My Grown Up Christmas List

In thinking about the rapidly approaching holidays, Christmas in particular, I was reminded of the old song, "Grown Up Christmas List". That got me thinking about what I might wish for for Christmas-- "a prayer is merely a wish turned God-ward". So perhaps this post is actually a prayer...

Dear Santa (God)--
For Christmas this year I would like:

**peace-- in my heart, in my life, in my friends and in the world
**joy-- in my heart, in my life, in my friends and in the world
**a cure for cancer and Alzheimer's--
-----so that no one else may suffer the fate of these awful diseases
**answers to difficult questions
**an end to any form of child abuse or domestic abuse
**for God to reign in every heart
**for my faith to grow (right now, re-commit)
**to be absolutely content
**to learn to trust God more
**to learn again to trust humanity
**for my "babies" to have good health and happiness
**for my churches and their pastors to find growth and feel God mightily in all they do and for all their ministries to thrive, heal and bring many to Christ
**to find love
**for more opportunities to do for others-- hugging more, reaching our more, listening more, loving more,
**for healing of difficult memories surrounding Christmas, so I can again enjoy the beauty and love of this season
**for our world leaders to know Christ, and rule with Christ in their lives and hearts
**for those returning from the war to find peace and healing of memories
**for all wars to end
**to be less reserved and more confident about reaching out to strangers
**a new job where I can use the gifts God gave me and where I can feel appreciated and valued

here we go again...

Sometimes I really hate asking for prayer from my friends, although I know they willingly and lovingly will pray for any needs... this is another of those moments.

Just when we get over the health crisis with Toes, his momma Bandit decides to get sick-- really sick! Last weekend, had her in to her doctor because I noticed a large mass on her ribcage. My vet did a needle biopsy and the results came back showing cancerous cells. He needs to do a more invasive biopsy this week to confirm the exact diagnosis. If that's not bad enough, last night she jumped up on the table- missed and went sliding off the other side. Shortly after that, I noticed her dragging her left back leg. She couldn't jump and kept falling over. I thought that perhaps she'd strained a muscle and let it go. By this morning, she was worse- so naturally we went to visit the doctor. He did a complete assessment, including a neurological work-up. It appears (completely unrelated to the cancer) that she has a blood clot in her back left leg. He put her on heart meds, aspirin and antibiotics. He also gave her an injection of pain medication. She's resting quietly (finally) in the dog crate I had for Toes. She seems to be in less pain, which is good. He seemed to think that the clot was probably small, or we'd be looking at paralysis. I'm praying that we caught this in time! I'll worry about the cancer after the biopsy. She goes in this week for a re-assessment with the leg, and a more thorough assessment for the cancer. Please please please pray!!!!!

UGH!!! Ok, Lord-- remember what I said about human suffering.... mine REALLY has reached it's limit!!!!! (Yah, ok- so I guess I need some prayer too... please??!)

UPDATE 12/3: Had Bandit to her regular vet last Thursday, because her paralysis was getting worse. Turns out that her orginal diagnosis was incorrect. She acutally had a spinal embolism-- aka a blood clot to the spinal column. She is paralyzed from her waist down. She's in good spirits and eating like crazy-- she just can't use or feel her back legs. Her regular doc put her on some meds, which he said might help. This morning, I was holding her and praying for her, and randomly touched her back end. When I did that she voluntarily moved her back leg-- in other words she felt my hand!!! I was on the phone with my vet in about two minutes. He said that was an incredible sign-- and he hoped that she may eventually (within about two months) regain full use of the back legs! Keep praying!!!

Things I'm Thankful For....

Thank you God for...
my friends-- especially my friends from Women of Prayer (past and present groups)
my churches, and their pastors: Pastor David and Fr Nigel, and all the wonderful "family" I have at both
the gift of God's forgiveness
purring kitties
Tuesday healing services at Christ the King
Wednesday Soaking Prayer at Christ the King
mashed potatoes
the color blue
hugs from dear friends
honest mechanics
snuggly flannel pj's
healing hands
snow flurries-- and soft snowflakes that land on my face
fleece blankets
Hershey's kisses
sand castles
hot cocoa on a cold winter day
Psalm 91
backrubs
the sound of friends praying
monarch butterflies
snow storms that make everyone slow down
the smell of Lilacs
Communion- and the warmth I feel inside when I receive it
retreats
squishy pillows!
sunrises-- and beginning anew each day
the gentleness of sunsets
rainbows.... God's promise
healing of memories
stained glass windows
long hot baths
candlelight
mustard seeds
"God-incidences"
quiet days at home with nothing to do except sit and watch DVD's (romantic comedies!)
bookstores-- and the gift of reading
cold puppy noses
the gift of God's friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rejoice... Pray... Give Thanks

This has been a tough few weeks for me for a lot of reasons, which I won't go into here-- but tonight, as if to add insult to injury, my kitty Bandit (Toesy's momma) climbed up into my lap, and I noticed a golf ball sized lump over her right rib cage. As I was holding her, with tears streaming down my face and unbelievable frustration in my heart, I was reminded of the words from the Bible, "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances". With pain in my heart and voice, I looked up to God and said,

"Lord, I know your word says to rejoice, pray and give thanks-- but quite honestly Lord, right now I JUST CAN'T thank you for this, and I can't rejoice. Lord, there is only so much pain and suffering that the human heart can bear-- mine has reached it's limit."

I could tell by the calm I felt, that God understood. I know He is hurting with me, and knows that the time will come when I can give thanks and rejoice again-- but not right now. I can't in all sincerity thank Him for the suffering that I'm enduring lately. I can say the words, but God knows that they're not from my heart. What I can do, and am- is pray to Him with all my heart and lean on His strength, because right now I have NONE of my own.

I talked with Bandit's doctor tonight. He tried not to sound panicked, but did tell me that she needed to be seen as soon as possible. With my car problems, that won't be until Saturday.

God, please heal my sweet Bandit! God, please heal my hurting heart!

The Gift of Healing

As I was looking online tonight for a support group of sorts, I found the following poem that really touched me. As I face really difficult times right now, I am reminded of the healing I find through my dear friends... Thank you Jeanne, Diane, and Fr Nigel.... thank you for loving me, praying for me, believing for me when I can't believe myself and not letting me give up on myself or God! Thank you for being God's healing presence in my darkness!! I am blessed to have such wonderful friends! I love you all!

The Gift of Healing

When we whisper words of life into a world of hate
We are planting seeds of healing

When we remove our blinders and reach out to our neighbor in need
We are nourishing healing

When we love our neighbor and ourselves
We are harvesting healing

When we choose to forgive and move on
We are forging a path to dispatch healing

When we rest and reflect on loving
We are sharing in the healing of the whole world

by Blanchette

Where is God?

Where is God, when I fall to my knees begging for His presence, His help, His comfort-- and all I feel is nothingness.... emptiness....? Where is God in suffering? Where is God in hopelessness? Where is God in ceasless pain?

Will someone out there please tell me WHERE IS GOD?

So Tell Me God...

Ok, so this hasn't been my best week ever... with the stuff with Tom (see post below), some unpleasant financial issues, my car completely dying, job problems-- so you get the picture... my faith has been weak at it's best. I'm not all to happy with God right now. Several months ago, when dealing with another round of questioning, I wrote the following list of questions I'd like to ask God. A friend once said to me that no one better be behind her when she gets to Heaven, because she's got a ton of questions for God!! This list represents my frustration, some serious, some light. Please feel free to comment/answer any of the questions!

SO TELL ME GOD....

Why do people suffer with Alzheimer’s disease? Why do they literally have to die twice to the people who love them?

What’s the deal with cancer—especially in children?

What is the purpose of carpenter ants, fleas and mosquitoes?

Why do some people have it easy their whole lives and others struggle day after day after day after day, NEVER getting a break?

What’s the deal with “natural disasters”?

What’s heaven REALLY like?

When I’m angry with you and can’t pray, do you still love me?

What on earth made you think Okra would be a good vegetable?

Do you cry when a woman has an abortion?

Where are you when I’m on my knees begging for your presence and your voice, and all I feel is completely alone?

The Bible says, “ask and you shall receive”… does this only apply to a select few? (see above question!)

Since no one is perfect, how good is good enough?

Can people in Heaven hear and see us down here?

Can’t you create one more day of the week or at least a few more hours in each day?

The purpose of the tobacco plant was what?

The Bible says, “Honor thy father and mother”…. does this apply to victims of child abuse as well?

Why do skunks have to stink?

If you can create things like rainbows and shooting stars, why can’t you stop people from hurting each other?

The Bible says, “Where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them”, so does this mean that when I pray all alone you’re not there?

How do you feel about Rap music?

When people are “speaking in tongues”, is that what Heaven sounds like?

Do you ever regret giving us free will?

What’s the purpose of thunder… and for that matter, snow and ice?

What’s your favorite thing about our world right now?

What hurts you the most about our world right now?

How do you measure success?

Why do roses have thorns?

Couldn't you have made broccoli taste like chocolate?

Another Kitty Update

Toes came home last night!!! Hooray!!! THANK YOU GOD!!

He still has his feeding tube, which I (with God's help!) will somehow maintain. His first night home started out poorly, however, when he somehow managed to get the edge of the feeding tube caught on something and nearly pull it out. Yah, so we were back at his doctors office within three hours of his discharge. They said that it looked fine, and to watch for gross stuff coming out if the site. (Can we say EWWWWW!) He's also now feeling so so much better (which is great) that he refuses to leave the bandages over his tube. Yah, so we were at the doctors office again last night for that. They taught me how to put the bandages on properly-- but it was two of them working with him while showing me. We'll see how today goes.... perhaps some divine intervention is needed! (HELP GOD!!) Did the first tube feeding last night, which was no easy task with a squirming cat. But, I did it with few problems. Just gave him his "pre medication" for this mornings feeding (he gets three feedings a day), and it seemed to go more smoothly. (I think I'm more relaxed this morning too!) The actual feeding will take place in about ten minutes. (Prayers please?) He's on nine medications- most of which are twice a day. Fortunatly they go through the feeding tube. They're all really important, ranging from drugs to help his liver, to heavy antibiotics..... Just realized I neglected to post about an important occurance from Thursday.... The infection around Toes feeing tube was REALLY bad. His white cell count was through the roof, and the skin around the site was badly ulcerated. On Wednesday I had Fr Nigel (Thank you, Fr Nigel!) pray for Toes. The next day, I was talking with one of the Dr's taking care of him, and she remarked that the most amazing thing had happened. She said that just overnight, the infection and ulcers had cleared up completely, and his white cell count was completly normal!!!! I just smiled and said, "the power of prayer!". THANK YOU GOD!! The site looks fine (well, at least in their eyes... again can we say EWWWWW!) and he is acting like a perfectly normal kitty! He's eating on his own so much more. Once he is completly eating fully on his own, we'll wait two weeks to remove the feeding tube (just to be safe!). I decided to keep him in a large dog crate here at home. Jack is just too big, and too friendly. I'm afraid that he'll accidentally hurt Toes. Toes actually seems content in the crate, and I'm more relaxed knowing that he's confined and safe. He goes back to the doctor on Wednesday afternoon for a re-check, bloodwork etc. Will let everyone know how that goes. Thanks again for the prayers... keep them coming! (And add me to the prayers as well, as I try to be a "kitty nurse" for several weeks....patience and a strong stomach is needed!)