This has been a tough few weeks for me for a lot of reasons, which I won't go into here-- but tonight, as if to add insult to injury, my kitty Bandit (Toesy's momma) climbed up into my lap, and I noticed a golf ball sized lump over her right rib cage. As I was holding her, with tears streaming down my face and unbelievable frustration in my heart, I was reminded of the words from the Bible, "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances". With pain in my heart and voice, I looked up to God and said,
"Lord, I know your word says to rejoice, pray and give thanks-- but quite honestly Lord, right now I JUST CAN'T thank you for this, and I can't rejoice. Lord, there is only so much pain and suffering that the human heart can bear-- mine has reached it's limit."
I could tell by the calm I felt, that God understood. I know He is hurting with me, and knows that the time will come when I can give thanks and rejoice again-- but not right now. I can't in all sincerity thank Him for the suffering that I'm enduring lately. I can say the words, but God knows that they're not from my heart. What I can do, and am- is pray to Him with all my heart and lean on His strength, because right now I have NONE of my own.
I talked with Bandit's doctor tonight. He tried not to sound panicked, but did tell me that she needed to be seen as soon as possible. With my car problems, that won't be until Saturday.
God, please heal my sweet Bandit! God, please heal my hurting heart!
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I am reminded of the poem about footprints in the sand. I think this is a time of your life where you can't see God's footprints next to yours (metaphorically) because he is carrying you. It must be almost impossible to give thanks for more trouble. Maybe we are meant to give thanks for the things we have that are not related to the trouble, to help redirect our attention. Let God carry you and while you are in his arms, whisper to him one thing you are thankful for...truly thankful, like warm sunny days at CTK by the pond with butterflies fluttering around. Or the sound of a dear friend's voice as he prays. God loves you, no matter what the evil one tries to make you think. You are blessed and loved and you will be more sure of your own strength when all these trials are done.
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