Silent Retreat- Part 2

"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."

This is the scripture that I spent much of my twenty four hours praying. God heard, and yes, He spoke.

To start from the beginning- I did survive- AND can't wait to do it again!! (It's my hope to do this AT LEAST every three months!) It's an experience that I would whole-heartedly reccommend to anyone. Was it easy?... Not by a long shot! There were a ton of tears, a ton of anxiety and a ton of new questions. "Why would anyone want to do it again", I hear you asking.... Why? Because the end result is a peace that passes understanding- a renewed faith, a renewed energy, a renewed love and committment to God and His calling in my life. We have to walk through the darkness to then walk in the light.

The "God planned theme" for the retreat seemed to be LIGHT and LOVE. Many of the messages God gave me had to do with light, and even my conversation with Father Nigel focused on LIGHT- to the point where he had me sit on a chair in the chapel, bathing in God's bright light and love. The LOVE that I felt, (God's love and the love of my fellow Christians) was palpable. (My fur babies show love- but in a subtle furry way and I wouldn't trade it for the world!) Every time I ran into someone I knew- from the hospitality staff, to Father Nigel- I felt the absolute love of Christ pouring from their hearts into mine. At the end of the communion, Sandra (the program coordinator for the Healing Center) told me that "so many people there care about and love me". I don't know why- but this just caused me to burst into tears of joy. I know I knew it-- but hearing it just really blessed my heart. (Thank you Sandra!)

Random thoughts/ messages:

**Things look different in the light.

**As I was sitting in the beautiful sunroom in Barry House, there was a nasty hornet that was REALLY bothering me. The very odd thing about all of this is my history there (in that same room) with hornets... back in October when I was sitting there chatting with Father Nigel about a time of reconciliation, a hornet was almost attacking me. Yesterday, while praying and re-committing my life to God- the creature was attacking me again. Now here's the strange part- this morning when I woke up and went to sit there with my tea- it was laying dead in front of the chair. When I mentioned the hornet to the housekeeper, she said it was very odd- because they do have them there-- but usually only in the WARM months. (It was anything but warm there!) Hmmmmmm!!!!!?????????

**An odd dream--- reminicent of the story of Samuel in the Bible, God spoke to me in the middle of the night. My dream was of a water color painting- done just of paint droplets, But then, God added, "You have given me what is there, give me what is not there" (HUH?). As if that wasn't confusing enough- God then said (oh so clearly), "Do it NOW". In my dream state, I ignored Him-- but He kept at it, "Do it NOW". By this time, I was waking up enough to tell God I was tired, and I'd do it in the morning... "Do it NOW". Ok, Lord- You win! So yes, I was wide awake at 3am, painting a very odd- God directed painting of various colors of paint droplets. After completing it, looking at it, and remembering what He'd said about, "...give Me what is not there",- I was even more confused. I had Father Nigel look at the painting at communion, and he managed to figure it out- explaining that it was my life, my relationships and my healing. But even he couldn't understand the message. He figured that God will reveal that to me in time.

**Trust My Light
Listen to My Hope
Remember My Love
Believe

**Fully believing He will heal me,
I listen in faith, and come out of the darkness and chaos
into His loving and peaceful Light.

**Look past the darkness. Look for the Light.

**New birth
My choice
Inner transformation
Bless me Lord
Inspire me Lord
Help me to remember that from dark comes courage
It's part of the journey
But You, Great Spirit
Give serenity through it all

Hmmmmmm!!!!

Ok, so this post is getting LONG! (Sorry!) Lot's more to tell, so this will be continued tomorrow.

Thanks for the prayers, kind people!!

PS- Spell check is not working-- spelling is not one of the gifts that God gave me... sorry for any boo boos!!

Silent Retreat

Bright and early tomorrow morning, I will be beginning a twenty-four hour silent retreat... just me and God- no phones, no computers, no church work, no work work!

When I tell my friends that I'll be doing this- their first reaction is, "better you than me". Even my (Latham) pastor tells me that of our large congregation, he can only think of about three people that could handle silence for that length of time- one of those was me, one other was him. My friends are supportive though, and all have offered to be covering me in prayer throughout the twenty-four hours.

What will this retreat look like? Why the heck am I doing it? Well, the first question is the easier of the two to answer.... my time (at CtK- my Greenwich church), will be largely unstructured. I'll be bringing my Bibles, a notebook, and my watercolor paints (God has been speaking to me quite loudly thorough my paintings lately). I'll spend my time in prayer, in quiet and listening, in reading, in painting and in resting. The twenty-four hours will end with private communion with Father Nigel. Following that, I'll head home to get a few hours of rest, and then head back up with Jeanne and Debbie for an evening Taize service. Why am I doing this??? That question isn't quite as easy to answer... I think the bottom line is that God is leading me to this- I am simply being obedient. Beyond that, I am needing time and quiet to find some answers that I may or may not discover in my silence. I have also been VERY stressed with the many things I have going on with church lately (watch for a post next week about the "First Annual Calvary All- Church Woman's Retreat"). Yesterday, I counted my meetings lately- with the exception of the next two days in Greenwich, I will have had meetings or church events for twenty three consecutive days!!! Yes, I'm needing a break right now. So the time in Greenwich, (where I will be leaving my retreat folder and work at home) will give me the time away to refresh and renew, so that I will come back to the church events with a new energy and faith.

I guess that was a long way of saying that I expect (pray) the next two days will be a time of spiritual renewal for me- more specifically a time to re-commit to God. I'll report back on Thursday afternoon. Prayers please, kind people?

Five years... I miss you Mom!!

Today is a sad day for me.... it's the five year anniversary of my dear Mom's death. While, I know she's happy in Heaven- reunited with her family and friends that have also passed on, my heart aches and I just long to hug her again- to hear her voice- to just be close.

In reality I think I lost Mom about eight years before she died. She was one of the many who suffered the fate of Alzheimer's disease. Most people know about the sadness of Alzheimer's, but without first hand knowledge there is now way to know the true horror of this horrible curse. Mom had always been one of the most cheerful, optimistic, gentle people on the face of the earth. Alzheimer's disease changed this completely. Over the course of the eight years, she became depressed- crying most of the time, she became angry (often violent)- at her disease, at everything and everyone around her. (I'll never forget the night that she became so confused that she insisted I was an intruder trying to hold her hostage- she went after me with a screw driver, trying with all her might to harm me.) She lost all short term memory, and much of her long term memory. For the last two years of her life, she had no clue who I was. The day I realized this, was truly the hardest day of my life- even harder than the day she died. I knew right then, that the person I knew as "Mom", was indeed a stranger. I like to think that her soul went to Heaven long before her body did. In the end of her life, there was no real soul left- this horrible disease had robbed her of that. It robbed her of any quality of life. It robbed ME of the most wonderful Mom in the world!!! Yes, there is a lot of anger in my heart at the horrible agony of this disease.

But, in the midst of all of my pain and anger- there is one thing I am certain of- THERE IS NO ALZHEIMER'S IN HEAVEN!!!!!! Yes, I really do miss my Mom- but I also rejoice in the fact that she is no longer in pain, no longer sad and crying.
Here is a YouTube video that I made in memory of Mom. Hope you enjoy getting to know my wonderful Mom!!

ASK??????!!!!!!???????

I went to the evening healing service in Greenwich last night, and although surrounded by people I love- I left, not only with a migraine, but with more anger and frustration.

The homily was all about asking God. "If we ask, we receive", Fr Nigel kept saying, "we have to ask first". HELLO!!!!!! I AM ASKING!!!

What he didn't address was, those times when we don't receive answers. He made it sound so simple- and maybe it is... for other people, but clearly not for me!!! Do you need to be on God's "A list" to receive answers to your prayers?? If that's the case, I'm clearly on God's "Y or Z list"...!!!! I believe that I live a Christian life-- trying hard to do what is right, helping others, attending church weekly, praying without ceasing- for myself and others, putting God first in my life... I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong-- why is God not hearing me? Is there a trick to praying that I'm not aware of?

According to Biblegateway.com the Bible has 155 references to prayer. This morning, inspite of the stabbing pain in my head (again, I ASKED God to heal my migraine, but no...) I looked briefly at all 155. Not one gave me a clue to what I'm doing wrong- they all made it sound SO darn simple!!! Honestly, kind people, I'm getting tired of ASKING!

Fr Nigel, in his homily, refered to a "quote" about asking that he'd been "taught" in boarding school.... "If you ask, you won't get, if you don't ask you won't get- so don't ask." As sad as it sounds, I actually related to that quote... Fr Nigel went on to say that in God's case all we have to do is ask... yah, sure!!!

Ok well the head is really pounding (a knife in the back of my head, best describes my pain right now) and I'm starting to see double... all normal migraine stuff. I think I'll pop some MORE tylenol, grab an icepack (great in -10 weather) and try again to ASK God to heal me of this agony. I'll report back if I receive relief. Nighty night (ah, good morning?) kind people...