The Hour I First Believed

At my church in Greenwich, our priest often speaks about the "hour we first believed"- in other words, the moment we first felt Christ in our lives and hearts. For some reason I rarely share about that moment in my life, although it was truly the moment that shaped who I am now and will be forever. Today, on my ride home from church, after a special time of communion- I began remembering in great detail about those incredible moments and felt led to write about them.

As I've mentioned before, I lost my dad back in 1984. He was not a nice man- he really hurt me, (physically and emotionally) until the day he died. When he died I was SO confused--- on the one hand I was grieving what I never had, and on the other I was being told that I wasn't being a good daughter by feeling almost relief from his death. I was also REALLY angry at God. I kept going to church--but flatly refused to take communion!! Fortunately I had a wonderful pastor who sat week after week helping me work through my feelings. There were tears beyond what I could measure- and pain that was indescribable!!

One week we addressed the issue of the communion. We talked about why I didn't want to share in it- and how I transferred my feelings of anger at God into the idea of communion. I don't remember his exact words, but somehow my pastor convinced me to share in Communion with him.

We met on Christmas Eve afternoon (1985), in the beautifully decorated sanctuary of my church. My church (Calvary UMC) is a beautiful church anyway- but at Christmas, with it's poinsettias, candles and nativity-- it's beauty is beyond description!! My pastor and I went to the front of the sanctuary. He lit the Christ candle, and turned on only the light that would illuminate the large cross behind the altar, and then we sat together on the floor directly in front of it.

He began by reading Matthew 18:20-- "Where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." Even though I was still really angry at God-- I was feeling His presence in huge ways as I heard this. (This is still one of my very favorite scriptures.) We then, talked about what communion is- really God's gift of love to us. After that, we shared in communion-- nothing fancy, just grape juice (we're Methodist, remember) and bread.

At this point-- the tears began to pour out of me. I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life!! All the pain of the past years of abuse, the confusion over my father's death and my anger at God- were finally being released from my hurting heart. Somewhere during my tears, my pastor leaned over to hug and comfort me. But-- I didn't know it was him.... I felt the arms and love of someone stronger, more loving, more comforting--- I felt GOD!!!

The next day I wrote the following poem, which still manages to bring tears of joy to my eyes.

I wasn't looking for the Lord, I simply wanted peace-
to rid myself of pain and hurt and make my anguish cease.
I went inside without a thought the Lord might be nearby.
My grief was real, my pain was deep- all I could do was cry.
My friend and I shared in His bread, and then we drank His wine.
Through this humble meal in which we shared, God shared His life with mine.
I found my Lord that Christmas Eve, He filled me to the brim--
I simply wanted peace and hope....
I found them both in HIM!!

Needless to say, after this-- my life was never the same. It's not to say that my faith has always been perfect or I've avoided pain and difficulty (sometimes I think that the pain of loosing my Mom is going to kill me)-- but I know without doubt that God (even when I've felt unworthy of His love or pushed Him away) has always been with me, loving me unconditionally and protecting and providing for me in ways that only HE can!! To this day communion is my favorite part of worship!! Each and every time I share in this wonderful, Holy meal, I relive that "hour I first believed".

Hmmmmm.....

Today I spent the morning at my Greenwich church, it was much needed time to sit and visit with God-- sharing AND listening. Instead of my usual sitting in the chapel, I decided today to sit by the beautiful pond outside the Healing center. It was a glorious morning-- exceptionally warm for the end of September. I could hear the birds singing, the wind blowing- and God speaking.

I've learned that God speaks through sometimes the smallest, most innocent things and if we're not paying close attention we miss some wonderful messages. Today I received one of those messages-- I'm glad I was paying attention!

Just as I was about to leave, the most beautiful butterfly I've ever seen began flying around inside the pavilion where I was sitting. It was black with just a hint of blue and purple in it's wings. It had a simple grace that really caught my attention. I couldn't stop watching it. But then, it began trying to hide. It would go from dark corner to dark corner trying to escape the light or possibly, I wondered, my gaze. Occasionally it would fly down in front of, and then around me- not coming close, but just letting me see it's beauty and grace a bit closer. It would then fly back to the safety of the darkness. As I was trying to understand it's fear-- God showed me that I was looking at myself!!

What was God trying to tell me? Is there a grace and beauty to me that I'm not aware of? Maybe not willing to admit to? Am I afraid of moving out of the safety of my little "dark corner"- afraid to trust? Do I try to trust- but then rush away (maybe push away?) for fear of being hurt? Am I afraid of the light or love of others?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!

A lot to think about here.... a lot to pray about here!! Do others see me the way I saw this butterfly?

I saw beauty, innocence, grace, fear, gentleness, peace, quiet, pain, .... this is me!

Sunday is Coming!

Do you have a favorite day of the week? That was a question asked of me in one of those obnoxious "getting to know you" emails that is going around. My friends were all participating, so I figured why not?! For me the answer was a no brainer.... SUNDAY!!!! I love going to church (both of them)! I love the fellowship, the worship, the communion (ESPECIALLY THE COMMUNION!), the closeness I feel to God. I love my Sunday afternoon prayer group (see post below)! Sunday is my uninterrupted day with God!!!! What could possibly be better? Sure, I like Saturday where I can sleep past 7am (when the dogs let me), and have a quiet morning reading and re-energizing from my busy week. But there is something about Sunday that I just can't wait for!!!!

On my desk at work, I have a small note on the corner of my computer that simply says, "Sunday is Coming!". When I put it there, it was just as a reminder that every day of work was one day closer to Sunday. But recently, on a difficult day at the office, I suddenly looked at those words very differently.

It had been a really challenging day.... heavy traffic on the drive in to work, difficult clients, an angry boss, piles of paperwork that wouldn't end, personal issues that wouldn't go away....... you get the picture!!! As I was about to start having a few "words" with God, I looked at my note... SUNDAY IS COMING!!

God was speaking to me.....

Sunday is more than just another day of the week, it's more than just the day we worship and pray, it's more than receiving communion, it's more than fellowship with other believers- it's the day that Christ was risen!!

On Friday He was crucified- He was nailed to a cross by those who hated Him. He was spat upon and laughed at. (I think He'd more than understand my tough day.) But, by the power of God- He overcame that darkness to rise from death and pain- and be an example to us all!

In our suffering, pain, challenges and bad days- it may seem like the darkness of that Friday night, but with the power of God in our hearts--- SUNDAY IS COMING!

God sure woke me up that day!!! I'll never look at that sign the same way again. Every day now for me, is "Sunday". Each morning I crawl out of bed (usually with the dogs doing their famous "take me out" dance)- I thank God for re-creating me... for bringing me from the darkness of "Friday night" to the brightness and beauty of "Sunday morning"!!

A Journey of Faith

Tomorrow is one of those days that we plan months for, and then suddenly it's here! I just emailed a friend saying, "I can't believe tomorrow is tomorrow." It's one of those days that you just know God has blessed!!

Five years ago, I picked up and read the book, "Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. I liked the book, just ok. Several months later, after the death of my dear Mom I picked up the book again. This time it was life changing!! It moved me to my very core- it changed who I was as a Christian woman!

Then, it started happening.... I started "hearing from God"-- He's pretty hard to ignore!!! He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to lead a book study with this book, and He even pointed me to my friend Diane as a co-leader. I wasn't even going to church then-(thankfully that has since changed!)- I had NO clue how this would unfold. But- with all things that God commands, it fell into place perfectly and in June '03 we met at Diane's home with 8 women who wanted to know God as a personal friend. We called ourselves, "Praying Ecumenical Women". God led Diane and I by the hand in the planning. Every move we made- every lesson we planned, we saw His hand in. We saw lives changed that year!! We saw women finding TRUE friendship with God!!!

At the end of that year, we were pretty certain that this "book study" was a one time thing! God must have been really laughing at us!... As we were finishing up the final meeting, we heard from Him again! Another year Lord? REALLY?

Well, there WAS another year, AND another year after that (that year's group name changed to "Women of Prayer" when we made it an "official" church study)! (I think there was a break in between, so I could survive some college classes!) Each year proved to be as powerful as the first-- lives changes, spirits renewed, God moving powerfully among us!!

Tomorrow, we begin the FOURTH group!!!! Who knew!??? What are you doing Lord? (This year's group was actually formed from a "waiting list" from last year!!)

Beginning a new group is always like the first day of school... new friends, new ideas, new growth! It's exciting, and terrifying at the same time! Every year, we have a dynamic and wonderful group of ladies! This year's group is no exception! I can't wait for tomorrow! I can't wait to hear about their faith journey's. I can't wait to hear about how they want to grow this year. I can't wait to watch them grow and come to know this wonderful man we call Christ! What a privilege it is to co-lead this group!!

Thank you God for all of these ladies over the last several years.... Rita, Cinde, Debbie, Kathleen, Allison, Laura, Hope, Ruth, Pat, Anne, Jackie, Mary, Debbie, Barb, Melissa, Jeanne, Deb, Mary, Kathy, Dee Ann, Lisa... and for this year's Women of Prayer- Toni, Debbie, Laurie, Phyllis, Chris, Karen, Nancy, April, Ruth--
and especially my friend of 25 years and group co-leader, Diane.
Thank you for being present in their lives then and now. Thank you for leading them to be part of this group.

Lord, you have blessed me so abundantly through this study! Thank you for leading me to begin it, and for pointing me to my friend Diane to lead it with me. Thank you for guiding us so powerfully in the planning. Thank you for being present with us at each and every class, and each and every planning meeting. Thank you for touching our lives, and the lives of these women of faith!!!!

And Lord, please bless this year's group. Move among us powerfully tomorrow and at all our classes throughout the next nine months. Help us to become true Women of Prayer!!

And to whoever is reading this blog-- would you please take a moment to say a prayer for this year's Women of Prayer? Ask God to bless us- so that we'll feel His presence in all we do and at each and every class-- seeing yet again, lives changed, spirits renewed, and hearts knowing Christ as a TRUE friend!!