Let me start out by saying that I am in a seriously foul mood today!!!! I don't know if it's PMS, menopause, life in general, or all of the above-- but I'm best kept away from humanity today (the kind people at church will vouch for that... sorry kind people!). Even the dogs ran for cover when they heard me pounding on pillows and yelling at the computer. It's not that the computer has done anything specifically wrong (although it is a computer), nor has the pillow- they just happened to be in my way at the wrong moment.
That said-- I spent my entire drive home from Greenwich today sobbing-- not at anything that happened during the service, but at a "displaced anger", which I now realize hurt not only myself this morning, but also someone else... (sorry Fr Nigel!). When the tears finally cleared, so did my mind. God revealed to me the source of my anger, and why I was taking it out on dear Fr Nigel, who really didn't deserve it. This last year has been pretty much a living hell-- with my job problems, car problems, kitty sicknesses/death, childhood flashbacks, various health problems, relationship (and lack of) problems, neighbor problems and financial challenges (phew...I'm drained just writing about it) -- let's just say that I'm beyond exhausted- physically, emotionally and spiritually!!! During the year, I've held relatively firm to my faith and still am-- but honestly admit that I'm a bit angry with God for His often lack of response (at least in my eyes) to my regular cries for help. Ok, so what does this have to do with "displaced anger"?? Well, as near as I can figure (and comments here are welcome), I see Fr Nigel as the most Christ-like person I've ever had the wonderful privilege of knowing... his eyes are filled with the love of Christ, his hands possess the gift of healing through Christ, his words possess the wisdom of Christ and his life reflects the evidence of the living Christ. So, you may be wondering what is the issue here? The problem is, that with my anger at God right now- I'm looking at Fr Nigel and seeing the evidence of the living Christ-- a tangible and living presence and representation of this God who for whatever reason does not want to answer my cries for help. I know that my anger is being displaced-- I know that what I really need to do is go the to very top of the "mountain" at CtK and scream my brains out-- AT GOD!
As I write this, I'm reminded of the story in the Bible about Abraham and Issac... Abraham is told to go to the mountain and sacrifice his son Issac... with heavy steps Abraham obeys God and goes to the the mountain ready to sacrifice his son-- but pleased with Abraham's obedience, at the last minute God provides the lamb. They called the mountain, "the mountain of God will provide". Is God leading me to the mountain? If I fall on my knees in His presence, on the mountain-- will He provide?
I'll end this post, at least for now, with an apology to Fr Nigel. I love you with all my heart, my dear brother in Christ. Please forgive me (again) for hurting you.
Well, I'm still in a foul mood- I think I will be until I can deal with this anger at God. So for now, I'm going to climb into a long hot bath and then curl up on the sofa with a good movie, a big glass of wine and some freshly baked brownies. A little self indulgence never hurt. The dogs have come out of hiding, and the pillow and computer have survived the day. Thanks to whoever is reading this for listening, loving and praying!! Happy New Year (almost) kind people!!!
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Missing the point... (a rant, of sorts!)
Let me begin this post by first apologizing to Fr Nigel for what I'm about to say... this will likely sound harsh, but it is meant with love and constructive criticism.
Tonight was the monthly scheduled evening healing service at my Greenwich church. With Tuesday's healing service being cancelled due to Christmas, I was really looking forward to tonight's service. It was snowing a bit, but not enough to concern me. The roads were wet, but really ok. When I arrived at the church, actually a "city on a hill", I began to be concerned-- there was not a car in sight at the chapel. I reversed, and headed to the welcome center, to be greeted with a sign that the service had been cancelled due to weather. (What weather? We're in the northeast, it snows- we're used to it!!) Ok, so not only didn't I know about the cancellation, but I drove two full hours (round trip) and used a full quarter of a tank of gas. Yah, this part really annoyed me- but as I calmed down a bit and really thought about the situation-- what reallllllllllllly began to anger and sadden me were the many opportunities that Fr Nigel and his staff had lost tonight to heal, to lead people to know this wonderful man Christ, to comfort, to love!!!
Not to compare- but rather to give a thought to think on to Fr Nigel.... My Latham church has a wonderful policy. They will not cancel any worship services, no matter how bad the weather is, no matter how "low" they think the numbers might be. Pastor David believes that if even one person makes it to church-- that is church. That is one person that can be touched by the Holy Spirit, one person to be ministered to, one more opportunity to share God's love. The following was in Calvary's mid week message this week-- I think it's appropriate to share in this particular post... credit to Pastor David for a great story!!!
"On the Saturday night before the service, there was a horrible ice, sleet and snow storm. First came the ice, coating all surfaces with a good half-inch of frozen danger. Then came the sleet, adding weight to tree limbs and power lines. Finally came the snow, covering everything in winter beauty. Fortunately, we did not lose power. So naturally, I bound up my sermon and copy of the bulletin, put on my boots, gloves and winter coat, and started out early, to walk the mile and a half to church. There I found the father of family A, shoveling the side walks, and the father of family B, clearing and salting the steps.
Now you have to know that family A and family B did not like each other. The members of the families rarely spoke to each other, and indeed sat on opposite sides of the sanctuary. When it was time to begin worship, the ten of us entered the sanctuary: four from family A, five from family B, and myself. As there were so few of us, I asked that we all move to the front. Naturally, family A and family B sat on opposite sides of the center aisle in the front row.
The service was a quiet event. I think there was as much ice in that frozen congregation, as there was in the winter wonderland outside.
The last carol was God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen. Together we sang it as best we could. As you may know, the last verse goes like this:
Now to the Lord sing praises, all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy!
For the Benediction which followed, I said words to this effect. You are among the most faithful and loving families in our church. You are the two families who made it through the bad weather to worship, and the two families who have cleared the steps and walks. Why don't we all take the advice of the verse we just sang, And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace! The steps were slow, the hugs were hesitant, never-the-less, each one of us hugged everyone else."
What if Pastor David had cancelled church? Would this ministry opportunity ever come again?
When you "cancel" church- how many opportunities may have been lost-- how many opportunities will you NEVER again get back?
I believe that God rejoices any time a person enters a house of worship- and lends an ear, and countless opportunities to reach... touch... heal- to the largest of congregations as well as the the smallest of congregations, even those of one or two. (For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them!)
Now, as I end this "rant", I pray that God will give back the opportunities for healing, loving, and leading the hurting, that were lost tonight. I pray that Fr Nigel and his wonderful staff will think twice the next time snow flakes decide to fly, or registration is low for a retreat or event, or the "numbers" aren't consistently high for a particular gathering. God is there....and God plus one is a majority!!!
Tonight was the monthly scheduled evening healing service at my Greenwich church. With Tuesday's healing service being cancelled due to Christmas, I was really looking forward to tonight's service. It was snowing a bit, but not enough to concern me. The roads were wet, but really ok. When I arrived at the church, actually a "city on a hill", I began to be concerned-- there was not a car in sight at the chapel. I reversed, and headed to the welcome center, to be greeted with a sign that the service had been cancelled due to weather. (What weather? We're in the northeast, it snows- we're used to it!!) Ok, so not only didn't I know about the cancellation, but I drove two full hours (round trip) and used a full quarter of a tank of gas. Yah, this part really annoyed me- but as I calmed down a bit and really thought about the situation-- what reallllllllllllly began to anger and sadden me were the many opportunities that Fr Nigel and his staff had lost tonight to heal, to lead people to know this wonderful man Christ, to comfort, to love!!!
Not to compare- but rather to give a thought to think on to Fr Nigel.... My Latham church has a wonderful policy. They will not cancel any worship services, no matter how bad the weather is, no matter how "low" they think the numbers might be. Pastor David believes that if even one person makes it to church-- that is church. That is one person that can be touched by the Holy Spirit, one person to be ministered to, one more opportunity to share God's love. The following was in Calvary's mid week message this week-- I think it's appropriate to share in this particular post... credit to Pastor David for a great story!!!
"On the Saturday night before the service, there was a horrible ice, sleet and snow storm. First came the ice, coating all surfaces with a good half-inch of frozen danger. Then came the sleet, adding weight to tree limbs and power lines. Finally came the snow, covering everything in winter beauty. Fortunately, we did not lose power. So naturally, I bound up my sermon and copy of the bulletin, put on my boots, gloves and winter coat, and started out early, to walk the mile and a half to church. There I found the father of family A, shoveling the side walks, and the father of family B, clearing and salting the steps.
Now you have to know that family A and family B did not like each other. The members of the families rarely spoke to each other, and indeed sat on opposite sides of the sanctuary. When it was time to begin worship, the ten of us entered the sanctuary: four from family A, five from family B, and myself. As there were so few of us, I asked that we all move to the front. Naturally, family A and family B sat on opposite sides of the center aisle in the front row.
The service was a quiet event. I think there was as much ice in that frozen congregation, as there was in the winter wonderland outside.
The last carol was God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen. Together we sang it as best we could. As you may know, the last verse goes like this:
Now to the Lord sing praises, all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy!
For the Benediction which followed, I said words to this effect. You are among the most faithful and loving families in our church. You are the two families who made it through the bad weather to worship, and the two families who have cleared the steps and walks. Why don't we all take the advice of the verse we just sang, And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace! The steps were slow, the hugs were hesitant, never-the-less, each one of us hugged everyone else."
What if Pastor David had cancelled church? Would this ministry opportunity ever come again?
When you "cancel" church- how many opportunities may have been lost-- how many opportunities will you NEVER again get back?
I believe that God rejoices any time a person enters a house of worship- and lends an ear, and countless opportunities to reach... touch... heal- to the largest of congregations as well as the the smallest of congregations, even those of one or two. (For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them!)
Now, as I end this "rant", I pray that God will give back the opportunities for healing, loving, and leading the hurting, that were lost tonight. I pray that Fr Nigel and his wonderful staff will think twice the next time snow flakes decide to fly, or registration is low for a retreat or event, or the "numbers" aren't consistently high for a particular gathering. God is there....and God plus one is a majority!!!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
My Baby Bandit
Tomorrow night will be one week that my sweet girl has been gone. I still think I hear her, or see her sleeping on my bed-- I have to look twice, and then realize it's her baby (big baby now) Toes, who looks very much like her. My heart sinks at those moments-- she really is gone.
Bandit was a special girl. Everyone that knew her would say that. Eleven years ago, Bandit arrived at my back door, meowing for some food. Never one to resist a hungry kitty, I fed her and sat with her while she ate. When she'd finished, she took off- I figured to do what outside cats do. But instead, within a few minutes she was back- this time with a tiny kitten in her mouth. With no hesitation, she handed me over the mewing ball of fur- and was off again. Again, she was back with another kitten. This happened one more time-- a total of three precious kittens. The trust she had in me- to just hand me her babies was amazing. I wish I could learn that kind of trust. I didn't know where she and her babies had come from, but I knew from the young age of the kittens that they were likely strays. I took all four of them into my home, with the intention of finding them good homes. Well, that never happened- so Bandit (named because of the black mask over her eyes), Precious (named because she is- a beautiful calico), Meme (named because of his kitten meow- me me) and the infamous Toes (named because his favorite toy as a kitten was- yes, my toes) all became a part of my wonderful fur family. Bandit was a perfect Mama. She cared for her babies, teaching them right from wrong and grooming and feeding them as they needed. Even until her death last week, she was still a sweet and loving Mama.
Several years ago, when receiving an xray for her asthma, we discovered that she had been shot at some point in her stray life. The pellet was still wedged in her abdomen. I can't tell you how sick this made me!!! God forgive me for the hateful thoughts I've had against whoever it was that hurt this sweet kitty. I realized then, what a strong and brave baby I had.
Bandit was very friendly and very verbal. She'd greet visitors at the door, with a meow and a snuggle. She was never afraid of visiting the vet office-- when Dr Wolfe (her favorite doctor) would come in the exam room, he'd sit down on the exam table and she'd run over and curl up in his lap. At home, she was my little therapist. If I was having a bad day, all I had to do was call her name once and she'd come running to me with a sweet meow. She'd sit in my lap and let me cry or talk, responding with an occasional meow- just to let me know she was listening. I miss that SO much right now!!!
Three weeks ago, when she'd had her spinal embolism and could no longer walk, I'd pick her up to hold her in bed with me. She'd lay her head on my chest and purr and purr and purr!!! We'd just cuddle and talk for hours. Occasionally she'd look up into my eyes with the most amazing love!! Those were moments I will NEVER ever forget!!! Hers was the most amazing and deep form of love I've ever experienced.
How do I move on from this pain- this incredible loss? The only pain that has ever equaled this, is the loss of my dear Mom- almost exactly five years ago. A lot of people tell me that she was old and to get over it-- but I can't. I lost my baby.
Bandit was a special girl. Everyone that knew her would say that. Eleven years ago, Bandit arrived at my back door, meowing for some food. Never one to resist a hungry kitty, I fed her and sat with her while she ate. When she'd finished, she took off- I figured to do what outside cats do. But instead, within a few minutes she was back- this time with a tiny kitten in her mouth. With no hesitation, she handed me over the mewing ball of fur- and was off again. Again, she was back with another kitten. This happened one more time-- a total of three precious kittens. The trust she had in me- to just hand me her babies was amazing. I wish I could learn that kind of trust. I didn't know where she and her babies had come from, but I knew from the young age of the kittens that they were likely strays. I took all four of them into my home, with the intention of finding them good homes. Well, that never happened- so Bandit (named because of the black mask over her eyes), Precious (named because she is- a beautiful calico), Meme (named because of his kitten meow- me me) and the infamous Toes (named because his favorite toy as a kitten was- yes, my toes) all became a part of my wonderful fur family. Bandit was a perfect Mama. She cared for her babies, teaching them right from wrong and grooming and feeding them as they needed. Even until her death last week, she was still a sweet and loving Mama.
Several years ago, when receiving an xray for her asthma, we discovered that she had been shot at some point in her stray life. The pellet was still wedged in her abdomen. I can't tell you how sick this made me!!! God forgive me for the hateful thoughts I've had against whoever it was that hurt this sweet kitty. I realized then, what a strong and brave baby I had.
Bandit was very friendly and very verbal. She'd greet visitors at the door, with a meow and a snuggle. She was never afraid of visiting the vet office-- when Dr Wolfe (her favorite doctor) would come in the exam room, he'd sit down on the exam table and she'd run over and curl up in his lap. At home, she was my little therapist. If I was having a bad day, all I had to do was call her name once and she'd come running to me with a sweet meow. She'd sit in my lap and let me cry or talk, responding with an occasional meow- just to let me know she was listening. I miss that SO much right now!!!
Three weeks ago, when she'd had her spinal embolism and could no longer walk, I'd pick her up to hold her in bed with me. She'd lay her head on my chest and purr and purr and purr!!! We'd just cuddle and talk for hours. Occasionally she'd look up into my eyes with the most amazing love!! Those were moments I will NEVER ever forget!!! Hers was the most amazing and deep form of love I've ever experienced.
How do I move on from this pain- this incredible loss? The only pain that has ever equaled this, is the loss of my dear Mom- almost exactly five years ago. A lot of people tell me that she was old and to get over it-- but I can't. I lost my baby.
Friday, December 21, 2007
An awsome God
I was really beginning to give up on any hope for a happy Christmas.
This week alone has been one to try my heart to it's very depth... I have been seriously questioning God's existence- primarily due to unanswered prayer and real hardships lately.
Things have been more than difficult financially lately, to the point where I wasn't sure if I could even afford the gas to get to church on Christmas eve. Then, this past Wednesday night my sweet Bandit went to Heaven. She'd been doing so well-- this was totally unexpected. It's not since the death of my sweet Mom has my heart hurt so much- who knew that grief could be so physically painful!!!
I've been crying out to God with all my heart. I am indeed broken! But-- my faith has been tried-- I still believe in God... in His goodness and His love. I realized today that He meets us at our broken-ness. He meets us at our point of need- and not before- not until we are truly on our knees.
Today, I received a taste of God's goodness.... I'm currently at work (my manager keeps adding sporadic days for me, and although I find frustration in the lack of Christianity in the office, I thank God for the extra paycheck). A little while ago, the building landlord came in to collect his rent. Joe is a good Christian man-- we often have wonderful discussions about God's grace and love. Today's discussion, was one of frustration on my part, continually saying, "keep reminding me, Joe". I shared with him about my job issues and frustrations with my position here, to which he kept telling me that I'm here for a reason and to use the opportunity to witness to others about God's grace, mercy and healing love. There must have been something in my eyes or words-- or perhaps God speaking to Joe- because a little while later, his secretary popped in the office with an envelope. Inside, was a handwritten note reminding me that "all things are possible with God"--as well as $500.00 in cash! Yes, I burst into tears!!! She and I prayed together, asking God to renew my heart and spirit. Surrounded by travel brochures, computers and ticket printers, I finally realized that God had met me at my broken-ness. It's not to say that this money will solve all my problems by a long shot-- but I'll have gas to get to church, I'll have food on the table on Christmas and many days after that. I've never asked God for abundance-- I've just asked Him to meet my basic needs, and after a taste of broken-ness and a dose of humbleness-- He has! Thank you God!!!
Merry Christmas and God Bless us Everyone!!!!
This week alone has been one to try my heart to it's very depth... I have been seriously questioning God's existence- primarily due to unanswered prayer and real hardships lately.
Things have been more than difficult financially lately, to the point where I wasn't sure if I could even afford the gas to get to church on Christmas eve. Then, this past Wednesday night my sweet Bandit went to Heaven. She'd been doing so well-- this was totally unexpected. It's not since the death of my sweet Mom has my heart hurt so much- who knew that grief could be so physically painful!!!
I've been crying out to God with all my heart. I am indeed broken! But-- my faith has been tried-- I still believe in God... in His goodness and His love. I realized today that He meets us at our broken-ness. He meets us at our point of need- and not before- not until we are truly on our knees.
Today, I received a taste of God's goodness.... I'm currently at work (my manager keeps adding sporadic days for me, and although I find frustration in the lack of Christianity in the office, I thank God for the extra paycheck). A little while ago, the building landlord came in to collect his rent. Joe is a good Christian man-- we often have wonderful discussions about God's grace and love. Today's discussion, was one of frustration on my part, continually saying, "keep reminding me, Joe". I shared with him about my job issues and frustrations with my position here, to which he kept telling me that I'm here for a reason and to use the opportunity to witness to others about God's grace, mercy and healing love. There must have been something in my eyes or words-- or perhaps God speaking to Joe- because a little while later, his secretary popped in the office with an envelope. Inside, was a handwritten note reminding me that "all things are possible with God"--as well as $500.00 in cash! Yes, I burst into tears!!! She and I prayed together, asking God to renew my heart and spirit. Surrounded by travel brochures, computers and ticket printers, I finally realized that God had met me at my broken-ness. It's not to say that this money will solve all my problems by a long shot-- but I'll have gas to get to church, I'll have food on the table on Christmas and many days after that. I've never asked God for abundance-- I've just asked Him to meet my basic needs, and after a taste of broken-ness and a dose of humbleness-- He has! Thank you God!!!
Merry Christmas and God Bless us Everyone!!!!
Sunday, December 9, 2007
The Quiet Center
Come and find the quiet center
in the crowded life we lead,
find the room for hope to enter,
find the frame where we are freed:
clear the chaos and the clutter,
clear our eyes, that we can see
all the things that really matter,
be at peace, and simply be.
This is the first verse of one of the hymns we sang at church today. It happens to be one of my very favorites and I've sung it many times- both in church and at home, but for some reason I never associated it with Christmas... until today.
How many of us are rushing around right now- trying to complete every little detail to make Christmas perfect. How many of us are over spending our budgets, maxing out our credit cards- trying to find gifts for people who we hope will appreciate our efforts. How many of us are counting the days til the madness is over?
How many of us spend time sitting before the manger each and every day-- remembering the true meaning of this season?
This year my Christmas will be different. Due to the loss of my job, and severe financial difficulties- there won't be gifts under the tree (there won't even be a tree). There won't be my usual "secret Santa" visit to an animal shelter. There won't be lights outside or decorations inside.
What there will be is my beautiful nativity, given to me by my dear Mom several years before she died. There will be a Christmas nail, hanging nearby. There will be a copy of the words to today's hymn. There will be candles, symbolizing the light of Christ.
It's in the true meaning of Christmas that I intend to focus my eyes and heart over the next few weeks. In many ways, I'm thankful that God is helping me focus on HIM this Christmas. Yes, I wish that I could provide my friends with wonderful gifts, and that the animal shelter would again receive their gifts from "Santa". But to know-- REALLY KNOW, the meaning of this season is a gift to me from God that at this time in my life is far more priceless than any material gifts I could give or receive.
Come and find the quiet center
...Peace be still...
in the crowded life we lead,
...Are we too busy to hear Your voice, Lord?...
find the room for hope to enter,
...Is there room in OUR inn for You this year?...
find the frame where we are freed:
..."The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners..."
clear the chaos and the clutter,
...Prepare ye the way of the Lord...
clear our eyes, that we can see
...Open the eyes of our heart, Lord...
all the things that really matter,
...Happy Birthday Jesus...
be at peace, and simply be.
...And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, PRINCE OF PEACE...
in the crowded life we lead,
find the room for hope to enter,
find the frame where we are freed:
clear the chaos and the clutter,
clear our eyes, that we can see
all the things that really matter,
be at peace, and simply be.
This is the first verse of one of the hymns we sang at church today. It happens to be one of my very favorites and I've sung it many times- both in church and at home, but for some reason I never associated it with Christmas... until today.
How many of us are rushing around right now- trying to complete every little detail to make Christmas perfect. How many of us are over spending our budgets, maxing out our credit cards- trying to find gifts for people who we hope will appreciate our efforts. How many of us are counting the days til the madness is over?
How many of us spend time sitting before the manger each and every day-- remembering the true meaning of this season?
This year my Christmas will be different. Due to the loss of my job, and severe financial difficulties- there won't be gifts under the tree (there won't even be a tree). There won't be my usual "secret Santa" visit to an animal shelter. There won't be lights outside or decorations inside.
What there will be is my beautiful nativity, given to me by my dear Mom several years before she died. There will be a Christmas nail, hanging nearby. There will be a copy of the words to today's hymn. There will be candles, symbolizing the light of Christ.
It's in the true meaning of Christmas that I intend to focus my eyes and heart over the next few weeks. In many ways, I'm thankful that God is helping me focus on HIM this Christmas. Yes, I wish that I could provide my friends with wonderful gifts, and that the animal shelter would again receive their gifts from "Santa". But to know-- REALLY KNOW, the meaning of this season is a gift to me from God that at this time in my life is far more priceless than any material gifts I could give or receive.
Come and find the quiet center
...Peace be still...
in the crowded life we lead,
...Are we too busy to hear Your voice, Lord?...
find the room for hope to enter,
...Is there room in OUR inn for You this year?...
find the frame where we are freed:
..."The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners..."
clear the chaos and the clutter,
...Prepare ye the way of the Lord...
clear our eyes, that we can see
...Open the eyes of our heart, Lord...
all the things that really matter,
...Happy Birthday Jesus...
be at peace, and simply be.
...And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, PRINCE OF PEACE...
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