (and lack of) problems, neighbor problems and financial challenges (phew...I'm drained just writing about it) -- let's just say that I'm beyond exhausted- physically, emotionally and spiritually!!! During the year, I've held relatively firm to my faith and still am-- but honestly admit that I'm a bit angry with God for His often lack of response (at least in my eyes) to my regular cries for help. Ok, so what does this have to do with "displaced anger"?? Well, as near as I can figure (and comments here are welcome), I see Fr Nigel as the most Christ-like person I've ever had the wonderful privilege of knowing... his eyes are filled with the love of Christ, his hands possess the gift of healing through Christ, his words possess the wisdom of Christ and his life reflects the evidence of the living Christ. So, you may be wondering what is the issue here? The problem is, that with my anger at God right now- I'm looking at Fr Nigel and seeing the evidence of the living Christ-- a tangible and living presence and representation of this God who for whatever reason does not want to answer my cries for help. I know that my anger is being displaced-- I know that what I really need to do is go the to very top of the "mountain" at CtK and scream my brains out-- AT GOD!

As I write this, I'm reminded of the story in the Bible about Abraham and Issac... Abraham is told to go to the mountain and sacrifice his son Issac... with heavy steps Abraham obeys God and goes to the the mountain ready to sacrifice his son-- but pleased with Abraham's obedience, at the last minute God provides the lamb. They called the mountain, "the mountain of God will provide". Is God leading me to the mountain? If I fall on my knees in His presence, on the mountain-- will He provide?

I'll end this post, at least for now, with an apology to Fr Nigel. I love you with all my heart, my dear brother in Christ. Please forgive me (again) for hurting you.

Well, I'm still in a foul mood- I think I will be until I can deal with this anger at God. So for now, I'm going to climb into a long hot bath and then curl up on the sofa with a good movie, a big glass of wine and some freshly baked brownies. A little self indulgence never hurt. The dogs have come out of hiding, and the pillow and computer have survived the day. Thanks to whoever is reading this for listening, loving and praying!! Happy New Year (almost) kind people!!!

Missing the point... (a rant, of sorts!)

Let me begin this post by first apologizing to Fr Nigel for what I'm about to say... this will likely sound harsh, but it is meant with love and constructive criticism.

Tonight was the monthly scheduled evening healing service at my Greenwich church. With Tuesday's healing service being cancelled due to Christmas, I was really looking forward to tonight's service. It was snowing a bit, but not enough to concern me. The roads were wet, but really ok. When I arrived at the church, actually a "city on a hill", I began to be concerned-- there was not a car in sight at the chapel. I reversed, and headed to the welcome center, to be greeted with a sign that the service had been cancelled due to weather. (What weather? We're in the northeast, it snows- we're used to it!!) Ok, so not only didn't I know about the cancellation, but I drove two full hours (round trip) and used a full quarter of a tank of gas. Yah, this part really annoyed me- but as I calmed down a bit and really thought about the situation-- what reallllllllllllly began to anger and sadden me were the many opportunities that Fr Nigel and his staff had lost tonight to heal, to lead people to know this wonderful man Christ, to comfort, to love!!!

Not to compare- but rather to give a thought to think on to Fr Nigel.... My Latham church has a wonderful policy. They will not cancel any worship services, no matter how bad the weather is, no matter how "low" they think the numbers might be. Pastor David believes that if even one person makes it to church-- that is church. That is one person that can be touched by the Holy Spirit, one person to be ministered to, one more opportunity to share God's love. The following was in Calvary's mid week message this week-- I think it's appropriate to share in this particular post... credit to Pastor David for a great story!!!

"On the Saturday night before the service, there was a horrible ice, sleet and snow storm. First came the ice, coating all surfaces with a good half-inch of frozen danger. Then came the sleet, adding weight to tree limbs and power lines. Finally came the snow, covering everything in winter beauty. Fortunately, we did not lose power. So naturally, I bound up my sermon and copy of the bulletin, put on my boots, gloves and winter coat, and started out early, to walk the mile and a half to church. There I found the father of family A, shoveling the side walks, and the father of family B, clearing and salting the steps.

Now you have to know that family A and family B did not like each other. The members of the families rarely spoke to each other, and indeed sat on opposite sides of the sanctuary. When it was time to begin worship, the ten of us entered the sanctuary: four from family A, five from family B, and myself. As there were so few of us, I asked that we all move to the front. Naturally, family A and family B sat on opposite sides of the center aisle in the front row.

The service was a quiet event. I think there was as much ice in that frozen congregation, as there was in the winter wonderland outside.

The last carol was God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen. Together we sang it as best we could. As you may know, the last verse goes like this:

Now to the Lord sing praises, all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy!

For the Benediction which followed, I said words to this effect. You are among the most faithful and loving families in our church. You are the two families who made it through the bad weather to worship, and the two families who have cleared the steps and walks. Why don't we all take the advice of the verse we just sang, And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace! The steps were slow, the hugs were hesitant, never-the-less, each one of us hugged everyone else."

What if Pastor David had cancelled church? Would this ministry opportunity ever come again?

When you "cancel" church- how many opportunities may have been lost-- how many opportunities will you NEVER again get back?

I believe that God rejoices any time a person enters a house of worship- and lends an ear, and countless opportunities to reach... touch... heal- to the largest of congregations as well as the the smallest of congregations, even those of one or two. (For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them!)

Now, as I end this "rant", I pray that God will give back the opportunities for healing, loving, and leading the hurting, that were lost tonight. I pray that Fr Nigel and his wonderful staff will think twice the next time snow flakes decide to fly, or registration is low for a retreat or event, or the "numbers" aren't consistently high for a particular gathering. God is there....and God plus one is a majority!!!

My Baby Bandit

Tomorrow night will be one week that my sweet girl has been gone. I still think I hear her, or see her sleeping on my bed-- I have to look twice, and then realize it's her baby (big baby now) Toes, who looks very much like her. My heart sinks at those moments-- she really is gone.

Bandit was a special girl. Everyone that knew her would say that. Eleven years ago, Bandit arrived at my back door, meowing for some food. Never one to resist a hungry kitty, I fed her and sat with her while she ate. When she'd finished, she took off- I figured to do what outside cats do. But instead, within a few minutes she was back- this time with a tiny kitten in her mouth. With no hesitation, she handed me over the mewing ball of fur- and was off again. Again, she was back with another kitten. This happened one more time-- a total of three precious kittens. The trust she had in me- to just hand me her babies was amazing. I wish I could learn that kind of trust. I didn't know where she and her babies had come from, but I knew from the young age of the kittens that they were likely strays. I took all four of them into my home, with the intention of finding them good homes. Well, that never happened- so Bandit (named because of the black mask over her eyes), Precious (named because she is- a beautiful calico), Meme (named because of his kitten meow- me me) and the infamous Toes (named because his favorite toy as a kitten was- yes, my toes) all became a part of my wonderful fur family. Bandit was a perfect Mama. She cared for her babies, teaching them right from wrong and grooming and feeding them as they needed. Even until her death last week, she was still a sweet and loving Mama.

Several years ago, when receiving an xray for her asthma, we discovered that she had been shot at some point in her stray life. The pellet was still wedged in her abdomen. I can't tell you how sick this made me!!! God forgive me for the hateful thoughts I've had against whoever it was that hurt this sweet kitty. I realized then, what a strong and brave baby I had.

Bandit was very friendly and very verbal. She'd greet visitors at the door, with a meow and a snuggle. She was never afraid of visiting the vet office-- when Dr Wolfe (her favorite doctor) would come in the exam room, he'd sit down on the exam table and she'd run over and curl up in his lap. At home, she was my little therapist. If I was having a bad day, all I had to do was call her name once and she'd come running to me with a sweet meow. She'd sit in my lap and let me cry or talk, responding with an occasional meow- just to let me know she was listening. I miss that SO much right now!!!

Three weeks ago, when she'd had her spinal embolism and could no longer walk, I'd pick her up to hold her in bed with me. She'd lay her head on my chest and purr and purr and purr!!! We'd just cuddle and talk for hours. Occasionally she'd look up into my eyes with the most amazing love!! Those were moments I will NEVER ever forget!!! Hers was the most amazing and deep form of love I've ever experienced.

How do I move on from this pain- this incredible loss? The only pain that has ever equaled this, is the loss of my dear Mom- almost exactly five years ago. A lot of people tell me that she was old and to get over it-- but I can't. I lost my baby.

An awsome God

I was really beginning to give up on any hope for a happy Christmas.

This week alone has been one to try my heart to it's very depth... I have been seriously questioning God's existence- primarily due to unanswered prayer and real hardships lately.

Things have been more than difficult financially lately, to the point where I wasn't sure if I could even afford the gas to get to church on Christmas eve. Then, this past Wednesday night my sweet Bandit went to Heaven. She'd been doing so well-- this was totally unexpected. It's not since the death of my sweet Mom has my heart hurt so much- who knew that grief could be so physically painful!!!

I've been crying out to God with all my heart. I am indeed broken! But-- my faith has been tried-- I still believe in God... in His goodness and His love. I realized today that He meets us at our broken-ness. He meets us at our point of need- and not before- not until we are truly on our knees.

Today, I received a taste of God's goodness.... I'm currently at work (my manager keeps adding sporadic days for me, and although I find frustration in the lack of Christianity in the office, I thank God for the extra paycheck). A little while ago, the building landlord came in to collect his rent. Joe is a good Christian man-- we often have wonderful discussions about God's grace and love. Today's discussion, was one of frustration on my part, continually saying, "keep reminding me, Joe". I shared with him about my job issues and frustrations with my position here, to which he kept telling me that I'm here for a reason and to use the opportunity to witness to others about God's grace, mercy and healing love. There must have been something in my eyes or words-- or perhaps God speaking to Joe- because a little while later, his secretary popped in the office with an envelope. Inside, was a handwritten note reminding me that "all things are possible with God"--as well as $500.00 in cash! Yes, I burst into tears!!! She and I prayed together, asking God to renew my heart and spirit. Surrounded by travel brochures, computers and ticket printers, I finally realized that God had met me at my broken-ness. It's not to say that this money will solve all my problems by a long shot-- but I'll have gas to get to church, I'll have food on the table on Christmas and many days after that. I've never asked God for abundance-- I've just asked Him to meet my basic needs, and after a taste of broken-ness and a dose of humbleness-- He has! Thank you God!!!

Merry Christmas and God Bless us Everyone!!!!

The Quiet Center

Come and find the quiet center
in the crowded life we lead,
find the room for hope to enter,
find the frame where we are freed:
clear the chaos and the clutter,
clear our eyes, that we can see
all the things that really matter,
be at peace, and simply be.

This is the first verse of one of the hymns we sang at church today. It happens to be one of my very favorites and I've sung it many times- both in church and at home, but for some reason I never associated it with Christmas... until today.

How many of us are rushing around right now- trying to complete every little detail to make Christmas perfect. How many of us are over spending our budgets, maxing out our credit cards- trying to find gifts for people who we hope will appreciate our efforts. How many of us are counting the days til the madness is over?

How many of us spend time sitting before the manger each and every day-- remembering the true meaning of this season?

This year my Christmas will be different. Due to the loss of my job, and severe financial difficulties- there won't be gifts under the tree (there won't even be a tree). There won't be my usual "secret Santa" visit to an animal shelter. There won't be lights outside or decorations inside.

What there will be is my beautiful nativity, given to me by my dear Mom several years before she died. There will be a Christmas nail, hanging nearby. There will be a copy of the words to today's hymn. There will be candles, symbolizing the light of Christ.

It's in the true meaning of Christmas that I intend to focus my eyes and heart over the next few weeks. In many ways, I'm thankful that God is helping me focus on HIM this Christmas. Yes, I wish that I could provide my friends with wonderful gifts, and that the animal shelter would again receive their gifts from "Santa". But to know-- REALLY KNOW, the meaning of this season is a gift to me from God that at this time in my life is far more priceless than any material gifts I could give or receive.

Come and find the quiet center
...Peace be still...
in the crowded life we lead,
...Are we too busy to hear Your voice, Lord?...
find the room for hope to enter,
...Is there room in OUR inn for You this year?...
find the frame where we are freed:
..."The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners..."
clear the chaos and the clutter,
...Prepare ye the way of the Lord...
clear our eyes, that we can see
...Open the eyes of our heart, Lord...
all the things that really matter,
...Happy Birthday Jesus...
be at peace, and simply be.
...And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, PRINCE OF PEACE...

My Grown Up Christmas List

In thinking about the rapidly approaching holidays, Christmas in particular, I was reminded of the old song, "Grown Up Christmas List". That got me thinking about what I might wish for for Christmas-- "a prayer is merely a wish turned God-ward". So perhaps this post is actually a prayer...

Dear Santa (God)--
For Christmas this year I would like:

**peace-- in my heart, in my life, in my friends and in the world
**joy-- in my heart, in my life, in my friends and in the world
**a cure for cancer and Alzheimer's--
-----so that no one else may suffer the fate of these awful diseases
**answers to difficult questions
**an end to any form of child abuse or domestic abuse
**for God to reign in every heart
**for my faith to grow (right now, re-commit)
**to be absolutely content
**to learn to trust God more
**to learn again to trust humanity
**for my "babies" to have good health and happiness
**for my churches and their pastors to find growth and feel God mightily in all they do and for all their ministries to thrive, heal and bring many to Christ
**to find love
**for more opportunities to do for others-- hugging more, reaching our more, listening more, loving more,
**for healing of difficult memories surrounding Christmas, so I can again enjoy the beauty and love of this season
**for our world leaders to know Christ, and rule with Christ in their lives and hearts
**for those returning from the war to find peace and healing of memories
**for all wars to end
**to be less reserved and more confident about reaching out to strangers
**a new job where I can use the gifts God gave me and where I can feel appreciated and valued

here we go again...

Sometimes I really hate asking for prayer from my friends, although I know they willingly and lovingly will pray for any needs... this is another of those moments.

Just when we get over the health crisis with Toes, his momma Bandit decides to get sick-- really sick! Last weekend, had her in to her doctor because I noticed a large mass on her ribcage. My vet did a needle biopsy and the results came back showing cancerous cells. He needs to do a more invasive biopsy this week to confirm the exact diagnosis. If that's not bad enough, last night she jumped up on the table- missed and went sliding off the other side. Shortly after that, I noticed her dragging her left back leg. She couldn't jump and kept falling over. I thought that perhaps she'd strained a muscle and let it go. By this morning, she was worse- so naturally we went to visit the doctor. He did a complete assessment, including a neurological work-up. It appears (completely unrelated to the cancer) that she has a blood clot in her back left leg. He put her on heart meds, aspirin and antibiotics. He also gave her an injection of pain medication. She's resting quietly (finally) in the dog crate I had for Toes. She seems to be in less pain, which is good. He seemed to think that the clot was probably small, or we'd be looking at paralysis. I'm praying that we caught this in time! I'll worry about the cancer after the biopsy. She goes in this week for a re-assessment with the leg, and a more thorough assessment for the cancer. Please please please pray!!!!!

UGH!!! Ok, Lord-- remember what I said about human suffering.... mine REALLY has reached it's limit!!!!! (Yah, ok- so I guess I need some prayer too... please??!)

UPDATE 12/3: Had Bandit to her regular vet last Thursday, because her paralysis was getting worse. Turns out that her orginal diagnosis was incorrect. She acutally had a spinal embolism-- aka a blood clot to the spinal column. She is paralyzed from her waist down. She's in good spirits and eating like crazy-- she just can't use or feel her back legs. Her regular doc put her on some meds, which he said might help. This morning, I was holding her and praying for her, and randomly touched her back end. When I did that she voluntarily moved her back leg-- in other words she felt my hand!!! I was on the phone with my vet in about two minutes. He said that was an incredible sign-- and he hoped that she may eventually (within about two months) regain full use of the back legs! Keep praying!!!

Things I'm Thankful For....

Thank you God for...
my friends-- especially my friends from Women of Prayer (past and present groups)
my churches, and their pastors: Pastor David and Fr Nigel, and all the wonderful "family" I have at both
the gift of God's forgiveness
purring kitties
Tuesday healing services at Christ the King
Wednesday Soaking Prayer at Christ the King
mashed potatoes
the color blue
hugs from dear friends
honest mechanics
snuggly flannel pj's
healing hands
snow flurries-- and soft snowflakes that land on my face
fleece blankets
Hershey's kisses
sand castles
hot cocoa on a cold winter day
Psalm 91
backrubs
the sound of friends praying
monarch butterflies
snow storms that make everyone slow down
the smell of Lilacs
Communion- and the warmth I feel inside when I receive it
retreats
squishy pillows!
sunrises-- and beginning anew each day
the gentleness of sunsets
rainbows.... God's promise
healing of memories
stained glass windows
long hot baths
candlelight
mustard seeds
"God-incidences"
quiet days at home with nothing to do except sit and watch DVD's (romantic comedies!)
bookstores-- and the gift of reading
cold puppy noses
the gift of God's friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rejoice... Pray... Give Thanks

This has been a tough few weeks for me for a lot of reasons, which I won't go into here-- but tonight, as if to add insult to injury, my kitty Bandit (Toesy's momma) climbed up into my lap, and I noticed a golf ball sized lump over her right rib cage. As I was holding her, with tears streaming down my face and unbelievable frustration in my heart, I was reminded of the words from the Bible, "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances". With pain in my heart and voice, I looked up to God and said,

"Lord, I know your word says to rejoice, pray and give thanks-- but quite honestly Lord, right now I JUST CAN'T thank you for this, and I can't rejoice. Lord, there is only so much pain and suffering that the human heart can bear-- mine has reached it's limit."

I could tell by the calm I felt, that God understood. I know He is hurting with me, and knows that the time will come when I can give thanks and rejoice again-- but not right now. I can't in all sincerity thank Him for the suffering that I'm enduring lately. I can say the words, but God knows that they're not from my heart. What I can do, and am- is pray to Him with all my heart and lean on His strength, because right now I have NONE of my own.

I talked with Bandit's doctor tonight. He tried not to sound panicked, but did tell me that she needed to be seen as soon as possible. With my car problems, that won't be until Saturday.

God, please heal my sweet Bandit! God, please heal my hurting heart!

The Gift of Healing

As I was looking online tonight for a support group of sorts, I found the following poem that really touched me. As I face really difficult times right now, I am reminded of the healing I find through my dear friends... Thank you Jeanne, Diane, and Fr Nigel.... thank you for loving me, praying for me, believing for me when I can't believe myself and not letting me give up on myself or God! Thank you for being God's healing presence in my darkness!! I am blessed to have such wonderful friends! I love you all!

The Gift of Healing

When we whisper words of life into a world of hate
We are planting seeds of healing

When we remove our blinders and reach out to our neighbor in need
We are nourishing healing

When we love our neighbor and ourselves
We are harvesting healing

When we choose to forgive and move on
We are forging a path to dispatch healing

When we rest and reflect on loving
We are sharing in the healing of the whole world

by Blanchette

Where is God?

Where is God, when I fall to my knees begging for His presence, His help, His comfort-- and all I feel is nothingness.... emptiness....? Where is God in suffering? Where is God in hopelessness? Where is God in ceasless pain?

Will someone out there please tell me WHERE IS GOD?

So Tell Me God...

Ok, so this hasn't been my best week ever... with the stuff with Tom (see post below), some unpleasant financial issues, my car completely dying, job problems-- so you get the picture... my faith has been weak at it's best. I'm not all to happy with God right now. Several months ago, when dealing with another round of questioning, I wrote the following list of questions I'd like to ask God. A friend once said to me that no one better be behind her when she gets to Heaven, because she's got a ton of questions for God!! This list represents my frustration, some serious, some light. Please feel free to comment/answer any of the questions!

SO TELL ME GOD....

Why do people suffer with Alzheimer’s disease? Why do they literally have to die twice to the people who love them?

What’s the deal with cancer—especially in children?

What is the purpose of carpenter ants, fleas and mosquitoes?

Why do some people have it easy their whole lives and others struggle day after day after day after day, NEVER getting a break?

What’s the deal with “natural disasters”?

What’s heaven REALLY like?

When I’m angry with you and can’t pray, do you still love me?

What on earth made you think Okra would be a good vegetable?

Do you cry when a woman has an abortion?

Where are you when I’m on my knees begging for your presence and your voice, and all I feel is completely alone?

The Bible says, “ask and you shall receive”… does this only apply to a select few? (see above question!)

Since no one is perfect, how good is good enough?

Can people in Heaven hear and see us down here?

Can’t you create one more day of the week or at least a few more hours in each day?

The purpose of the tobacco plant was what?

The Bible says, “Honor thy father and mother”…. does this apply to victims of child abuse as well?

Why do skunks have to stink?

If you can create things like rainbows and shooting stars, why can’t you stop people from hurting each other?

The Bible says, “Where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them”, so does this mean that when I pray all alone you’re not there?

How do you feel about Rap music?

When people are “speaking in tongues”, is that what Heaven sounds like?

Do you ever regret giving us free will?

What’s the purpose of thunder… and for that matter, snow and ice?

What’s your favorite thing about our world right now?

What hurts you the most about our world right now?

How do you measure success?

Why do roses have thorns?

Couldn't you have made broccoli taste like chocolate?

Another Kitty Update

Toes came home last night!!! Hooray!!! THANK YOU GOD!!

He still has his feeding tube, which I (with God's help!) will somehow maintain. His first night home started out poorly, however, when he somehow managed to get the edge of the feeding tube caught on something and nearly pull it out. Yah, so we were back at his doctors office within three hours of his discharge. They said that it looked fine, and to watch for gross stuff coming out if the site. (Can we say EWWWWW!) He's also now feeling so so much better (which is great) that he refuses to leave the bandages over his tube. Yah, so we were at the doctors office again last night for that. They taught me how to put the bandages on properly-- but it was two of them working with him while showing me. We'll see how today goes.... perhaps some divine intervention is needed! (HELP GOD!!) Did the first tube feeding last night, which was no easy task with a squirming cat. But, I did it with few problems. Just gave him his "pre medication" for this mornings feeding (he gets three feedings a day), and it seemed to go more smoothly. (I think I'm more relaxed this morning too!) The actual feeding will take place in about ten minutes. (Prayers please?) He's on nine medications- most of which are twice a day. Fortunatly they go through the feeding tube. They're all really important, ranging from drugs to help his liver, to heavy antibiotics..... Just realized I neglected to post about an important occurance from Thursday.... The infection around Toes feeing tube was REALLY bad. His white cell count was through the roof, and the skin around the site was badly ulcerated. On Wednesday I had Fr Nigel (Thank you, Fr Nigel!) pray for Toes. The next day, I was talking with one of the Dr's taking care of him, and she remarked that the most amazing thing had happened. She said that just overnight, the infection and ulcers had cleared up completely, and his white cell count was completly normal!!!! I just smiled and said, "the power of prayer!". THANK YOU GOD!! The site looks fine (well, at least in their eyes... again can we say EWWWWW!) and he is acting like a perfectly normal kitty! He's eating on his own so much more. Once he is completly eating fully on his own, we'll wait two weeks to remove the feeding tube (just to be safe!). I decided to keep him in a large dog crate here at home. Jack is just too big, and too friendly. I'm afraid that he'll accidentally hurt Toes. Toes actually seems content in the crate, and I'm more relaxed knowing that he's confined and safe. He goes back to the doctor on Wednesday afternoon for a re-check, bloodwork etc. Will let everyone know how that goes. Thanks again for the prayers... keep them coming! (And add me to the prayers as well, as I try to be a "kitty nurse" for several weeks....patience and a strong stomach is needed!)

Kitty Update

Good news!!!! Toes actually ate a little on his own today!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!! More good news... his bilirubin level is down to 1.2 (normal is 1.0) this is down from 10 just last week!!!!... his liver enzymes have improved... he's not vomiting the food he's getting with the feeding tube, and he's receiving up to 40ml at a time- about 5 tbsp my vet tells me.... This is all such great news! God is hearing our prayers!!

The only bad news, and unfortunately it's significant- but treatable, is that the upper respiratory infection is still raging. They've changed his antibiotic and are hoping this one will work. The other issue-- and this one is huge, is that the site around his feeding tube has gotten infected. They're treating it, topically as well as with the oral antibiotic. Please pray that this clears up quickly!!! If we can get him to eat enough on his own, the feeding tube should be able to be removed- but not until he's eating enough to maintain a good nutritional balance.

I was supposed to bring him home today, and maintain the feeding tube on my own. But with the tube being infected, we decided it's best to keep him there and in isolation away from any other sources of infection. I'm disappointed, but trusting.

All in all, things seem to be improving. Thanks for the prayers--- please keep them coming!!!!

In Memory of Mom

http://youtube.com/watch?v=umAuekSF4BY

Usually about this time of year, I start to feel sad-- really missing my Mom. Her birthday is next week, November 3rd. She would have been 88 this year!!! For some reason, as much as I miss her beyond words, this year I just feel joy! Joy that she's free from the pain and suffering that she dealt with during the seven years she fought her battle with Alzheimer's. Joy that she is with Jesus and has been reunited with her parents,her brother and sister, the two children she lost in miscarriage, and so many others. Joy that she is in her true home in Heaven. I still weep... I still long to hug her, to hear her voice- to just be close. But I know in Christ there is no good-bye... she still lives in my heart.

Above, there is link for a video I made tonight (you may need to copy and paste it into your browser)... hope you enjoy it.

Pastor Appreciation Month

Have you hugged your pastor today?

I love October!!! Yes, it's the most beautiful time of the year- with the splendor of the trees changing color. Yes, it's finally cooling off, and the crisp Autumn days are so refreshing. Yes, the apples are at their best-- YUM!! AND..., it's also Pastor Appreciation Month!!!.... How many of us really knew that?

I love my pastors... both of them. Pastor David (my Latham church) and Fr Nigel (my Greenwich church) are the two most Christian men I've ever had the honor of knowing!! I consider both of them to be my spiritual role-models, and would consider myself blessed beyond belief, if I could be half the person(s) that they are. They exude compassion, gentleness, strength, generosity... the list goes on and on! But, the one thing I see the most in both of them, when I look into their gentle eyes- is the incredible presence and love of Christ!! God works so powerfully through both of them-- whether in their preaching, leadership, counseling,teaching,or the many, many other things they do to build the faith of so many-- God's presence in their lives and hearts is clear!!!

I thank God each and every day for the gift of these wonderful teachers in my life. I pray for God to continue blessing them-- strengthening their ministry, their gifts, their lives for His Glory!

I'll be taking some time this week to thank each of them personally.... for listening to me when I'm hurting, for leading me when I'm lost, for encouraging me when I'm feeling unworthy, for believing in me as I accept my calling, for being the person(s) I look up to in my quest to be a better Christian!

How do you thank someone for changing your life?

Yes.... I'll be hugging my pastor(s) this week!!!

Patience

Ok, so waiting is not my thing...

My cat, Toes is very sick right now. He has Hepatic Lipidosis.... in layman's terms, fatty liver or liver disease. He got it when he decided to stop eating a couple weeks ago when I changed cat food. Apparently it wasn't up to his princely standards--and I can't say I blame him. I just feel awful that he's now really uncomfortable because of a choice I made. (In the future, I'll have to bring him shopping with me!) Anyway-- he's been in the hospital for a week, and we expect him to be there for at least another week or so. He's hooked up to IV's and receiving a ton of medications. He's still refusing to eat, which is really messing with his bilirubin level- in other words he's a not-so-lovely shade of yellow right now. BUT-- he's doing better little by little. The key to the healing of this disease is PATIENCE! My veterinarian tells me that we're looking at a recovery time of SEVERAL months. Yah... ok, so waiting is not my thing.

At the insistence of my veterinarian, I've been going to visit Toes every day. I sit on the floor with him for a few hours and encourage him to eat.... tuna, hamburger, baby food, hot dogs-- ANYTHING! Some days he'll make me happy and eat a bite or so-- but other days (like today), he'll turn his back on me and curl up in the corner. All I can do is pet him and let him know that he's loved and I'm there.

Today, (not Toe's best day) I had an interesting conversation with my veterinarian. My veterinarian is wonderful. I know without doubt he saved Toes life. He's knowledgeable and caring (Toes loves him!). He's also a Christian. As he was leaving the exam room this afternoon, I quickly, almost as an afterthought, asked him if he's been praying for Toes. His reply was immediate and affirmative. He and I have had conversations about God and faith before, and he's prayed for my other fur babies during their various medical crisis' Today, he could see that I was starting to loose faith. I've been praying with all my heart and all my faith for Toes' healing. But the last couple days, I just haven't felt that God has been hearing me. When I shared that with my veterinarian, he reminded me that not all prayer is answered quickly-- but it is ALWAYS heard. He also reminded me that sometimes God uses a situation or problem to teach us something. My response was one of frustration... "Ok... so what is God trying to teach me here?" He shrugged and lovingly told me I needed to pray and figure that one out myself.

So what is it He's trying to teach me? Patience perhaps? Trust? Endurance? A reminder to lean on His love? Ok, Lord- message received!! But why do you need to make my kitty sick to teach me these things?

...I didn't make your kitty sick-- but I can use this to teach you. I can use this to draw you closer to me!... Trust in me- lean on me- hold fast to my mighty hand!... Believe without doubt for Toes' healing!

Thank you, Lord! I needed that reminder.

Barring a miracle (please God!), on Monday, Toes is likely to have surgery to insert a feeding tube. My veterinarian tells me that this is the best way to progress in the healing process. I'm not at all thrilled with the prospect of him having surgery-- but I'm TRUSTING my veterinarian and God.

I'm also believing that somehow in the midst of all of this turmoil and stress that I will find myself a stronger and more trusting Christian.

Please, please say a prayer for my sweet Toesy kitty!!! Please believe for his full and absolute healing!

10/15/07 UPDATE: Just heard from Toes' doctor. The surgery to insert the feeding tube went very well and he tolerated the anesthesia very well, which was a concern because of his weak condition. He's in ICU right now, and will remain there for several days. He'll receive his first tube feeding later this afternoon. We're expecting that this will be the key to reversing this nasty disease!! Thanks for the prayers for Toes-- please keep them up.... God is obviously hearing us!!

The Hour I First Believed

At my church in Greenwich, our priest often speaks about the "hour we first believed"- in other words, the moment we first felt Christ in our lives and hearts. For some reason I rarely share about that moment in my life, although it was truly the moment that shaped who I am now and will be forever. Today, on my ride home from church, after a special time of communion- I began remembering in great detail about those incredible moments and felt led to write about them.

As I've mentioned before, I lost my dad back in 1984. He was not a nice man- he really hurt me, (physically and emotionally) until the day he died. When he died I was SO confused--- on the one hand I was grieving what I never had, and on the other I was being told that I wasn't being a good daughter by feeling almost relief from his death. I was also REALLY angry at God. I kept going to church--but flatly refused to take communion!! Fortunately I had a wonderful pastor who sat week after week helping me work through my feelings. There were tears beyond what I could measure- and pain that was indescribable!!

One week we addressed the issue of the communion. We talked about why I didn't want to share in it- and how I transferred my feelings of anger at God into the idea of communion. I don't remember his exact words, but somehow my pastor convinced me to share in Communion with him.

We met on Christmas Eve afternoon (1985), in the beautifully decorated sanctuary of my church. My church (Calvary UMC) is a beautiful church anyway- but at Christmas, with it's poinsettias, candles and nativity-- it's beauty is beyond description!! My pastor and I went to the front of the sanctuary. He lit the Christ candle, and turned on only the light that would illuminate the large cross behind the altar, and then we sat together on the floor directly in front of it.

He began by reading Matthew 18:20-- "Where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." Even though I was still really angry at God-- I was feeling His presence in huge ways as I heard this. (This is still one of my very favorite scriptures.) We then, talked about what communion is- really God's gift of love to us. After that, we shared in communion-- nothing fancy, just grape juice (we're Methodist, remember) and bread.

At this point-- the tears began to pour out of me. I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life!! All the pain of the past years of abuse, the confusion over my father's death and my anger at God- were finally being released from my hurting heart. Somewhere during my tears, my pastor leaned over to hug and comfort me. But-- I didn't know it was him.... I felt the arms and love of someone stronger, more loving, more comforting--- I felt GOD!!!

The next day I wrote the following poem, which still manages to bring tears of joy to my eyes.

I wasn't looking for the Lord, I simply wanted peace-
to rid myself of pain and hurt and make my anguish cease.
I went inside without a thought the Lord might be nearby.
My grief was real, my pain was deep- all I could do was cry.
My friend and I shared in His bread, and then we drank His wine.
Through this humble meal in which we shared, God shared His life with mine.
I found my Lord that Christmas Eve, He filled me to the brim--
I simply wanted peace and hope....
I found them both in HIM!!

Needless to say, after this-- my life was never the same. It's not to say that my faith has always been perfect or I've avoided pain and difficulty (sometimes I think that the pain of loosing my Mom is going to kill me)-- but I know without doubt that God (even when I've felt unworthy of His love or pushed Him away) has always been with me, loving me unconditionally and protecting and providing for me in ways that only HE can!! To this day communion is my favorite part of worship!! Each and every time I share in this wonderful, Holy meal, I relive that "hour I first believed".

Hmmmmm.....

Today I spent the morning at my Greenwich church, it was much needed time to sit and visit with God-- sharing AND listening. Instead of my usual sitting in the chapel, I decided today to sit by the beautiful pond outside the Healing center. It was a glorious morning-- exceptionally warm for the end of September. I could hear the birds singing, the wind blowing- and God speaking.

I've learned that God speaks through sometimes the smallest, most innocent things and if we're not paying close attention we miss some wonderful messages. Today I received one of those messages-- I'm glad I was paying attention!

Just as I was about to leave, the most beautiful butterfly I've ever seen began flying around inside the pavilion where I was sitting. It was black with just a hint of blue and purple in it's wings. It had a simple grace that really caught my attention. I couldn't stop watching it. But then, it began trying to hide. It would go from dark corner to dark corner trying to escape the light or possibly, I wondered, my gaze. Occasionally it would fly down in front of, and then around me- not coming close, but just letting me see it's beauty and grace a bit closer. It would then fly back to the safety of the darkness. As I was trying to understand it's fear-- God showed me that I was looking at myself!!

What was God trying to tell me? Is there a grace and beauty to me that I'm not aware of? Maybe not willing to admit to? Am I afraid of moving out of the safety of my little "dark corner"- afraid to trust? Do I try to trust- but then rush away (maybe push away?) for fear of being hurt? Am I afraid of the light or love of others?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!

A lot to think about here.... a lot to pray about here!! Do others see me the way I saw this butterfly?

I saw beauty, innocence, grace, fear, gentleness, peace, quiet, pain, .... this is me!

Sunday is Coming!

Do you have a favorite day of the week? That was a question asked of me in one of those obnoxious "getting to know you" emails that is going around. My friends were all participating, so I figured why not?! For me the answer was a no brainer.... SUNDAY!!!! I love going to church (both of them)! I love the fellowship, the worship, the communion (ESPECIALLY THE COMMUNION!), the closeness I feel to God. I love my Sunday afternoon prayer group (see post below)! Sunday is my uninterrupted day with God!!!! What could possibly be better? Sure, I like Saturday where I can sleep past 7am (when the dogs let me), and have a quiet morning reading and re-energizing from my busy week. But there is something about Sunday that I just can't wait for!!!!

On my desk at work, I have a small note on the corner of my computer that simply says, "Sunday is Coming!". When I put it there, it was just as a reminder that every day of work was one day closer to Sunday. But recently, on a difficult day at the office, I suddenly looked at those words very differently.

It had been a really challenging day.... heavy traffic on the drive in to work, difficult clients, an angry boss, piles of paperwork that wouldn't end, personal issues that wouldn't go away....... you get the picture!!! As I was about to start having a few "words" with God, I looked at my note... SUNDAY IS COMING!!

God was speaking to me.....

Sunday is more than just another day of the week, it's more than just the day we worship and pray, it's more than receiving communion, it's more than fellowship with other believers- it's the day that Christ was risen!!

On Friday He was crucified- He was nailed to a cross by those who hated Him. He was spat upon and laughed at. (I think He'd more than understand my tough day.) But, by the power of God- He overcame that darkness to rise from death and pain- and be an example to us all!

In our suffering, pain, challenges and bad days- it may seem like the darkness of that Friday night, but with the power of God in our hearts--- SUNDAY IS COMING!

God sure woke me up that day!!! I'll never look at that sign the same way again. Every day now for me, is "Sunday". Each morning I crawl out of bed (usually with the dogs doing their famous "take me out" dance)- I thank God for re-creating me... for bringing me from the darkness of "Friday night" to the brightness and beauty of "Sunday morning"!!

A Journey of Faith

Tomorrow is one of those days that we plan months for, and then suddenly it's here! I just emailed a friend saying, "I can't believe tomorrow is tomorrow." It's one of those days that you just know God has blessed!!

Five years ago, I picked up and read the book, "Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. I liked the book, just ok. Several months later, after the death of my dear Mom I picked up the book again. This time it was life changing!! It moved me to my very core- it changed who I was as a Christian woman!

Then, it started happening.... I started "hearing from God"-- He's pretty hard to ignore!!! He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to lead a book study with this book, and He even pointed me to my friend Diane as a co-leader. I wasn't even going to church then-(thankfully that has since changed!)- I had NO clue how this would unfold. But- with all things that God commands, it fell into place perfectly and in June '03 we met at Diane's home with 8 women who wanted to know God as a personal friend. We called ourselves, "Praying Ecumenical Women". God led Diane and I by the hand in the planning. Every move we made- every lesson we planned, we saw His hand in. We saw lives changed that year!! We saw women finding TRUE friendship with God!!!

At the end of that year, we were pretty certain that this "book study" was a one time thing! God must have been really laughing at us!... As we were finishing up the final meeting, we heard from Him again! Another year Lord? REALLY?

Well, there WAS another year, AND another year after that (that year's group name changed to "Women of Prayer" when we made it an "official" church study)! (I think there was a break in between, so I could survive some college classes!) Each year proved to be as powerful as the first-- lives changes, spirits renewed, God moving powerfully among us!!

Tomorrow, we begin the FOURTH group!!!! Who knew!??? What are you doing Lord? (This year's group was actually formed from a "waiting list" from last year!!)

Beginning a new group is always like the first day of school... new friends, new ideas, new growth! It's exciting, and terrifying at the same time! Every year, we have a dynamic and wonderful group of ladies! This year's group is no exception! I can't wait for tomorrow! I can't wait to hear about their faith journey's. I can't wait to hear about how they want to grow this year. I can't wait to watch them grow and come to know this wonderful man we call Christ! What a privilege it is to co-lead this group!!

Thank you God for all of these ladies over the last several years.... Rita, Cinde, Debbie, Kathleen, Allison, Laura, Hope, Ruth, Pat, Anne, Jackie, Mary, Debbie, Barb, Melissa, Jeanne, Deb, Mary, Kathy, Dee Ann, Lisa... and for this year's Women of Prayer- Toni, Debbie, Laurie, Phyllis, Chris, Karen, Nancy, April, Ruth--
and especially my friend of 25 years and group co-leader, Diane.
Thank you for being present in their lives then and now. Thank you for leading them to be part of this group.

Lord, you have blessed me so abundantly through this study! Thank you for leading me to begin it, and for pointing me to my friend Diane to lead it with me. Thank you for guiding us so powerfully in the planning. Thank you for being present with us at each and every class, and each and every planning meeting. Thank you for touching our lives, and the lives of these women of faith!!!!

And Lord, please bless this year's group. Move among us powerfully tomorrow and at all our classes throughout the next nine months. Help us to become true Women of Prayer!!

And to whoever is reading this blog-- would you please take a moment to say a prayer for this year's Women of Prayer? Ask God to bless us- so that we'll feel His presence in all we do and at each and every class-- seeing yet again, lives changed, spirits renewed, and hearts knowing Christ as a TRUE friend!!

Why do we hurt people we care about?

Have you ever wished you could take back your words?

Have you ever said something, then immediately (or even a while later) realized the hurtfulness and harshness of your words? Tonight I hurt a friend by doing just that!

He's someone whom I respect more than anyone else in this world, someone who really is my spiritual role-model. He's the last person in this world that I'd want to hurt.

He'd done something to encourage me and support me in my call to ministry. He was showing me that he believed in me, in my gifts, in my calling. But I took it negatively- my own insecurity took over. I reacted very, very inappropriately- very, very hurtfully. I could tell by his voice and eyes that I'd hurt him. I just wanted to crawl under the table I was sitting at. Instead of apologizing right then, I withdrew and avoided him for most of the remainder of the evening.

Why do we do these things? Why do we hurt the people we most care about? My dear Mom often told me that we, "always hurt the ones we love". Back then I thought she was silly, just being a Mom (and laying on the guilt heavily). But, now as an adult I see the power of those words. Our words do carry power-- we can hurt or we can heal. God forgive me for making the horrible choice to hurt tonight!

I don't know if my friend reads this blog or not. If he is, I want him to know how very sorry I am!!! Thank you for caring enough to encourage me to "step out of the boat"!!!! Keep pushing me-- please!!! Please also, forgive me for the times, like tonight, when my insecurity and thoughtlessness may hurt you (sadly, I'm sure this won't be the last time!). Thank you for helping me grow into the person I know God wants me to be!!! God Bless You!!!

Believing in the Unseen

The picture you see above, as well as the one always on the side, was take at Christ the King Spiritual Life Center, in Greenwich NY in the chapel of the Oratory of Christ the Healer. This is my very favorite place in the entire world! The break-through cross in the window never ceases to comfort, encourage, cheer and inspire me. What I see when I look at that is a visual reminder of what faith is all about.... believing in the unseen!

When we pray, with our whole hearts, we're believing in the unseen. When we worship God on Sunday and throughout the week, we're believing in the unseen. When we read the Bible and learn about this wonderful man Jesus, we're believing in the unseen. When we celebrate his resurrection on Easter morning, we're believing in the unseen!

That is really all God asks us to do with our faith... to trust Him enough to believe in the unseen. It is then that we find doors opened, lives changed, darkness lifted, weights removed, pain lessened and life renewed.