Have you ever wished you could take back your words?
Have you ever said something, then immediately (or even a while later) realized the hurtfulness and harshness of your words? Tonight I hurt a friend by doing just that!
He's someone whom I respect more than anyone else in this world, someone who really is my spiritual role-model. He's the last person in this world that I'd want to hurt.
He'd done something to encourage me and support me in my call to ministry. He was showing me that he believed in me, in my gifts, in my calling. But I took it negatively- my own insecurity took over. I reacted very, very inappropriately- very, very hurtfully. I could tell by his voice and eyes that I'd hurt him. I just wanted to crawl under the table I was sitting at. Instead of apologizing right then, I withdrew and avoided him for most of the remainder of the evening.
Why do we do these things? Why do we hurt the people we most care about? My dear Mom often told me that we, "always hurt the ones we love". Back then I thought she was silly, just being a Mom (and laying on the guilt heavily). But, now as an adult I see the power of those words. Our words do carry power-- we can hurt or we can heal. God forgive me for making the horrible choice to hurt tonight!
I don't know if my friend reads this blog or not. If he is, I want him to know how very sorry I am!!! Thank you for caring enough to encourage me to "step out of the boat"!!!! Keep pushing me-- please!!! Please also, forgive me for the times, like tonight, when my insecurity and thoughtlessness may hurt you (sadly, I'm sure this won't be the last time!). Thank you for helping me grow into the person I know God wants me to be!!! God Bless You!!!
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Believing in the Unseen
The picture you see above, as well as the one always on the side, was take at Christ the King Spiritual Life Center, in Greenwich NY in the chapel of the Oratory of Christ the Healer. This is my very favorite place in the entire world! The break-through cross in the window never ceases to comfort, encourage, cheer and inspire me. What I see when I look at that is a visual reminder of what faith is all about.... believing in the unseen!
When we pray, with our whole hearts, we're believing in the unseen. When we worship God on Sunday and throughout the week, we're believing in the unseen. When we read the Bible and learn about this wonderful man Jesus, we're believing in the unseen. When we celebrate his resurrection on Easter morning, we're believing in the unseen!
That is really all God asks us to do with our faith... to trust Him enough to believe in the unseen. It is then that we find doors opened, lives changed, darkness lifted, weights removed, pain lessened and life renewed.
When we pray, with our whole hearts, we're believing in the unseen. When we worship God on Sunday and throughout the week, we're believing in the unseen. When we read the Bible and learn about this wonderful man Jesus, we're believing in the unseen. When we celebrate his resurrection on Easter morning, we're believing in the unseen!
That is really all God asks us to do with our faith... to trust Him enough to believe in the unseen. It is then that we find doors opened, lives changed, darkness lifted, weights removed, pain lessened and life renewed.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
God's Promise
I wrote the following poem in 1984, shortly after the death of my father. Those of you who know me, know that my father was not a nice man. I was going through some heavy grief, not for what I had lost- but for what I never had. I was in a very dark place in my life- but as with all times of trial in our lives- even when there is no light to be seen, God was ever present. I do believe that HE wrote this for me. I still have it posted in my kitchen as a constant reminder of HIS promise.
The sun may not always shine
and the rainbow may not always appear after the storm-
but I know that they're still there.
I may be loaded down with one problem after another
and I may spend hours upon hours crying.
But I know that behind the clouds,
and in spite of the storm-
the sun and the rainbow are still there.
The sun may not always shine
and the rainbow may not always appear after the storm-
but I know that they're still there.
I may be loaded down with one problem after another
and I may spend hours upon hours crying.
But I know that behind the clouds,
and in spite of the storm-
the sun and the rainbow are still there.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Mary
MARY
Every once in a while in this life, you run across someone who will, just by their presence completely change your life. They may be in your life for only a short time, or may spend years and years in your heart. But either way, they touch you in ways that make a permanent difference in your thinking and your living. Back in 1982-83, I met just such a person.
I want you to meet Mary.
High school was not easy for me. I was not a good student, and was not by any stretch of the imagination among the “popular crowd”. My home life was a mess and I fought a daily battle with depression- which would go largely unrecognized and un-acknowledged by my school. In my effort to find a place in the school and get through the monotony of those long days, I found myself volunteering for a program in the school, which was an extension of Wildwood School. It was a program where they brought in mentally retarded students and integrated them, in small ways into the mainstream of public high school. Mary was one of those students.
The day I began my volunteering was terrifying. I’d never even been around mentally retarded kids before, and here I was surrounded by them. But for some reason, I fought my fear and stayed. I’m glad I did!!! Mary was one of the first students I met. She immediately ran over to say, ”hello”. She never questioned why I was there or who I was, but she was happy to see me even as a complete stranger. Her openness and honesty took me off guard a bit- but it was also one of the things I learned to love about her. Mary and I gradually became good friends. She was two years older than me, but really had the mind of a young child. I worked with her one on one for one hour a day throughout the week, for a full year. There were days where she tried my patience, but there were days where I left knowing that she’d been the teacher that day.
What did I learn from Mary that year?
I learned about unconditional love. She taught me to love first and trust later and to not even think about judging. In today’s world that is SO hard to do. More often than not, that practice gets me into trouble. But, it’s a good thing to do, and despite the bruises to my heart, I continue to practice it.
I learned about true JOY! Mary had her bad days, many of them-- her life was not easy- but she pushed the “stuff” away and saw the beauty in little things. I remember time and time again having to re-direct her to our “lessons”, when in reality perhaps the greatest lesson was in the distraction that she’d found outside the window or in the hallway or on the other side of the room. To find joy in the world around is perhaps one of the greatest attributes a person can have.
I learned about hugging!! Mary loved to hug!! She didn’t care who you were- just that you were human was enough reason to give a hug!! Lesson learned!!
I learned to be accepting of differences. Mary certainly was “different”, at least on the outside, but she taught me that we have to look past the scars of this world to a person’s heart. It is there that we find that we’re all very, very much alike. Once we learn to look past the outward “stuff” we can find love for human-kind.
After high school I lost touch with Mary. Her mom and I had tried to say in contact, but with the hectic pace of my beginning college, we gradually lost touch.
Mary died two years ago. My heart broke when I saw the obituary. I remember crying my eyes out, as I’m doing now just writing this. This world has lost a wonderful human being- and I lost a wonderful teacher and friend.
Just this past week, when looking for information about a local chapter of the International Order of St Luke (http://www.orderofstluke.org/), I came across a name that was very familiar. It was Mary’s mom! We re-connected this week, and have shared many wonderful memories of Mary. It’s amazing how God works!! Order of St Luke is all about healing-- and in the simple act of just being who she was, not putting on any masks as our world does daily- Mary, in her loving honest open innocent joyful way brought healing to me back then and still today through her memory.
God bless you, Mary!! You really are a gift from God!!
Every once in a while in this life, you run across someone who will, just by their presence completely change your life. They may be in your life for only a short time, or may spend years and years in your heart. But either way, they touch you in ways that make a permanent difference in your thinking and your living. Back in 1982-83, I met just such a person.
I want you to meet Mary.
High school was not easy for me. I was not a good student, and was not by any stretch of the imagination among the “popular crowd”. My home life was a mess and I fought a daily battle with depression- which would go largely unrecognized and un-acknowledged by my school. In my effort to find a place in the school and get through the monotony of those long days, I found myself volunteering for a program in the school, which was an extension of Wildwood School. It was a program where they brought in mentally retarded students and integrated them, in small ways into the mainstream of public high school. Mary was one of those students.
The day I began my volunteering was terrifying. I’d never even been around mentally retarded kids before, and here I was surrounded by them. But for some reason, I fought my fear and stayed. I’m glad I did!!! Mary was one of the first students I met. She immediately ran over to say, ”hello”. She never questioned why I was there or who I was, but she was happy to see me even as a complete stranger. Her openness and honesty took me off guard a bit- but it was also one of the things I learned to love about her. Mary and I gradually became good friends. She was two years older than me, but really had the mind of a young child. I worked with her one on one for one hour a day throughout the week, for a full year. There were days where she tried my patience, but there were days where I left knowing that she’d been the teacher that day.
What did I learn from Mary that year?
I learned about unconditional love. She taught me to love first and trust later and to not even think about judging. In today’s world that is SO hard to do. More often than not, that practice gets me into trouble. But, it’s a good thing to do, and despite the bruises to my heart, I continue to practice it.
I learned about true JOY! Mary had her bad days, many of them-- her life was not easy- but she pushed the “stuff” away and saw the beauty in little things. I remember time and time again having to re-direct her to our “lessons”, when in reality perhaps the greatest lesson was in the distraction that she’d found outside the window or in the hallway or on the other side of the room. To find joy in the world around is perhaps one of the greatest attributes a person can have.
I learned about hugging!! Mary loved to hug!! She didn’t care who you were- just that you were human was enough reason to give a hug!! Lesson learned!!
I learned to be accepting of differences. Mary certainly was “different”, at least on the outside, but she taught me that we have to look past the scars of this world to a person’s heart. It is there that we find that we’re all very, very much alike. Once we learn to look past the outward “stuff” we can find love for human-kind.
After high school I lost touch with Mary. Her mom and I had tried to say in contact, but with the hectic pace of my beginning college, we gradually lost touch.
Mary died two years ago. My heart broke when I saw the obituary. I remember crying my eyes out, as I’m doing now just writing this. This world has lost a wonderful human being- and I lost a wonderful teacher and friend.
Just this past week, when looking for information about a local chapter of the International Order of St Luke (http://www.orderofstluke.org/), I came across a name that was very familiar. It was Mary’s mom! We re-connected this week, and have shared many wonderful memories of Mary. It’s amazing how God works!! Order of St Luke is all about healing-- and in the simple act of just being who she was, not putting on any masks as our world does daily- Mary, in her loving honest open innocent joyful way brought healing to me back then and still today through her memory.
God bless you, Mary!! You really are a gift from God!!
Ok, so let's give this blogging thing a try. I've had several people tell me this week that I have a gift for writing and a lot of interesting opinions on Christianity. They all tell me that I should write and share more. (I also had an English professor in college who told me never to write again! I think I need to find forgiveness for him!) We'll see how this goes. Comments (gentle please) are appreciated!
The title of my blog comes from a not so recent call to ministry. That was July '06. Up until last weekend I was able to pretty much ignore it. God never stopped reminding me, I just kept ignoring Him. A weekend retreat organized by one of my churches (more on that another time) about the necessity of forgiveness gave me the opportunity to get away from life for three wonderful days. It's not to say that the weekend was easy, it wasn't. Almost 48 hours focused on forgiveness (a tough subject for anyone) was at the very least exhausting. But it gave me time away from the regular routine of life: work, work, church activities and MORE church activities. It gave me time to sit at the Lord's feet and LISTEN!!! Not only was I able to find HUGE healing in some unforgiveness I'd carried most of my life, but it gave me time to realize how important finally answering God's calling was. He created me for a reason, with gifts given specifically for ministry. Ignoring the calling was in essence putting myself and my "plans" above His. He loves me sooooo much, and has blessed my life in ways that I'm only beginning to see. How unfair of me to ignore His call on my life. Do I know what that call means? Other than being relatively certain that it has something to do with Healing Ministry-- I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE!! But, do I trust it?? YOU KNOW I DO!! I take this call one step at a time-- often now I'm finding, stepping WAAAAYYYYYYY out of my comfort zone. I listen for clues from Him telling me where to turn next and who to talk with regarding the calling. He won't lead me astray. I'm a sheep of His pasture. I still, however, often find myself looking up and saying, "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT, LORD???!!!"
The title of my blog comes from a not so recent call to ministry. That was July '06. Up until last weekend I was able to pretty much ignore it. God never stopped reminding me, I just kept ignoring Him. A weekend retreat organized by one of my churches (more on that another time) about the necessity of forgiveness gave me the opportunity to get away from life for three wonderful days. It's not to say that the weekend was easy, it wasn't. Almost 48 hours focused on forgiveness (a tough subject for anyone) was at the very least exhausting. But it gave me time away from the regular routine of life: work, work, church activities and MORE church activities. It gave me time to sit at the Lord's feet and LISTEN!!! Not only was I able to find HUGE healing in some unforgiveness I'd carried most of my life, but it gave me time to realize how important finally answering God's calling was. He created me for a reason, with gifts given specifically for ministry. Ignoring the calling was in essence putting myself and my "plans" above His. He loves me sooooo much, and has blessed my life in ways that I'm only beginning to see. How unfair of me to ignore His call on my life. Do I know what that call means? Other than being relatively certain that it has something to do with Healing Ministry-- I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE!! But, do I trust it?? YOU KNOW I DO!! I take this call one step at a time-- often now I'm finding, stepping WAAAAYYYYYYY out of my comfort zone. I listen for clues from Him telling me where to turn next and who to talk with regarding the calling. He won't lead me astray. I'm a sheep of His pasture. I still, however, often find myself looking up and saying, "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT, LORD???!!!"
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