thoughts...

Let me start out by saying that I am in a seriously foul mood today!!!! I don't know if it's PMS, menopause, life in general, or all of the above-- but I'm best kept away from humanity today (the kind people at church will vouch for that... sorry kind people!). Even the dogs ran for cover when they heard me pounding on pillows and yelling at the computer. It's not that the computer has done anything specifically wrong (although it is a computer), nor has the pillow- they just happened to be in my way at the wrong moment.

That said-- I spent my entire drive home from Greenwich today sobbing-- not at anything that happened during the service, but at a "displaced anger", which I now realize hurt not only myself this morning, but also someone else... (sorry Fr Nigel!). When the tears finally cleared, so did my mind. God revealed to me the source of my anger, and why I was taking it out on dear Fr Nigel, who really didn't deserve it. This last year has been pretty much a living hell-- with my job problems, car problems, kitty sicknesses/death, childhood flashbacks, various health problems, relationship (and lack of) problems, neighbor problems and financial challenges (phew...I'm drained just writing about it) -- let's just say that I'm beyond exhausted- physically, emotionally and spiritually!!! During the year, I've held relatively firm to my faith and still am-- but honestly admit that I'm a bit angry with God for His often lack of response (at least in my eyes) to my regular cries for help. Ok, so what does this have to do with "displaced anger"?? Well, as near as I can figure (and comments here are welcome), I see Fr Nigel as the most Christ-like person I've ever had the wonderful privilege of knowing... his eyes are filled with the love of Christ, his hands possess the gift of healing through Christ, his words possess the wisdom of Christ and his life reflects the evidence of the living Christ. So, you may be wondering what is the issue here? The problem is, that with my anger at God right now- I'm looking at Fr Nigel and seeing the evidence of the living Christ-- a tangible and living presence and representation of this God who for whatever reason does not want to answer my cries for help. I know that my anger is being displaced-- I know that what I really need to do is go the to very top of the "mountain" at CtK and scream my brains out-- AT GOD!

As I write this, I'm reminded of the story in the Bible about Abraham and Issac... Abraham is told to go to the mountain and sacrifice his son Issac... with heavy steps Abraham obeys God and goes to the the mountain ready to sacrifice his son-- but pleased with Abraham's obedience, at the last minute God provides the lamb. They called the mountain, "the mountain of God will provide". Is God leading me to the mountain? If I fall on my knees in His presence, on the mountain-- will He provide?

I'll end this post, at least for now, with an apology to Fr Nigel. I love you with all my heart, my dear brother in Christ. Please forgive me (again) for hurting you.

Well, I'm still in a foul mood- I think I will be until I can deal with this anger at God. So for now, I'm going to climb into a long hot bath and then curl up on the sofa with a good movie, a big glass of wine and some freshly baked brownies. A little self indulgence never hurt. The dogs have come out of hiding, and the pillow and computer have survived the day. Thanks to whoever is reading this for listening, loving and praying!! Happy New Year (almost) kind people!!!