You want me to do what, Lord?

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2010-04-17T19:48:00.004-04:00

In my last post I mentioned the song, "Place in this World" by Michael W Smith. In reading- reading- and re-reading the words to this wonderful song (many tears while doing so), I've been able to see a lot of what my heart is feeling lately. Being torn from the only home I've ever known, losing my only family... I'm looking at my life and trying really hard to make sense of it all. I'm trying to figure out where I go from here- I'm trying to listen to God in it all. But, lately I've been wondering if God is hearing me... as the song says, "If there are millions down on their knees... among the many, can you still here me?" I don't feel like God is answering my prayers, so naturally I'm wondering if He's hearing them!! I need His guidance- and honestly I'm not feeling it in the least!! Yes, I have dreams- hopes... I've prayed and prayed for those things. No, not outrageous things like extravagant cars or homes... but simple things like the joy of being a wife and mom. That's ALL I've ever really wanted in life... is it too much to ask of God? At my age, the Mom "thing" is probably out of the question... yah, this makes me really sad... and yes, even a bit angry at God! The husband thing... well after 14 years with David (we were never married nor did we live together, for those who are wondering) I've got a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, so to speak, about men. And... can you blame me??? Ok, so I'm learning to adjust to the fact that I'll probably never marry or have kids... but I don't want to spend my life just moving from place to place with no vision or meaning... I just want to serve God- is THAT too much too much to ask of Him too??? Or... is He rejecting me too? I just need to find my place in this world...!!!!

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me

Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?

Show me, I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

Lookin' for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-04-12T07:54:00.004-04:00

FOR TODAY... April 12, 2010

Outside my window... yet another incredibly beautiful day... I can't believe how blue and clear the sky is!!!

I am thinking... about who I'm becoming... A few people have told me lately that they've seen a lot of growth and "blossoming" in me.... I keep wondering who they're talking about... it certainly can't be me! I know God has a plan for my life, and referring to the title of my blog, He is calling me to some sort of ministry. That much is very clear to me. But, I'm listening- at least I think I am... why is it that I'm not hearing!? If He wants to use me, He needs to show me... where to go, who to talk with. Am I missing something?? Is my heart not open to His voice? I suppose that could be... I know my relationship with God has been a bit (more than a bit) on the rocky side lately-- it all goes into the trust thing- (see below)...!!! So, who am I becoming?? As I write this, I'm reminded of Michael W Smith's song, "Place in this World". If I have time, perhaps I'll post the words to this tomorrow- the words sooooooooo fit how I'm feeling right now! Ok, so hey God... a word? ...a hint?...a direction?? Please??

I am thankful for... a wonderful, loving and supportive church family!!! They know who I am, and apparently love me anyway... but I guess that's what family is!! They encourage me to grow, cheering me on every step of the way. They cry with me when I'm hurting. They protect me from things (or people) that might harm me. Thank you God, for leading me to CTK and to my special family there!!

I am wearing... jeans, yellow sweater, barefoot

I am remembering... all I've lost over the last months... years... Yes, this is grief!! I've known that all of my pain... tears... were from my loss, but never (until a recent conversation with Fr Nigel) allowed myself to actually call it grief. I think I felt that, with the exception of Ben, my grief wasn't "real", or justified. Fr Nigel talked about "grieving well"... I so hate the phrase, but I finally understand how he means it. I was not grieving well... in that I was not allowing myself to feel or acknowledge the severity of my loss. Thankfully, (in a way only a skilled "surgeon" can) Fr Nigel helped me move into the reality of grief. What this has meant is A LOT of tears lately... a lot of memories... a lot of anger...! But, apparently- at least according to Fr Nigel, I am finally "grieving well". You know what...??? GRIEF STINKS!!!

I am currently reading... Traveling Light: Releasing the Burdens You Were Never Intended to Bear- by Max Lucado... Pat gave me this book yesterday, and being me, I opened it to the center to start reading-- right to the chapter on grief... hmmm... coincidence??

I am hoping... for HOPE! Just could use a bit of hope in my life right now!

On my mind... lots!! (WARNING: random babble ahead...)... Ok, so on my mind lately beyond all the other stuff, is my ass (pardon my bluntness) ex... yes, DD, David... the VET! I don't know why I should let him still bother me... he's out of my life (well, at least as far as I'm concerned), but after 14 loooooooooonnnnngggg years unfortunately he still claims a spot in my head... I said HEAD... not heart!! Even playing Farmville on Facebook, I hear him in my head telling me what a waste of time it is, but, that I'm doing it all wrong anyway...! I want to say that I'm confident I'll never see him again, (nothing would make me happier!!)- but with him attempting to contact me lately, I just can't be sure of that. Truthfully he scares me- a lot...! Now that I know who he really is, I very much fear running into him again, but especially at CTK. He knows where I can be found each and every Sunday and Tuesday... I don't want another confrontation like we had a few weeks ago. But, to stay away because of him would be wrong too... and would probably make him very happy. (Can't have that!) I remember, when I first started going to CTK, he told me that if anyone there, especially Fr Nigel, found out about us, that he would destroy me. (Oh, if he only knew the people, including Fr Nigel, who know about "us"...!!!) I'm angry at myself for letting this man into my life to begin with- but even angrier for letting him stay in my life. When I think about the last 14 years, I just want to take a shower in bleach!!! Lord, what was I thinking?? Lord, forgive me for being SO stupid!!! I want to move on in my life without him in it- without the fear of seeing, talking to or even thinking of him EVER again! But... how?? How to get past this anger?

Noticing that... I'm SO over-the-top fearing rejection, loss and pain lately- that I'm finding myself, at even the slightest hint of any of it, rejecting before I've been rejected and building walls before I might be hurt. I know this isn't healthy, and yes, I know the real or perceived thing (I hate that phrase-- perceived can hurt just as much as real)- but I've been hurt SO much, dealt with SO many losses in my life (you wouldn't believe me if I told you!)... do you blame me for being a bit cautious... defensive... un-trusting...??? Someone recently offered to pray for me to learn to trust again-- but I told them not to. Truthfully, I just don't want to trust again... trust leads to hurt!!! No more hurt, please!!!?? So, the question is now... how to get past all of this. I SO hate hurting people I really care about, by building walls or rejecting them time and time again-- but... but.... but...?!!

Pondering these words... "Grief is a journey, not a destination."

From the kitchen... made a HUGE batch (mostly to share) of my aunt's recipe for "Special Tea" recently. This great stuff consists of: powdered tea (decaf- because, well, I'm me), tang, sugar and cinnamon. My aunt used to make this mixture every year for everyone for Christmas- it was one of the gifts I looked forward to the most... although I have no idea why I couldn't have made it myself in between. When she died I carried on the legacy and her memory... but stopped making it for many years. Recently began remembering how great it was (IS!!!), and the happy memories of drinking mug after mug of it with family and friends. Sharing it with friends again makes me smile thinking of my aunt's legacy and memory being passed along once again!! Hmmmmm.... I think it's time for a cup of tea!!!!

Around the house... continuous cleaning... who'd have thought I'd turn into a "Felix Unger" type!!?? Diane (my bff of 28 years!) tells me that she always knew I had it in me... guess it took a major life crisis for it to come out? :-(

One of my favorite things... during the stomach bug from hell last week, I discovered White Cranberry & Peach juice... mmmmmmmmm, this is good stuff!!

Sorry for the long post... guess that's what I get for not writing for a month, huh? :-)

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-03-08T09:06:00.006-05:00

For today... March 8, 2010

Outside my window... another beautiful day!! It's supposed to hit 50 degrees today- can't wait to open some windows and enjoy the fresh air!!

I am thinking... nope- don't want to think or feel or love or trust- hurts too much!

I am wearing... still in my jammies- lazy day, but not for long

I am remembering... trying not to remember- it still hurts too much!

I am hoping... to never again have to see my ex!! He and I had an unpleasant encounter last week- kinda ruined my whole week and has still left me in a very dark place. Can do without that darkness in my life!

On my mind... someone said to me recently that homemade gifts and cards are in poor taste. I had to disagree. Personally I think that they show the heart of the giver for the person receiving the gift. I think I'd rather give and receive a homemade gift than any other. Thoughts??

Noticing that... I haven't been able to pray for myself lately. No problem praying for others- but I think I'm afraid to tell God my needs, although I know He already knows them. Realizing that my relationship with God needs some healing... a lot of "WHY??", and little trusting.

Pondering these words... "get over it".... yes, someone said that to me recently in regards to everything that has happened lately. I wish it were that easy!!!

From the kitchen... a cake- a big cake...!!!

Around the house... a "warmish" week ahead- lots of open windows and spring cleaning!!!!

One of my favorite things... horse kisses! Yes, seriously.... was at CTK yesterday visiting with the horses and to my surprise, one of the horses (a VERY large one) just started nuzzling my face and laying his head up against mine. It was SO sweet!!!! This may have made my week- maybe year!! :-)

**to join in the fun and read other daybooks, you can go here! :-)

Wordless Wednesday- My Baby Liebe

2010-03-03T20:27:00.004-05:00

Does it ever get easier?

2010-03-02T19:12:00.002-05:00

Does the pain ever get easier?

In the midst of the wonderful celebration of Fr Nigel's first healing service since his H1N1 nightmare began (235 people- such love!)- I had a painful, glaring reminder of all my loss over the last months.

Ben, my babies, my home... life as I knew it.

Does the pain EVER get easier?

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-03-01T10:47:00.005-05:00

FOR TODAY... March 1, 2010

Outside my window... slightly overcast, but getting warmer- spring may actually be on the way!

I am thinking... about a friend (a priest) whose church is about to close, due to lack of funds and lack of members. I find this incredibly sad! My heart absolutely broke- for him, for his congregation AND for the WHOLE body of Christ, when he told me the other day. I think this makes a sad statement about our world. I will be praying for this church, that God can somehow turn the situation around in time.

I am thankful for... Fr. Nigel's return to work today after five VERY, VERY long months! Did you know that statistics show that one in three people who enter ICU with H1N1, will not make it out? Thank you God for the miraculous healing of our dear friend!! Tomorrow will be his first healing service since this horrible scenario... expecting A LOT of people tomorrow! It will be a VERY special day... what a celebration!!! Wonder if Bishop Bill will allow us to say the "A" word... (you know, the one we can't say during Lent!)??

I am wearing... jeans, green sweater, white turtleneck, barefoot

I am remembering... more than I want to... more than I am ready to (ugh, didn't I say that last week too?)!!!

I am currently reading... more blogs- do you have one you'd like to tell me about? Would love to stop by for a visit!! :-)

I am hoping... see below... really need to find a way to begin healing from this stuff!

On my mind... the usual... until I can put a voice to this stuff, I can't begin to heal- and no idea how to begin putting a voice to the stuff!?? UGH!!!

Noticing that... my oven doesn't seem to be working all that well... 1 hr to cook a batch of brownies that should take 25 minutes, might be my clue!

Pondering these words... "All that has LIFE AND BREATH come now with Praises before Him!"... hoping we'll be singing this at the healing service tomorrow. Ahhh, Mark?

From the kitchen... freshly baked brownies- from scratch... still in the oven and OH MY, they smell good! You can check out the recipe here.

Around the house... with my friend Jan coming to visit tomorrow, I have some serious cleaning to do! The place looks good in general, but needs a good mopping, vacuuming and dusting.

One of my favorite things... a hint of spring in the air!

To join in the fun and read other Daybooks, check out this great website~ http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Thursday Thirteen

2010-02-25T09:23:00.004-05:00

Blog surfing again.... came across a great meme (kinda a weekly blog "game" or participatory writing activity) and thought I'd try it out... soooooooooo..... thus begins my first THURSDAY THIRTEEN!

For my "thirteen things"- I thought I'd list...

The Thirteen Things I Love Most About My Church

1- Eucharist!! It's absolutely my favorite part of the service. For those who haven't been reading this since 2007, you can go here to read my post about the significance of the Eucharist in my life.

2- The Gospel readings!! They never fail to inspire me. Often I will go home and look them up in BibleGateway to read the different Bible versions of them.

3- The great homilies! My priests are truly gifted at taking the appointed readings from the day, and opening them up into wonderful life lessons!!

4- My wonderful priests! I'm blessed with the two most wonderful priests on the face of the Earth! I consider them both wonderful friends and mentors, and thank God each and every day for their presence in my life!

5- My wonderful church family! We're a small group- but we're a faith-filled and very close group! Love these people a lot!!

6- The location of the church! We're part of a larger Christian retreat center, set on nearly 700 acres of absolute beauty... included in that, is a 36 acre lake, overnight lodging for 75, a "summer" camp- used year-round, a huge dining room- with GREAT meals, two beautiful chapels, a HUGE theological library, an incredible healing ministry, and a convent with 6 Anglican nuns! The presence of God is SO evident in this place!!!

7- The close proximity to my home! Yah, I'm all of a mile away from this great place-- yah, I'm blessed!!

8- Coffee hour! Yes, I know that seems shallow and lame- but isn't Christian fellowship as important as worshiping God? We take turns providing the snacks, and usually I leave not having to have lunch! :-) We have some really good cooks in our midst!

9- The music ministry! We are blessed with a fantastic music ministry at CTK! Somewhere I heard the quote, "When you sing, you pray twice"... (or something like that)!!

10- The strong emphasis on HEALING MINISTRY! CTK is truly blessed with a very active healing ministry... from weekly healing services, to retreats on healing, to the opportunity to learn more about the healing ministry through Christian Healing Ministries, "School of Healing Prayer" classes. At any given moment you're likely to see folks laying hands on, and praying for someone in need.

11- A wonderful, strong, moral, and faith-filled Bishop!! Everyone loves Bishop Bill!!!

12- The peaceful feeling that fills the grounds of CTK- but most specifically in the Oratory of Christ the Healer (the chapel where our services are held)!! This is hard one to explain- but you walk into this building, and just are surrounded by the "peace that passes understanding".

13- The sounds of people praying and worshiping God!! There can't be anything more wonderful than this sound in the whole world!!

To read other "Thursday Thirteen" blogs, and to join in the fun, you can go here!

Random Thoughts... Comments Appreciated!

2010-02-24T15:46:00.003-05:00

Have you ever lost touch with someone that you considered a dear friend? Several months (shorter or longer), then regained contact with them, only to find that you'd both changed SO much, and had been through so much over those months, that you hardly knew each other? Or- did you see the changes in each other, and somehow fear trying to re-build, or even attempt the friendship again? How did you handle this? Did you attempt to re-build the friendship? Did you just choose to move on? Or were you able to pick things up, as were before, in spite of the changes to each of you? How did you handle the feelings that went with all of this?

Just random thoughts that are going through my head today... comments here would be VERY appreciated!!!

Let it Snow!!!

2010-02-23T13:41:00.002-05:00

I know I'm taking the risk of getting plummeted by a thousand snowballs here, but I just need to say how excited I am about the multiple days of snow that appear to be ahead of us here in upstate NY. :::::ducking to avoid incoming snowballs:::: In yesterdays post, "Simple Woman's Daybook", I mentioned that I was hoping for a big snow storm this week... well, apparently I'm getting my wish.

As I write, the beginning of what is forcasted to be multiple days of snow, is just beginning. The National Weather Service is telling us that for this storm alone, we should expect anywhere between 11 to 19 inches of the beautiful :::::ducking again:::: white stuff. The only thing that worries me is that it's expected to be of the heavy variety, which could mean power outages-- not so much fun...!!!! But, barring that- and that wont happen... I don't have to go out, we have a ton of food in the apartment- (thanks to my wonderful church family), the cute guy next door will shovel the steps for us (Thanks Brian!!!), and as long as the people I care about (you know who you are!) are in, and safe, and warm- then LET IT SNOW!!

I know I'm in the minority here, but I absolutely love big snow storms! There is something so comforting about sitting by the window (as I'm doing now) and watching this blanket of soft fluff fall to the ground. It's almost like God is telling us that He wants us to slooooooowwwww down for a bit, and reflect on the simple things in life- like family... the beauty around us... making snow angels or building big snowmen... fixing a big meal because the roads are too messy to go get take-out... quiet conversations with people we care about... sitting quietly and reading a good book... yah, I could go on...!!!!...but you get it!!! Our world these days is so busy- so fast-paced... we need a reminder now and then to take a breath :::::breathe in.... breathe out::::: and JUST BE!!!!

The local weather guys are telling us that the storm today/tonight will be the SMALL storm of the week... LOL... and that Thursday to expect something BIG-- and this ISN'T big? So... my plans for the next several days will include a lot of reading (just borrowed a great book from my roommate-"When Angry Hearts Forgive: Opening the Floodgates of Glory with the Power of Forgiveness" by Robert Warren), making a big batch of brownies- the REAL kind- you know the kind with flour, sugar, chocolate..., some serious time praying and LISTENING to my wonderful God and lots and lots of time just looking out the window at the beauty of the world around me- and thanking God for his majesty and LOVE!!

Thank you God, for the BEAUTY of this storm, for keeping everyone safe and warm during it's duration, and for the important reminder to all of us to SLOOOOOOOWWWWW down and breathe!!!!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-02-22T11:04:00.004-05:00

FOR TODAY... February 22, 2010

Outside my window... another beautiful February day. We've been so blessed with such great weather this winter. Supposedly we have some sort of snow/rain type event coming tomorrow, but I'll believe it when I see it! :-)

I am thinking... that I really need to spend more time reading my Bible. I've gotten away from that over the last few weeks, and can feel it in my heart.

I am thankful for... my wonderful church family!! Yesterday, after church, as a complete surprise, they presented my roommate and I with a "congrats on your new home" card- along with baskets-boxes-bags of groceries (and a wonderful gift card)- everything from pasta/sauce to juices. One friend, even thought of the most important food group- CHOCOLATE, and remembered my sweet little Liebe, with food for her!!! We were absolutely overwhelmed- and are SO appreciative of not only their thoughtfulness, but their LOVE!! Thank you God for my church family!!!

I am wearing... jeans, white sweater, barefoot

I am remembering... my fur babies that I lost because of the foreclosure... I cant even begin to put into words how much this still hurts. No idea how to begin to heal from this!!! Suggestions?

I am going... no where this week-- I love weeks like that!!

I am currently reading... blogs... I love blog-surfing- especially Christian blogs!!! I love reading others thoughts and ideas-- and really love collecting great tried and true recipes too!!

I am hoping... for a big snow storm this week!!

On my mind... a lot... about a lot of STUFF... words for this stuff??-- nah!!! Just more of stuffing the stuff back in and further down!! I'm thinking it's not going to be pretty when it comes back to the surface some day!

Noticing that... God has been speaking to me a lot about forgiveness and letting go lately. From a random "message from God" (it's an application) on Facebook reminding me that I need to begin letting go and start trying to forgive myself for a bunch of stuff, to suddenly finding the blog of a friend and coming face to face with his post about forgiveness- reminding me to lay my hurt and unforgiveness at the foot of the cross and to turn away from it... yah, so I guess I'm starting to get the message!! But-- (didn't you know there was a BUT coming??!...)- while forgiveness is the law for Christians, and something that we're clearly required to do, it's also REALLY hard!! In the issues with my father, I'm realizing that I need to keep forgiving him- day after day after day. Yah, he's been gone for over 25 years now- but as memories of the various forms of abuse creep back in- and the way they effect my life, I churn with anger inside!!! I know I need to give this stuff to God each and every day- some days that's easier said than done. The issues of the last few months have created a lot of anger at myself-- I kick myself constantly for not being more intelligent, for the poor choices I'd made... etc. I think forgiving myself is harder than anything- not really even sure how to do it. I keep hearing people say to "let it go"... truthfully, I'm not really even sure HOW to do that! Comments here would be VERY appreciated!!

Pondering these words... "turn away from it"- yah, I know I have to (thanks Dcn Frank!! )

From the kitchen... not sure yet- any suggestions? BTW- the chicken pot pie that I made last week (recipe link in last weeks daybook) turned out really well- it was SO good! I will absolutely be making this again!!! Just made myself a big yummy tuna sandwich- made the way I make it with cream cheese and Italian salad dressing... don't say "ewww gross" until you try it!! :-)

Around the house... I think I might actually be able to see light at the end of the unpacking tunnel. We spent several hours working at it and, lo and behold we really do have a floor!!! Today the goal is to vacuum/mop said floor, and scrub down the kitchen and bathroom. It's amazing how a hit of a possible visit from an "important" friend can serve as such motivation!

One of my favorite things... hugs!!

**to join in the fun, and read other daybooks, check out this great blog...!

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2010-02-20T01:25:00.003-05:00

My little hero Ben has been on my heart a lot lately. I know I haven't written much about him since his death. I think I'm still in shock over it, quite honestly. It's been just over four months since he's been gone- but it still feels like it was yesterday that I got the call from my friend telling me of his passing. It's just that there is something VERY wrong with going to the funeral of a nine year old child.

Let me tell you a little bit about Ben... I knew Ben and his twin brother James from church. I was incredibly blessed to be their church school teacher for the fall sessions of their kindergarten and first grade years. I had so much fun with these kids- they were so smart and really kept me on my toes with their questions and desire to learn about God. Ben in particular was very "deep", if you know what I mean. He seemed much older than his years. On the first day of church school in their first grade year, I gave the kids the project of some "fill in the blank" type sentences... things like, "my name is...", "my favorite thing about church is..."-- you get the idea. One of the fill in the blanks was, "I am special because...". I will never forget Ben's answer to that question-- he wrote that he was special because he was STRONG. Truer words have never been spoken... a week later, Ben received the diagnosis of Stage 2 Osteosarcoma (bone cancer) in the upper right arm. So began a VERY long three years. To read the details of Ben's journey, you can look at his website http://www.greendrakkoman.com/. Over those years, Ben became an inspiration and true hero to each and every person he met, whether in person or through his website. His motto was, "Remember- Focus on the Positive!". The way he chose to live his life dealing with that awful monster, or as he referred to it, the "evil alien"- was something that will be with me forever. He taught everyone around him lessons in positive thinking, in finding joy in every little thing, in loving with your whole heart, in making the most out of each and every day... the list goes on. Ben's wake and funeral drew over 1000-- yes, you read that correctly, ONE THOUSAND, people!!! At the funeral, Ben's uncle stood and mentioned the quote, "it takes a village to raise a child"... but then quickly corrected it by saying that in Ben's case, "it took a CHILD to raise a village". After that, one by one, people stood up sharing about how Ben had touched their lives. Rumor has it that there were even two Red Sox players at the funeral... Ben's touch was far-reaching. Ben's touch continues today. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my little hero... there are days that I shed some tears at the loss of this special little guy- but mostly I rejoice that he is up in Heaven, probably playing a great game of baseball with Jesus (wearing his Red Sox cap, of course!) and no longer in any pain!!! I also rejoice that I can say I knew Ben, and thank God for the things he taught me- lessons in life that I will hold on to forever! I miss you SO much Ben!!

The song I picked for today's "Then Sings My Soul Saturday", is a song that we sang at Ben's funeral (do you have any idea how hard it is to sing while watching a small casket being moved to the front of the church?)... Anyway- Ben knew that Jesus loved him... there was NO question about that... and Ben loved Jesus- what a wonderful reunion they must have had!!!

Just a brief request, as you're reading this and listening to this song... please say a prayer for Ben's parents, Stacy and Tim, and especially his twin brother James. I can't even begin to imagine their grief... but God promises us that He will "comfort those who mourn."

Thankful Thursday

2010-02-18T16:02:00.003-05:00

Yah, ok so it's been a down in the dumps kinda week... not sure why, maybe just my grief/loss catching up with me. But there is one really big thing I am thankful for-- well, have been thankful for... that is the wonderful, amazing, miraculous healing of my dear friend and priest, Fr Nigel from H1-N1. It is only by the grace of God and the prayers of the people, that he is still with us. I know I've told his story here before, but there is not a day that goes by that I don't praise God for the true MIRACLE of his healing!! Below is a letter to the editor that Fr Nigel has sent to area newspapers telling of his healing, and thanking those involved. It's a wonderful reminder of the good in our world, and more importantly a reminder that God is STILL in the business of healing!

Dear Editor,

I have just gone through a life threatening disease; H1N1, which hit me out of the blue. I was very fit until October of last year. I was in Saratoga Springs Hospital ICU and Sunnyview rehab in Schenectady, for a total of three months. For the first three weeks in a coma. I felt moved to write to thank the medical staff of Saratoga Hospital and the pulmonary doctors of Saratoga for saving my life. A huge thank you to Dr's. Ares, Ying, and Del Giacco. I would like to thank the Sunnyview rehab staff and especially thank the Greenwich Family Medical facility, Dr. Austin Tsai and Dr. Colleen Quinn for their devotion, kindness and compassion. The nurses in ICU and all nurses we have been in contact with in all of the medical facilities, and visiting nurses of Washington County have just been amazing. As horrible as the physical effects of being so ill is, the people that surrounded me have been totally fantastic. I have seen another side of human nature being very kind and considerate, it has refreshed my very soul. So often news is rather negative I just wanted to write something positive to thank all those who saved my life and to remind people that it is good to be alive! I really want to say publicly, thank you to all those who prayed for me and all those involved in my healing.

Yours sincerely, The Rev. Nigel Mumford

For all cat lovers...

2010-02-16T13:49:00.002-05:00

I saw this video online several months ago and it made me laugh so much I fell over. I found it again today and decided to post it here. It's a light spot in the midst of some of my grief. If you're a cat lover, you'll definitely relate to this!! Get ready to laugh until you cry!!!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-02-15T16:03:00.006-05:00

FOR TODAY... February 15, 2010

Outside my window... beautiful sunny day- a few flurries, but otherwise really nice

I am thinking... that I could really use a hug right now... uhhh, didn't I say that last week too?

I am thankful for... the great hugs I got from Deacon Frank and Fr Jim at the Prayer and Praise Revival service on Friday night-- somehow they both seem to know when I'm having a tough time- which lately seems to be all the time. They're both such wonderful brother type figures in my life- I'm blessed to know them!!!

I am wearing... jeans, white turtleneck

I am remembering... more than I want to- more than I am ready to

I am going... to an Ash Wednesday service on, well, Wednesday and an Induction Service (the formal welcome of a priest by the bishop- in this case Fr Jim, to a new parish) at St Luke's in Cambridge on Sunday... other than that a pretty quiet week. (Still skipping the Tuesday healing service... and no, I still haven't figured out what's up with that!)

I am currently reading... Overcome By the Spirit by Francis MacNutt- a book about "resting in the spirit"- great information on this interesting and controversial topic--maybe I need to rest in the spirit for a bit... perhaps that might give me some answers to the nagging questions in my heart lately.

I am hoping... to talk with Fr Nigel about some "stuff" (see all of the above)- perhaps a "stump the priest" type session-- soon- really SOON!!!

On my mind... the need for security and stability... hate this feeling- sometimes it actually makes me feel nauseous!!!!!

Noticing that... I've gotten to the place in my grief that I am just unable to even talk about my pain- this scares me a lot. I just keep internalizing it, which I know isn't healthy. A friend from the Friday night revival has tried to get me to talk about my pain- or even to allow myself to cry, but I am just afraid to let it go- and as I said, there are just no words right now. I know I mentioned this last week, and really haven't gotten anywhere with it. Not sure where to begin, or even how to begin. Suggestions??

Pondering these words... "Sometimes in life... even God does a double-take!"

From the kitchen... this recipe for Chicken Pot Pie, taco salad, meatloaf, and gingerbread muffins.

Around the house... getting some serious unpacking done today-- hooray!!!

One of my favorite things... friendly bloggy friends, friendly friends who read my messed up words, about my messed up life and keep coming back to encourage and support. Thanks for loving me in spite of myself! :-)

**to join in the fun, and read other DayBooks, check out this great site: http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-02-08T07:25:00.005-05:00

FOR TODAY... February 8, 2010

Outside my window... slightly over-cast- forecast of some flurries today

I am thinking... that I could really use a hug right now.

I am thankful for... God's gift of healing.

I am wearing... my jammies, wrapped in a big flannel blanket

I am remembering... all that I've lost over the last few months.

I am going... not far this week. Skipping the healing service tomorrow (just needing a break from those right now- no idea what's up with that... I'll let you know when I do).

I am currently reading... the Bible- needing to hold on to the Promises of God lately.

I am hoping... for a BIG snowstorm at least once this winter. We've had a few mini storms so far, but nothing huge. I just like how the big storms make everyone and everything move at a slower pace.

On my mind... lots of stuff that I can't even begin to put words to. Not being able to talk with anyone about my loss has been hard, and is starting to eat away at me. Now I'm at the point where the pain has no words... just lots of tears, that I fight back because I think I should be strong. I know that's not true, but part of me is afraid that if I start to cry, I just wont stop. Used to be able to talk with Fr Nigel about all this kind of stuff, but he's been a little (a lot) out of commission lately, and even when he's back to work (hopefully March 1st) my guess is that his schedule will either be fully booked or very part-time... probably both. In the meantime, I just take things one moment at a time, and try realllllllllly hard to trust God in all of this.

Noticing that... I think I'm in a "funk" lately... not sure what's up with that, but I don't like it in the least!

Pondering these words... mreoooowwww, meeeooooowwww, mrrrrreeeeooooowwwwww! ~~Don't you ever wonder what kitties are saying when they get in your face and start talking and talking and talking!???

From the kitchen... nothing special this week.

Around the house... would you believe that we're still climbing over boxes and still cant find anything. My goal today is to, at the very least, move the furniture to it's proper locations. The boxes are all my roomies stuff... not much I can do about that. My room, however is put away and uncluttered... yes, I've turned into a neat-nick! ACK!!!

One of my favorite things... sun tea-- in the middle of winter. I make this the way my aunt used to, with lemonade. Not only does it taste really great, but it has such wonderful childhood memories that go along with it.

**to read other day books and take part in the fun... go visit this wonderful site... http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Then Sings My Soul Saturday- The Warrior is a Child

2010-02-06T13:34:00.002-05:00

I had decided this morning, to use this song for my post today.... thinking of the song kind of going along with the events of my life lately. But when I found the song with this video, it took on a whole new meaning. Soon I found myself wiping away tears... my guess is that you will too. God bless our troops... please keep them in your prayers!!

Thankful Thursday

2010-02-04T13:21:00.002-05:00

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;

his love endures forever.

1 Chronicles 16:34

There have been so many changes in my life over the last few months. My guess is that there are more to come. What I'm really craving right now is stability and security. I think I'm almost there with that. I love my new "home", and am working hard at finding a job. Yes, there have been obstacles, and they continue. (Yes, I've been dealing with more stress than I thought was possible, and unfortunately that is beginning to effect my health... yah, that worries me.... Yes, my roommates constant negativity and anger issues often make me feel like I'm drowning!) BUT- I realize each and every day how blessed I am. Some days, (like today, when things are less than "bright") I need to push myself to look at my many, many, many blessings... Really glad today is THANKFUL THURSDAY!

Thank you God for...

*the chance to start over in life... not many people get that chance-- I know how very blessed I am!

*my new home in a wonderful little village... we often call it "Mayberry"... seriously population 1,820! I love it here!! Also love the fact that there are no nosey neighbors... they guy in the other apartment couldn't be nicer- really blessed to have him so close!

*my incredibly wonderful church family and priests... what an incredible group of people- I feel so blessed to call them my "family"!! (The other day, my roommate had to have her van towed to the local garage... everybody in town uses "Charlies"... as we were waiting for the van to be unhooked- all of a sudden one of my priests, Fr Joe, appeared. He said he was driving by on his way home and saw us there... he was just stopping to make sure everything was ok. Wow!!!)

*my sweet little kitty Liebe... when I had to give up all my other babies after loosing my home, I was just unable to catch this one little girl. My roommate and I went back to the house late one evening for one more try. Thankfully we got her. But, as we drove her to my former veterinarian's office for a new home, we found that they were closed. Liebe came home with us and has made herself at home... lock, stock and food bowl! She is one of many reminders to me of how much God loves me... yes, I know I've said this before... Liebe is a German word-- it means LOVE!!

*the chance to focus on my relationship with God... and not a man. Someone left a comment recently (Charla, was that you?), asking about my relationship with DD- aka David. On the day "from hell", David told me that he never wanted to see me, or hear from me ever again... he told me that if I ever saw him in public to pretend that I didn't know him, and that he didn't know me. Yes, that hurt A LOT!!! It was like he was rubbing salt into the very open wound. BUT... as the months have progressed, and the healing has begun, I have realized that the 14 years I spent with him were 14 years of abuse... emotional, spiritual and sexual. I know I have a lot of healing to do from this, and I know that will happen in God's incredible timing. What I'm most thankful for, though, is the chance to grow in my relationship with God... no distractions, no hurt... JUST ME AND GOD!! The time that I used to spend with David- and stressing over my relationship with him, I now spend in prayer, in reading my Bible and in silence with the true "love of my life".

... continuing on a much lighter note... I'm also thankful for...

*sun tea (the way my aunt used to make it, with lemonade... great memories!)

*warm sunspots on the floor, perfect for adorable kitties

*cheesecake!

*flannel sheets

*text messaging :-)

*quite days alone, to catch up on life, be with God... just BE!

*loooooooonnnnnggggg HOT baths!

*Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls.... yes I still have one, and yes, it still works... don't know why, but that was one of the things I grabbed from the house when I left... it makes me laugh and smile!

*birthday cakes! (Thanks Pat!!)

Count your blessings-

name them one by one....

Count your many blessings-

see what God has done!

Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-02-01T11:16:00.005-05:00

FOR TODAY... February 1, 2010

Outside my window... a beautiful February day- bright and sunny, hardly a cloud in the sky

I am thinking... how blessed I am to be living in this tiny little village- so close to my church and church family- thank you God for my new home!

I am thankful for... the chance to start over in life.

I am wearing... my jammies, big oversized slippers.... just nice and comfy

I am remembering... my furbabies that I had to give up due to the foreclosure. That hurt SO much... still does. Praying that this pain will heal soon!!

I am going... nowhere today-- love days like that!!

I am currently reading... "The Sword of the Spirit~The Word of God A Handbook for Praying God's Word" by Joy Lamb

I am hoping... for a quiet birthday tomorrow. Would love to spend some time with a few friends from church, but realize that's not likely. I think just spending the day baking for some friends will make me happy... and maybe a visit to the Ice cream Man at some point?

On my mind... the reality of the foreclosure taking place today. I know God has given me a wonderful blessed chance to start over, but it's hard knowing all that I left behind and cant get back. But, I also know that life isn't about "things"- God has made that VERY clear to me over the past few months and in a lot of ways it's very freeing to be free of "stuff"... guess it's just the memories that are hard to let go of... does that make sense? Yes, lots of healing to do in all of this, but God has gotten me this far and will provide the healing in His way and time.

Noticing that... the older I get, the more my bones creek and my muscles squeak and my back yells, "I don't think so!" ... LOL... Will be 45 tomorrow- that's half way to 90... yikes!!!!

Pondering these words... "Remember... Focus on the Positive"..(thanks Ben- we miss you!!!... Yah, so it does take a child to raise a village.)

From the kitchen... lots of leftovers from this weekend, but will be making this, and this and this for some friends... that is, when I find the kitchen- I know it's here somewhere under all these boxes!! :-)

Around the house... unpacking, unpacking and MORE unpacking

One of my favorite things... a sweetly sleeping kitty, right in a nice warm sunspot- she looks so peaceful! (Thank you God, for the gift of little Liebe!)

**to join in the fun, and look at other daybooks, go to http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/**

Friday's Fave Five

2010-01-22T12:54:00.008-05:00

Almost back to normal blogging again... And it's Friday... that means, yes, it's Friday's Fave Five again!!!

It's been a pretty average week, as far as life these days goes... more moving (no, we're STILL not out of the other place yet- God help us, we only have a week left to move the rest of the stuff and get the place cleaned out... LOL... yes, I'm laughing- it's so much easier than crying! LOL), more of trying to adjust to the "new normal" in life, and more of trying to heal from the last few months. BUT- as always, God is in charge and I just take things one moment at a time, trusting HIM to direct my path, thoughts and words.

In spite of an average week, there are a few things that jumped out at me as being special, aka worth writing about. So..... without further adu, FRIDAY'S FAVE FIVE!!...

1. Last night I made my favorite Macaroni and Cheese recipe. I found this recipe years ago, and it quickly became my favorite. Isn't mac and cheese the ultimate comfort food.... after mashed potatoes, that is?

2. A weekly (most of the time) event that I've been attending is the newly created Friday evening Revival Praise and Worship events that are going on in the diocese. I love the chance to visit with my friends, to praise God in word and song and to spend time with my wonderful Lord and Savior!! Tonight the Revival is a bit out of town, but a bunch of us from the area are carpooling, so it should be a really fun evening!! (If you're in the Capital region of New York State, please come join us!!)

3. Once again, I need to thank God for the incredible healing of my dear friend and priest, Fr Nigel. Back in October, he contracted that DAMN (yes, I can say that) H1-N1. We are now hearing how VERY close we came to loosing him. He shared with us recently, that on October 10th, he collapsed and stopped breathing- that news in itself took MY breath away. He was rushed to the hospital, where he spent the better part of two months mostly in ICU, and mostly on a ventilator. Somewhere around October 16th, the doctors told his wife that there was nothing more they could do for him. That was where the thousands of his prayer warriors stepped into action. I vividly remember that night falling to my knees and screaming at God to save my dear friend. I cried, begged- pleaded for his life to be spared. In talking with others, I have found that I was not alone in my actions that night. This man is SO deeply loved by SO many people all over the world!! Anyway... fast forward to today....!!! Fr Nigel is home, doing VERY well in his recovery. He's not back to work yet, but has been visiting us on occasion. (It's been SO good to see him- gosh I've missed him!) Hopefully, he'll be back to work, at least part time, by the end of February. (Or so that's what I'm hearing.) Not a day goes by that I don't praise God for his incredible healing!! Fr Nigel himself has said, that he knows that he is still here because of the prayers of the people. God has heard our cries for mercy and has healed our friend! He is walking, talking and BREATHING proof that God DOES indeed heal today! Thank you God, thank you Jesus, thank you Holy Spirit, thank you Holy Trinity!!

4. I was in a "next to new" store the other day and bought a CD by The Priests. I'd never heard of them before, but liked the titles of the songs on the CD. Oh.... my.... gosh.... this CD is fantastic. The voices of these men are beautiful and totally touch my soul. Needless to say, this is my new favorite CD- I've been blasting it constantly (over the secular music downstairs in the bar LOL) in the apartment. Talk about "market place evangelism"! LOL But seriously, check these guys out (well, you know what I mean)- you won't be disappointed!

5. We've had exceptionally beautiful weather here this last week. Yes, a few days with some snow, but even then it was a warm (for this time of year) day. I went for a long walk around the village the other evening, and almost felt like it was spring! Today, the sun is shining brightly... little Liebe has found a wonderful "sun spot" on my bed and is sleeping sweetly and soundly... even kitties are loving this weather! Thank you God for sunshine and warmth!!

Yes.... it's been a good week! I'm SO blessed!!

**To read more "Friday's Fave Fives" and to participate yourself check out this website.

Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-01-04T19:24:00.007-05:00

FOR TODAY... January 4, 2010

Outside my window... dark and snow covered, cold-- soooo cold- praying for an EARLY (like next week) spring!

I am thinking... how good it feels to be back doing the daybook again... it's been too long.

I am thankful for... cold wine coolers, that take the edge off a long, long, long day

I am wearing... jeans, brown/tan/black/green sweater

I am remembering... my wonderful Mom, who went to Heaven seven years ago next week- gosh, it still hurts soooooo much-- does it ever get easier?

I am going... to bed- VERY soon!

I am currently reading... Psalm 91 Handbook

I am hoping... (and praying) for Fr Nigel's return to work VERY soon... (soon, right Sandra- SOON?) after almost three months of being out sick with that DAMN H1-N1 which turned into pneumonia and put the poor guy on a ventilator (in a medically induced coma) for 40... yes forty days!!!! Gosh, I miss him!

On my mind... see above

Noticing that... God has been teaching me about patience lately- I don't like patience... I don't have the patience for patience!!!

Pondering these words... "When your out-put exceeds your in-put, then your up-keep will be your down-fall" (by British evangelist J John)

From the kitchen... cinnamon rolls and molasses cookies- requested for the reception after an ordination this weekend (Congratulations (soon to be) Fr Scott!!)

Around the house... packing, packing and more packing

One of my favorite things~ wine coolers :-)

***to take part in the fun go to this wonderful site***

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Lesson from a Crocheted Scarf...

2010-01-01T08:35:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to avoid doing anything remotely productive yesterday morning, I sat on the sofa wrapped in a snuggly comforter, a large mug of hot chocolate on the end-table, and kitty Liebe sitting dutifully by my side, happy to help tangle my yarn at any given moment. Several weeks ago I began an attempt at a crocheted scarf for myself, but with moving and all, just really hadn't had time to work on it much. Trying to avoid packing, laundry and doing dishes, was the perfect excuse to pick the project up again.

As I was working on the scarf, I realized pretty quickly that I was not likely going to have enough yarn to make anything close to functional ie- it would have been VERY short. I also realized that it seemed very wide- what was I thinking when I first started it.... hmmm!! I knew that if I started over, making it a bit less wide, I'd be able to make a scarf that was functional and beautiful. So, I began the "painful" process of unraveling what I'd begun... tearing it apart.

This is where God spoke to me. He showed me that my life was similar to that scarf. What I'd begun just wasn't working out so well and He needed to help me start over. So, similar to the tearing apart of the scarf, He needed to, in essence, tear apart my life to make it functional and beautiful. The last few months have been horribly painful, and I know that the pain is not likely over. I haven't even begun to deal with my grief/loss yet, and I know that will be a time filled with many tears. But I also know that God wants to re-make me. He will provide the healing, the right people to support me, and the direction that He wants me to head. God knows the "big picture" here. I am (most of the time) content with knowing that He can see what I am not able to. So, if He feels that perhaps some "tearing apart" is necessary to make something more beautiful and functional, then I'm ok with that.

I was able to complete the "tearing apart" and "re-making" of my scarf yesterday. It did turn our beautiful-- just like my life will. Every time I look at the scarf, I will be reminded of God's love for me- that He loves me SO much, that He knew I had to be "torn apart" to be made new. Thank you God!!

Happy New Year, everyone!! 2010 looks to be the BEST year ever!!

Christmas message from CANA Bishop Martyn Minns

2009-12-24T12:01:00.004-05:00

Just doing some surfing, and came across this wonderful Christmas message from CANA (Convocation of Anglicans in North America) Bishop Martyn Minns. I love it's message, and thought it was worth posting here today... Happy Birthday, Jesus!!!!

Jesus Is Closer Than Ever!

Another poor baby has arrived. He’s homeless. He’s clothed in rags. His mother is unmarried. His people are treated as refugees in their own land. That’s how the First Advent happened.

Well, you don’t need me to tell you that some things haven’t changed that much and the state of the global village is decidedly mixed. Perhaps you now find yourself unemployed or rocked by a foreclosure or facing some overwhelming challenge. In the midst of these problems we may feel that Jesus is so far away. But it’s precisely during these times of turmoil that Jesus is closer than ever.

Jesus’ teaching about the Final Judgment (Matthew 25:31–46) makes the point that the God who became flesh and dwelt among us has never really left us. Jesus foretold that at the Second Advent he will say to the faithful: “I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.”

For those of us in the depths of despair, Jesus’ words remind us that he so identifies with our problems that he says he is the one who is hungry; he is the one who is thirsty; he is the one who feels like a stranger. We don’t face our problems alone. Jesus suffers when we’re suffering. Jesus is closer than ever.

Jesus’ words also are a clarion call to the church during these days. With longer lines of people at food pantries, with homeless shelters accommodating more and more “middle-class” families, with more people knocking on our church doors for help, the opportunities to feed the hungry and shelter the homeless are not hard to find. Jesus is closer than ever.Your church may feel that the numbers of people needing help are overwhelming, and that your members have so few resources of their own. But we recall the time that Jesus took two fish and five loaves of bread, all that the disciples had to offer, and fed a crowd of more than 5,000 hungry people. They didn’t think they had enough but Jesus took what they offered and blessed a multitude. Jesus is still at work.

I heard about him showing up at a federal penitentiary in Kentucky where CANA Chaplain John Hallock has led many Muslim inmates to Christ this year. Jesus is also at work in Garland, Texas, where Christ the Redeemer Church has initiated a multi-faceted outreach in a public housing neighborhood and many lives have been transformed. Last November I saw Jesus at work in a congregation of 200-some homeless men and women who regularly worship at Truro Church in Fairfax, Virginia. Last week I heard about ways in which Jesus is changing lives at All Saints Church in San Antonio, Texas. Jesus is busy throughout CANA; he’s all over the country. Jesus is closer than ever . . . if we just have eyes that want to see him

.Let us go to the manger. Let us marvel in his presence. Let us bring him our gifts. Let us tell others about him.

Jesus is here!

Your Brother in Christ,

+Martyn

The Rt. Rev'd Martyn Minns

Missionary Bishop of CANA

Update on life... and stuff...

2009-12-19T16:13:00.005-05:00

I can see from my last post that it's been almost exactly a month since I've last written here. Alot has changed, and yet, not much has changed. We're a week away from Christmas, and I'm doing my best to focus totally on the birth of our wonderful Lord. My loss is still very much a part of me. I told a priest friend recently that I haven't even begun to deal with my loss, and I don't feel the least bit ready. He reassured me that healing will come in time. (Thanks Fr Jim!)

Ok... so what is still the same.... Let's start by the fact that God's love is everlasting and will never, ever change. His love is the only constant in my life right now, and I thank Him every day for His presence in my life. When I'm at the end of my rope, He whispers peace in my ear... sometimes through the words of others or a gentle hug from a friend-- sometimes by a soft breeze-- sometimes through His Holy Word. Whatever it is, it always comes at just the right moment. Thank you God for loving me and healing my brokenness.

Also the same, for now, is that I'm still living at my friends apartment. Things have been up and down with that for the entire last month. I am SO craving stability and security right now. Her finances also hit bottom, so about a week ago, we decided to get a different and cheaper apartment together in Greenwich (about a mile from CTK). That was going really well... we're actually still scheduled to move in on 12/28.... it's a beautiful apartment in a nice area and very affordable.... but.... yesterday morning my friend's mom died. Yah, so that put a fly in the ointment. I'm praying that the move still happens. It's an ideal situation, and God is making it SO clear that that is the direction He wants me to move in. I think my friend needs to try and see past her grief and attempt to make some good choices... right now that's not happening. I trust God, and am praying that He will guide her heart to the right decisions.

Ok... so what has changed.... alot... alot. Let's begin with the fact that, praise God, the depression that I've been fighting for years, has seemingly lifted!!! That's a huge healing, in so many ways. God continues to speak peace into my heart, moment by moment. He has also taught me, not so gently, but necessary, that life isn't about "things". Life, is about our relationship with God... He wants our ALL. God's word tells is that Jesus told his disciples to leave everything behind and follow Him. I know that's what He wants of me, and I know that by ridding me of "things" He is beginning the process of making that a reality. My only "things" right now consist of some clothes (not many) and a few boxes of memories. I'm ok with that. God did bless me however, with being able to save one of my "babies" and keep her with me. You can't imagine the blessing she's been. Her name is Liebe, which is a German word... it means LOVE. She is a furry reminder of God's love for me.

Hmmmm, ok so what else has changed.... The night of my last post, God led me to a Revival Praise and Worship that takes place every Friday night in my area. It goes to different churches (usually Anglican/Episcopal), on a rotating/by invitation basis. My friend and I have started going on a regular basis, depending on location. The group that goes, is usually pretty regular and we're all becoming very close. They are an amazing group of people!! These are people who love God with all their hearts, souls, minds and bodies. We pray, and prepare ourselves for the return of our wonderful Lord, which we all believe will be soon. The service is a time to lay down our burdens, leaving them at the foot of the cross, and give our hearts totally over to praising God!! Our leaders are some of the most Godly people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing! From Deacon Frank (who is without question, the most "un-deacon-like" person I've ever met (I say that with love)... LOL... but who has an incredible gift of discernment and who gives the best hugs EVER!), Mother Susan and her husband Ralph (who hear words from the Lord on a moment to moment basis that often send us to our knees), Fr Steve (who has a gift for leading us to letting go and letting God just take over our lives- giving it all to Him) to Fr Jim- our worship leader (he has a beautiful voice and can play the piano like no one I've ever met), and his wife Ginny (who are truly two of the most compassionate and loving people I've EVER met) I'm in awe of the gifts of these people who have given their lives over totally to serving God. I want what they have- their gifts of leadership, discernment, gentleness and compassion, speaking words from our God... I believe that God is leading me in that direction. Mother Susan has already told us that just by being at the revival meetings every week, that she considers us part of the leadership team.... WOW!! Yah, that's what I want. Ok, so what has changed.... God has led me to this incredible group of people! Thank you God!!!

Yikes, so this is getting long... very long... sorry! Has it been even remotely interesting? I think I'll wrap up for now and try to maybe write more tomorrow. It feels good to write again, gosh-I've missed this!! So, maybe writing is one of my gifts too...???

Love to all!!!

just a quick PS

2009-11-21T14:54:00.002-05:00

On an even sadder note... well, maybe not... just different. I know a lot of my bloggy friends out there were praying for a special little boy named Ben. Remember him?? Sadly, I need to report that Ben earned his angel wings on Columbus Day. So, please pray for Ben's family, especially his twin brother James. Please pray also, for a cure to childhood cancer... no child should EVER have to suffer from such an awful thing.

Fly high little Ben. We miss you so much!!!

a new beginning... and saying goodbye

2009-11-21T14:26:00.002-05:00

It's been quite a while since my last post. Since then a lot has happened to me. There has been a lot of joy, but there has been an equal amount (no, who am I kidding... there has been a ton more) of pain and tears.

As I write this, I'm at a friends apartment. She's been kind enough to let me stay here for a while- how long, I don't know, but I'm grateful for each and every moment. This week, after a long struggle with finances- I lost my home. It's the only home I've ever known. Walking away from it has been heartbreaking. Even more heartbreaking though, was having to give up my pets. Just thinking about that moment this past Thursday makes me cry again... this is a different kind of grief. While I know that they're safe with my veterinarian, who is finding them new homes- I just miss them SO much!!! I know that this too will heal... right? Someone tell me that it will heal... right??

I struggle with God's hand in all of this. While I know that He did not cause it, I often wonder why He couldn't have stepped in and changed things around so the ending might have been different. Lord, help me understand Your ways!!

I had hoped this post might have been longer and more eloquent.... but as I write, I realize that I am at a loss for words. The fear, the grief, the confusion... I know there are other words-but just cant be put into words. I am trying with all my heart to believe that God has a plan for me and that He wont fail me- but honestly right now I'm not sure what to think. I think I need others to believe for me right now. My heart hurts- a lot!!

I have an incredible group of friends who are standing by me, as much as they can. At a revival service last night, a dear deacon from CTK hugged me and told me that I had an army of prayer warriors behind me. Yah, so maybe God is telling me He loves me through people like Deacon Lynn, and Sandra, and Lois, and Diane, and Pat, and Gail, and Susan, and Debbie, and Robin, and dear Fr Nigel, (who has spent the last 43 days in the hospital... nearly 40 of that on a ventilator in ICU... but praise God is doing much better.... I know though, that even though he's not aware of the situation that he knows I'm in need of prayer... he always teaches us that God knows the exact need and all we need to do is ask) and and and....

Ok, signing off for now. Don't know when I'll be back, but hope it's soon. I've missed writing and all my bloggy friends.

Love to all!!

prayer please

2009-06-30T15:51:00.002-04:00

If there is anyone out there in blog land- I am in huge need of prayer right now.... my financial problems have caught up with me and things are just not good right now... I'm an absolute mess- and never been so scared in all my life!

I was able to get an emergency appointment with Fr Nigel tomorrow (he's not in the office today, but I so wish he were)- talked with one of his staff who prayed with me over the phone- thank you God for Sandra!

I don't want to loose faith-- but right now, I am... and just cant pray. It's not that I don't believe that God loves me- I know He does- He just seems VERY far away right now.

Thanks for the prayers.... they're appreciated!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-06-29T15:01:00.005-04:00

For Today...

Outside my window... bright sunny day- temp near 70ish, I think... storms on the way (so what else is new)

I am thinking... that I hope my laundry dries on the clothesline before the storms hit- not promising though

From the kitchen... tuna/white bean/ basil tortilla wraps later for DD and I for dinner (that is unless he gets stuck in an emergency at work)

I am wearing... khaki shorts, red shirt, barefoot

I am reading... (about to read) the summer edition of Philo Trust Magazine (by Christian evangelist J John).... these usually have an awesome message- can't wait to sit back and read it

I am hoping... a solid, un-interrupted nights sleep tonight- I'm tired today

I am creating... not much today, but did do a painting yesterday

I am praying... for a friend whose cat is very sick- that if God must take little Muffins life- He do so quickly and peacefully and that my friend finds acceptance and peace.......for my little hero Ben that this chemo works and that he enjoys his day as bat boy with the Red Sox on Friday...... for a friend from CTK who has some serious mental issues- that she can find the help and healing that she needs....... for Fr Nigel's missing pet turtle- that he be found safely (don't laugh- someone apparently stole Mr Turtle from his office over the weekend- how sick is that... stealing a priest's pet turtle- talk about a need for healing!)...... oh... and that I find a job- like soon!

One of my favorite things... warm, sunny days sitting by the pond at CTK- enjoying the peace and quiet, the friendly visitors, the numerous critters (never know what you'll see there) and the unbelievable presence of Christ

A few plans for the rest of the week... healing service tomorrow- but beyond that, no clue- except for as always, spending time with my wonderful and loving God

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

goats are such friendly creatures... (yes, this is me at CTK )

**to join in the fun and read other Daybooks... go to Grandma Wren's

Friday's Fave Five

2009-06-26T19:53:00.004-04:00

Oh my gosh, what a week this has been!! Except for my microwave making a "grand exit", (read: spewing smoke and nasty fumes all through my house), it's been a fantastic week!! Here are a few highlights...

1. Can I take a minute (maybe more than one) to brag about my church??? God has blessed me with the most incredible church and church family in the entire world!! After being in and out of many denominations throughout my life (born and raised Methodist, a couple years in the Catholic church, a couple Sunday's in a "Community" church and a few visits to a "non denominational" church-- etc... you get the picture) I was beginning to feel that I didn't really "fit" anywhere.... but then, when I was going through a bit of a dark time in my life, DD told me about Christ the King Spiritual Life Center (a ministry of the Episcopal Diocese of Albany). He knew I was going through some "stuff" in my life, and thought that attending one of their healing services might be helpful. So... one fateful Tuesday I made the 45 minute trek up to Greenwich to attend the weekly healing service... can I tell you-- my life was never the same!! As I was sitting in their beautiful chapel, with about 100 others- worshiping God in song and word, hearing Scripture, praying and praying and praying (my first experience with "laying on of hands") the first thought that came to my mind was, "oh my gosh- these people "get it"...". For the first time in my life I felt like I fit in! Several weeks later, when meeting with Fr Nigel, director of the healing ministry, for prayer and counseling, for the first time in my life, I felt totally and completely understood!! CTK is Holy Ground... you feel it the moment you arrive on site- the presence of God is palpable- not only in word, but also in the eyes, hands, compassion of everyone there... yes, the people-- gosh, what can I say about the people... they're so special... you feel like family from your first moment there- there is SUCH love- God's love! Three years after arriving there for the first time- I'm in the process of preparing for Confirmation in the Episcopal church, and have begun the discernment process of possibly becoming a Deacon. Thank you God for leading me to this wonderful place!! Ok... so enough bragging... thanks for letting me share... so tell me about YOUR church now!!

2. I'm one of those with a stupid nut allergy... not only peanuts, but all nuts-- it's realllllly annoying!! But I've discovered Sunflower Seed Butter- which is a really great alternative and SO good! (It's a bit pricey, but will go on sale occasionally) I love eating it any way, but am prone to sit here at my desk and dip crackers right in the jar. YUM!!!!

3. While I'm on the topic of food... sort of... I dug out my sun tea jar this week. It's been quite a while since I've made sun tea, and had forgotten how good it was... throw some sugar, and a little lemon kool-aid in and I'm a happy lady. My aunt used to make it with frozen lemonade (that was SO good!), but I cant afford that right now- maybe sometime, but I'm content with the kool-aid for now.

4. I love having long conversations with friends, or anyone, about what a wonderful God we have!! I consider it a blessing to be able to share about all the wonderful things God has done in my life!!! Several times this week, God has put people in my path that need to hear my story of how God has healed me- in many, many ways. What an honor it is, to spread His message of healing!

5. I've been invited to attend a Woman's Cursillo weekend in November. I hear that this is a life changing event. For some reason, that alone is daunting... but at the same time, I'm really excited about the possibilities of spiritual growth and fellowship. If you've had a Cursillo experience, I'd love to hear about it!

Happy Friday everyone... (late post, sorry!) Enjoy your weekend!!!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-06-22T08:39:00.005-04:00

For Today...

Outside my window... cloudy and cool, light rain at the moment- supposed to warm up into the 70's later and maybe some sun

I am thinking... about what a great day DD and I had on Saturday... just hanging out at his house for the day- almost like we were married-- snuggled a lot, argued a bit, made up a bit, did some laundry and work around the house... I think I could get used to this!! (Now, if he'll get the hint and propose!)

I am thankful for... Fr Nigel's return after almost a month of traveling (for healing missions/ conferences) to England, Sweden, England (again), diocese convention in Speculator (NY), Colorado and Maine... gosh I missed him! I vaguely remember hugging him after church yesterday and telling him he was gone for too long... LOL...

From the kitchen... fresh radishes from DD's garden- mine still wont grow for some reason

I am wearing... shorts and a sweater, barefoot

I am reading... more cook books- I do so miss cooking

I am hoping... to find a way to fund a weekend retreat that I REALLY want to get to in July... led by Fr Nigel and Bishop Bill on "Healing of Memories"- did the same retreat two years ago on the topic of Forgiveness... it was life changing... expect this one will be too- just need to find a way to make it happen... please God!?

I am creating... a dream- a plan

I am praying... for my little hero Ben- this cancer just wont let up... was supposed to start a new chemo last week- praying that this one works. On a lighter note though, on July 3rd, he'll be on the field with the Red Sox as a bat boy for their game... how cool is this! I'm SO excited for him!

Around the house... so much to do, so little energy to do it with (didn't I say that last week too?... eek!)

One of my favorite things... hoping to start crocheting a prayer shawl this week- looking forward to a rainy day (yes, I love those) to just sit on my back porch, listen to the rain and crochet and pray all day

A few plans for the rest of the week... tomorrow the usual Tuesday healing service at CTK, weeding, trying to put up some sort of fencing around the garden to keep the cute critters from eating it all, hopefully spending a day with DD and as always, spending time with my wonderful and loving God

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

~my favorite place in the world~

Friday's Fave Five

2009-06-19T09:16:00.003-04:00

It's been an interesting week- (much better than last week) and there is a lot that stands out as being significant, as far as "a favorite part"...

1. God taught me a huge lesson in tithing this week. With being unemployed (still), the funds are hard to come by, and usually only appear through the goodness of DD or friends, and when they do, I try to manage them with an iron fist. Unfortunately, that has meant not giving to the church as I would really like. Well, this past Tuesday, at the weekly healing service I had one dollar left to my name... do you know how scary that is? But, as I was sitting in the service I felt God impressing on me to "give all I have"- meaning, to trust Him enough to give Him that last dollar. For some reason, when it came time for the offering, I didn't find this hard in the least- I guess I'm growing in my trusting, huh? Anyway- lesson here... if we give God all we have, He WILL provide for our needs. Within a short time after the service, one friend had handed me some money and given me a bag of food, and another friend had bought me lunch. Whoa... Ok, I get it Lord! Yesterday, DD called and offered to take me grocery shopping. Do you know what it feels like to suddenly have food, when the pantry shelves were basically empty? I get overwhelmed when I think about God's grace and provision. He really IS an awesome God!

2. The song Days of Elijah is probably my favorite song of all time. We sang it Tuesday at the Healing service and WOW was the presence of God ever among us- it was palpable!! I find such hope and comfort in the coming of our Lord. I pray daily for His return, an wait with joyful anticipation His presence among us! What a wonderful day that will be!!

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3. Yesterday was a seriously rainy day. I know I'm one of the few, but I love rain. I find it beautiful and peaceful. When it's not a cold, icy rain- there is nothing I love more than to take a walk and feel the healing gentleness of God's love washing over me.

4. I've been doing a lot of daydreaming this week about what could be-- making some plans (at least in my head) and trying to figure out a way to make those dreams happen. I love daydreaming- it's provides such hope. There is a saying I remember back from my childhood days... "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." Yah, so I think I've forgotten how to dream... thanks to God for putting those dreams back in my head, and to Jan for reminding me that it's ok to dream!

5. And, last but not least- and on a much more shallow note LOL... I love hummus (extra garlic, please)!!! Yesterday when DD took me grocery shopping, I got a big tub of it... yes, it's gone already! So, a little self indulgence never hurt- God does want us to be happy, and if that comes from time to time in a tub of hummus, I think He'd be ok with that!

Happy Friday everyone... enjoy your weekend!

2009-06-15T13:38:00.004-04:00

For Today...

Outside my window... bright, bright sunshine- puddles everywhere from a brief, recent thunderstorm, with more on the way later today... about 70 degrees

I am thinking... how odd it is that I actually LIKE the storms- they used to terrify me, but now I almost welcome them (not the bad ones, mind you- heavy wind and violent lightening, I can do without!)

I am thankful for... a wonderful guy who brought me homemade rhubarb pie on his way to work this morning

From the kitchen... think I may try making this sometime this week- actually have everything in the house for it, and it looks SO good

I am wearing... khaki shorts, purple shirt, barefoot

I am reading... all my old cookbooks (and there are many... many... many)

I am hoping... that someone-anyone, will respond to my resume- unemployment really STINKS

I am creating... a dream- a plan-- to be who God wants me to be

I am praying... that God shows me how to put the dream-plan in motion (and provides the finances to do so)

Around the house... the garden is in desperate need of weeding- it's embarrassing, trying to clean the back porch- (scrub down the walls, hang curtains (to block view of annoying neighbor), wash blankets on day bed (used over the winter as the comfy home of my adorable little mice- I do like mice, yes, I'm being serious- I just don't want to share a bed with them)...)

One of my favorite things... dreaming about what could be- doing a lot of that lately

A few plans for the rest of the week... not much in the way of errands, but see "around the house" for the other stuff

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you

this is (was) some of the lettuce growing in my garden...

before the rabbits had a really great dinner....

oh well, they need to eat too!

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2009-06-13T07:00:00.000-04:00

My song choice this week comes from my sweet baby kitty Precious going to Heaven this past Wednesday... (see more about it in yesterday's post) Lord, it hurts SO much!! My heart is just broken in a thousand pieces. Lord, please give me strength and peace!!

Homesick by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Friday Fill-in's

2009-06-12T11:46:00.002-04:00

...and here we go...

1. I grew up thinking that the world was a good and happy and safe place (well, except for my own home- but wont go into that now). Yah, ok, so boy was I wrong.... I guess we wake up as adults, huh? Sometimes I wish I could go back to that place of "ignorance" and just trust again, don't you?

2. Transfiguration's (http://transfigurations.blogspot.com) was the last website I was at before coming here. It's an Episcopal "based" website, that keeps me up to date on the happenings in the EC- the good, the bad and the ugly. I'm not all to happy with the state of the national EC right now, and am encouraged by (and am supporting) the many churches and dioceses that are choosing to split from the national church. Maybe the national church will get the hint, but I doubt it. Great website, if you're into all of that!

3. Why don't you (all of you who are reading this... yes, YOU) leave a comment (friendly please), telling me something about yourself? I know people are reading this... I'd just like to know who!!!

4. A hot bath and a glass of wine, helps me relax. That's on tap for tonight, well, minus the wine because I can't afford it right now... may even go for the candle light tonight too. Hmmm, it is night time yet?

5. Thanks for the love. The love I speak of is the love I've received for the last 13 years from my sweet baby kitty, Precious. This has been a tough week for me... on Wednesday, my baby went to Heaven. As many times as I've been through the loss of a pet, it's always agony and never ever gets easier. With no "real kids", my "pets" really become my babies. The pain of the loss is equal to, or greater than that of the loss of a human. (Trust me, I've experienced more human loss than any person should... more on that another time.) My Precious (aka, "Itty Bitty Pretty Precious Kitty"), was the sweetest little creature I could have ever imagined. She had a temper, yes-- but when she was loving, oh my gosh, she was the most cuddly little calico ball of fur you could ever imagine. My favorite way of being woken in the morning, which I miss SO much, is with her sitting on my chest and lightly hitting me in the face with her paw... how could I not wake up smiling! Anyway... thanks for the love, Precious... I miss you baby, and I'll always love you!

6. Swearing is very off-putting. I guess this is one of my pet peeves. First of all- taking the Lord's name in vain, is just wrong. If you're going to use my Lord's name in a negative way, then you're not going to be spending any time around me. Ok and while I'm on the "soap box", will someone please explain to me why some people seem to use the "f" word, seemingly in every sentence- sometimes every other word.... bleech... why????

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to taking a hot bath, and curling up in bed with a good book, tomorrow my plans include yard work (what else?) and Sunday, I want to spend at least part of the day with David (aka DD)!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-06-08T14:35:00.006-04:00

For Today...

Outside my window... an absolutely beautiful day- highs in the 70's, bright sunshine-- perfect!

I am thankful for... my wonderful Women of Prayer friends- no longer really a prayer group (wish we still were), but the bond we formed during our time together will never end- Love you ladies a lot!

From the kitchen... whatever DD brings me this week

I am wearing... t-shirt and Capri's

I am reading... a cookbook with crock-pot recipes- no food, but still love to read recipes... I know that makes no sense- but its one of my favorite things to do

I am creating... a growing garden, IF the pesky critters would stop eating it

I am praying... for the Tinkler family. They're friends from my old church (and even though I no longer attend there, I still have close bonds with the members)... anyway- this morning their son/brother was charged with 2ND degree murder in the death of his girlfriends three year old daughter. While I in no way condone the actions of this man, my heart absolutely breaks for his family. They're beyond devastated. This story is just breaking my heart today- actually making me nauseous. Only God really knows the truth about what happened to this child- it's not for us to judge or condemn... we're called to pray- and that is exactly what I am doing. God please comfort this family- be with them and hold them in Your mighty arms.

Around the house... so much to do- so little energy to do it

One of my favorite things... a long hot bath, with candle light- on the agenda for tonight

A few plans for the rest of the week... healing service tomorrow, spending time with DD... not much else- I soooooooooo need a life

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

- Christ the King Chapel... one of my favorite places

(thanks to Jan for this picture)

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2009-06-06T07:00:00.000-04:00

I know I usually post songs that are serious and Holy, and that's all well and good and important, I know-- but this week has been tough and I've really just needed something to make me laugh. God wants us to laugh too! A few weeks ago, when preaching about the importance of loving our neighbor, Fr Nigel shared this . It had everyone just about falling over laughing- but he made his point too. This makes me laugh each and every time I hear it. Hope it will make you laugh too. Enjoy!!!

Friday Fill-Ins

2009-06-05T18:31:00.003-04:00

And...here we go!

1. I love being home. I'm such a home-body... seriously, Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, has it right... "there's no place like home, there's no place like home..." Where else can you totally be "who you are" without people judging you by your looks, actions, words...???

2. My favorite thing for dinner lately has been a big juicy orange. I don't usually think of oranges being really good at this time of year, but these are fantastic. Odd... I hated oranges (orange anything) when I was little (unless it was sweetened with a gallon of sugar)- now I just cant seem to get enough of them.

3. When I go to David's house, all I hear is bark! bark! bark! (With six LARGE German Shepherds, it makes an impression!! LOL)

4. A nice long walk is my favorite thing to do at CTK. With 700 acres to explore, there's always something new to discover, especially at this time of year... new life springing up everywhere! (The pic is taken by my friend Jan when we spent the day at CTK a few weeks ago... this is a Honeysuckle enclosed path leading to the convent... it was SO beautiful! )

5. I could sure use some good news. It's been a tough week... I just need a break!

6. When all is said and done, Christ is Lord.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to climbing in bed with a nice juicy orange, a big bottle of lemonade and a good book, tomorrow my plans include sleeping late and then some weeding in the garden and Sunday, I want to (have planned for a while to) make a really nice dinner for the Ronald McDonald House in Albany with my friends- so-so-so looking forward to this!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-03T08:12:00.001-04:00

"Letting Go"

This is one of my paintings... it's taken from a photo that was taken six years ago at my Mom's burial. It's a picture of a butterfly balloon, which was symbolic to me of "letting go"... letting her fly free-- free from the pain that she'd been in for the eight years she'd suffered from that horrible Alzheimer's disease-- free from the broken hip, heart problems, a stroke... etc that had consumed the last eight months of her life.... free to fly with her wonderful God!! I miss you, Mom!!!

Something to share...

2009-06-02T17:15:00.001-04:00

Yah, ok so today is "one of those days". I think I should have unplugged my phone (oh wait, I did- just not for long enough), and NOT checked email... (but well, I did...) and just stayed in my cozy bed with furry, purring heating pads all day. But no, instead, I spent my day trying to finalize the details of the Ronald McDonald House dinner for Sunday- the plans of which on paper look great, but seem to be going haywire before my eyes-- UGH. But even worse, I spent a good portion of my day trying to deal with my psycho (I'm SO not kidding) ex-boss who is making all sorts of "threatening" comments in emails. Today she is having a fit because she'd asked for the keys to the office, and is saying that I'll need to pay for the locks to be changed, AND if anything is ever missing from the office... well, you know... The wild thing is (and I thank God for a moment of sanity two weeks ago) that I was smart enough to send her precious keys through CERTIFIED mail on 5/21.... hmmm!! Checked with the post office and geee... they attempted delivery LAST WEEK- she's just choosing not to go sign for them. Oh well.... guess the ball's in her court now, huh? Anyway-- somehow I thought that quitting a job would be easier than this??? Ok, well thanks for letting me vent.

Had actually hoped on doing some "real" writing today, but my mood is pretty much, ah... well you know. So, instead of my writing, I'll just share something that Fr Nigel read a couple weeks ago in church. It really spoke to me... really woke me up. I think it was a large part (the other part being the psycho boss) of the reason I chose to quit my job. Hope you all enjoy this and it inspires you as much as it did me! I'm off now to climb in a hot bath, pour a big glass of lemonade (Lordy, I wish I had some wine right now!), and try to find something chocolate- weird combination, I know... but I'm menopausal, I'm allowed. After that I'll be checking in on my bloggy friends! :-) Have a good night, everyone!

In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day

by Mark Batterson

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks.

Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and the last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think, and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away.

Chase the lion.

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-06-01T19:44:00.004-04:00

For Today... June 1, 2009

Outside my window... cloudy and breezy- likely some rain tonight

I am thankful for... the big, juicy oranges that DD dropped off to me this morning on his way to work

From the kitchen... nothing from my kitchen (no income, no food, no cooking), but on Sunday will be joining with some friends to make a dinner for Ronald McDonald House... baked ham, sweet potato fries, homemade macaroni and cheese, green beans, rolls, freshly baked cookies and iced tea

I am wearing... my jammies

I am reading... need to start reading my next chapter for my OSL class, but just remembered that I loaned my book to Diane... uhhh, Diane??

I am hoping... to find a GOOD job (without a psycho boss)... SOON!

I am creating... not much... never got to the watercolor painting I was thinking about last week... maybe this week

I am praying... for travel mercies for Fr Nigel as he travels home from England

Around the house... everything I didn't get to last week because of the stomach/intestinal/migraine thing that wouldn't die

One of my favorite things... a kitty on my lap- so content... I need to learn this from her

A few plans for the rest of the week... looking for a job (again, one WITHOUT a psycho boss), preparing for the RMH meal on Sunday, maybe getting together with my friend Lisa-- (Lisa, you reading this??) and as always- spending time with my wonderful and loving God!

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you

"new life"

comments please...

2009-05-31T09:37:00.003-04:00

Had an interesting discussion with my boyfriend, dear David, last night. I'd asked him if he'd ever read my blog, to which his answer was no... not a surprise-- but not all to upsetting to me either. What he said next churned my pride a bit and has led me to seek the wisdom of other bloggers. He said that he believed that there would be a much better use of one's time than sitting at a computer and writing something that no one would really care about reading. (GRRRRRR!!!!) (Those weren't his exact words, but at midnight, when this conversation was going on, I think the exact wording got lost in my anger... but you get the gist!) Now, I know that my life isn't exactly novel worthy, nor is my faith anything extraordinary-- but... God has given me the gift and love of writing-- should I put that down because there are other things to do?? Yes, the yard work will get done, the house will get cleaned... all the other chores will be accomplished-- can't I sit and write for a few minutes each day- using this great gift that God has blessed me with?? Ok, so what do other bloggers think??? Does anyone really care about what we write?? Is this just a huge waste of time??

(On a side note, I know I've slightly (maybe more than slightly) made my dear David sound like a bit of an... ogre...grump...OCD pain-in-the---.... but the truth is that in spite of his shortcomings, and we all have them- he really is a good person who does love me (and visa versa) deeply. So in the unlikely event that he does actually read this... I love you DD!!! :-) )

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2009-05-30T08:00:00.002-04:00

My friends will tell you that I often have some "interesting" dreams- quite often with a bit of potential prophecy or Godly wisdom. The dream I had this past Tuesday night was certainly one of those dreams, although I only remember the very end of it. In the dream was a group of teens from a church (not sure which church, but clearly Christian). They had just done some sort of program for a large group. The ending of their program is what has stuck in my head, and has led me to this weeks "Then Sings My Soul Saturday"song... their words were simple and direct... absolutely speak for themselves and I believe, are directly from God...

"... and in the last few days- the final days, God's love will be remembered as the most amazing adventure ever."

This is the song that has been in my heart this week.

The Great Adventure by Steven Curtis Chapman

Saddle up your horses

Started out this morning in the usual way

Chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today

Another time around the circle try to make it better than the last

I opened up the Bible and I read about me

Said I'd been a prisoner and God's grace had set me free

And somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt

I saw a big frontier in front of me and I heard somebody say "let's go"!

CHORUS Saddle up your horses we've got a trail to blaze

Through the wild blue yonder of God's amazing grace

Let's follow our leader into the glorious unknown

This is a life like no other -

this is The Great Adventure

Come on get ready for the ride of your life

Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind

And discover all the new horizons just waiting to be explored

This is what we were created for

(Chorus)

BRIDGE We'll travel over, over mountains so high

We'll go through valleys below

Still through it all we'll find that

This is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see

The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams

Yeah... oh saddle up your horses... come on get ready to ride

(Chorus)

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Friday Fill-Ins

2009-05-29T09:57:00.002-04:00

I know that doing the "fill-in's" seems like cheating on writing every (almost) day... but it keeps me disciplined and at least sort of keeps my creativity moving... so...

here we go...

1. It's cold and wet and icky here. I know the rain is good for the garden, and I'm thankful for it- but seriously enough is enough. I so can't wait to get outside without getting drenched-- hopefully this weekend... looking forward to temps in the 70's again!
2.I love tomatoes. Funny thing is that when I was a kid, I totally wouldn't touch them unless they were in ketchup, which oddly enough I wont touch now... hmmm! Give me tomatoes any way... but especially in salsa or in a simple fresh salad. Mmmmm, I'm getting hungry!!
3. My favorite health and beauty product is soap and water. Yes, I'm seriously old fashioned! I just cant see the point of spending a ton of money on (animal tested) chemicals and then putting them on your body, when simple soap and water do just fine.
4. My drive to church is a nice long ride. Leave it to me to find a church that I totally love, and have it be a 50 minute drive each way. Don't get me wrong, it's a beautiful drive- mostly country living, lots of farms... even some alpacas!! But there are times when I get out of a late meeting, or it's nasty weather-- that's when the drive gets to me. But... I love my church, my church family and my priests-- wouldn't give it up for the world!
5. Well, first of all I cant stand sentences that start out like this. Usually it's the beginning of a lecture or scolding... kinda makes me cringe. I'll just change it to say, "Well, first and always, our God is an awesome God whose love surpasses anything we can imagine...
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3: 16-19
6. A group of teens from a church; those were the cast of characters in a recent dream and it was a great message from God about his amazing love. See tomorrow's "Then Sings My Soul Saturday" post for more about the dream.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to maybe working in the yard for a bit if the weather (and my headache) clears, tomorrow my plans include making a new recipe for Onion Dip , starting to move the furniture around in my living room/bedroom/ entry way and maybe working outside some more and Sunday, I want to spend the day with David!

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-28T15:32:00.003-04:00

I'm just starting to come back to life after a couple days with a stomach bug (which I'm starting to think might actually be an ulcer) and then one of my wonderful migraines (hormonal... welcome to "40 something"). In spite of feeling nothing less than putrid (that's the only word for it), I am still finding time today to thank God for so many things... it is after all "Thankful Thursday"...

Thank you God for...

giving me the energy to finally climb out of bed without pain to sit and write, giving praise to our wonderful God

for a rainy day (several actually) which is giving nourishment to my happily growing garden (which is weed free thanks to a weekend of weeding)

my wonderful guy- just for being who he is... even though there are days, ah many days, that he makes me nuts

for my fur babies who seem to know when I'm feeling nasty and lay exactly where I need them to... little "human" heating pads

for a wonderful visit this past Saturday with Jan-- beautiful day at CTK, great conversation, great food.... even a bride and her dad on horseback . (Bride- Becky... photo taken by Jan)
for orange gumdrops...mmmmm!!!
for God's provision- always
for the healing hand of God
and always for the incredible blessing of having God at the center of my heart, working each and every day for HIS Glory!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-05-25T11:51:00.004-04:00

FOR TODAY- May 25th

Outside my window... beautiful sunny day, blue skies and not a hint of rain for the day.

I am thinking... I should be outside working instead of writing, but oh well...

I am thankful for... so many things, but right now am especially thankful for the love of a wonderful guy!

From the kitchen... if I can afford it, want to try a new recipe for Caesar dip that I found recently... looks SO good!

I am wearing... my jammies, but not for long-- will soon change to my jeans and red tank top- finally warm enough for those

I am creating... (hoping to create) haven't done any painting in a while, may try to get out the paints this afternoon in the garden and see where God leads me.

I am going... not far this week-- likely to David's for a bit tomorrow, but other than that will enjoy hanging at home

I am reading... (again) The Healing Reawakening by Francis MacNutt

I am hoping... and praying for absolute healing for a man in Sweden named Ulf, who suffers from Dystonia, as Fr Nigel and his sister Julie head there to pray with him tomorrow morning (5am- 7am EST... 10am- noon, in Sweden)-- will be on my knees joining them in prayer during that time.

I am hearing... the sound of the fan humming, and the purring of a sweet kitty in my lap

Around the house... so much to do... UGH... more yard work (it's endless) and trying to rearrange the furniture in my bedroom and living room to make it more "summer friendly"

One of my favorite things... a quite day at home-- much to do, but the holiday seems to bring on a quieter pace in the world around

A few plans for the rest of the week: finishing up the plans for the meal my friends and I are doing for Ronald McDonald house in a couple weeks- what a blessing to be able to do this... , continuing to look for a job (please God?!), planting more seeds in the garden (jalapeno pepper- so I can make salsa, and spaghetti squash- one of my favorite's!), and of course spending time with my wonderful and loving God.

Here is picture thought I am sharing...

"A Mother's Love"... this is a painting that I did in memory of my wonderful Mom... I miss her so much!!

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2009-05-23T08:00:00.006-04:00

This is the song that has been in my head and heart all week. We sang it in church on Sunday. To see hands lifted and hear voices strongly and beautifully proclaiming the incredible love of Christ just filled my soul to overflowing!!

Lift High the Cross

Lift high the cross, the love of Christ proclaim,
Till all the world adore His sacred Name.

Led on their way by this triumphant sign,
The hosts of God in conquering ranks combine.

Refrain

Each newborn servant of the Crucified
Bears on the brow the seal of Him Who died.

Refrain

O Lord, once lifted on the glorious tree,
As Thou hast promised, draw the world to Thee.

Refrain

So shall our song of triumph ever be:
Praise to the Crucified for victory.

Refrain

Friday Fill-Ins

2009-05-22T19:57:00.003-04:00

Cant think of what to write about today, so instead of doing nothing thought I'd make my first attempt at "Friday Fill-In's"... We'll see how it goes.
Happy Friday everyone.

And...here we go!

1. Moving slowly today... not feeling all that energetic. Will be a busy weekend with yard work/garden, so haven't pushed myself.

2.The best things in life really are free.... like the love of my wonderful guy, the peacefulness of purring kitties, sunrises and sunsets, the smell of lilacs, God's amazing love... the list goes on!

3. My best quality is my compassion.

4. People tell me that I'm obsessed with details. I however just don't see that-- maybe I used to be, but now I'm at the stage in my life (think it hit when I turned 40) where I just say, "Whatever"!!!

5. In nearly 10 years, I sure hope (pray) to have some sort of job in ministry- hopefully healing ministry, but I'll take whatever God gives me.

6. Inner peace is what I need right now! (Oh yah, and a job!)

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to bed in a little while- (yah, I know, I have no life), tomorrow my plans include meeting my friend Jan at CTK for a picnic and hike (see, I do have a life! LOL) and Sunday, I want to (need to) spend the day weeding the garden!

Thankful Thursday

2009-05-21T09:05:00.003-04:00

"Count your blessings, name them one by one...

Count your many blessings see what God has done!"

This week I am thankful for...

a new start... finally resigning from a job that has been an un-Christian thorn in my side for four LONG years... Thank you God for leading me (ok, knocking me over the side of the head with a two by four) to finally do this!

God's provision during this time of transition

the beauty of each new day... and the chance to begin again each day

my growing garden...!!! (In need of weeding... on the agenda for this weekend- and beyond.)
for my little 8 yr old hero Ben's healing... a semi-easy recovery from a surgery that would leave most adults out of commission for weeks (but he's got such a great attitude that he's back in school just over a week later!) and for assurance and trust in God that his cancer will never ever again return
for God's protection and love
for God's protection and travel mercies for Fr Nigel as he travels to England, Scotland and Sweden over the next two weeks to bring God's healing love to a hurting world.
for mashed potatoes for breakfast.... YUM!
for REALLY warm weather -near 90 today!!
for incredible friends who support me in my time of transition and always
for being inducted as a FULL member of the International Order of St Luke this week... Fr Nigel says that we're not supposed to be proud, but very humbled by this honor... and I am humbled... but cant help but feel a bit proud of my accomplishment
for the healing hand of Christ and the knowledge that He does still heal today
and always for the incredible blessing of having God at the center of my heart, working each and every day for HIS Glory!!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-05-20T08:09:00.002-04:00

"fellowship"

The Simple Woman's Daybook-- May 18

2009-05-18T08:55:00.006-04:00

For Today... May 18th

Outside my window... the sun is trying really hard to peek out from the clouds, the wind is gently blowing... looks like the potential of a beautiful day.

I am thinking... about what more I want to plant in the garden... basil is a must, maybe some oregano, tomato plants coming soon (too cold right now), sweet potato plants, perhaps a hot pepper plant (to make salsa), cantaloupe seeds going in today... any other suggestions?

I am thankful for... my growing garden

From the kitchen... blueberry pancakes for breakfast

I am wearing... my jammies

I am reading... chapter 3: "Prayers of the Heart- Love, Compassion and the Healing Ministry" of Going Deeper- my Order of St Luke study guide... class tomorrow night- haven't started the chapter yet, but looks good from the title

I am hoping... to find a new job, where my God given gifts and used and appreciated

I am creating... a "heavenly" paradise in my back yard

I am praying... daily prayers of Rogation Week from the Book of Common Prayers. Wondering what Rogation Week is?? Here is a good explanation and here (#19)- are the prayers from the BCP.

Around the house... hoping to scrub down the (screened in) front porch sometime this week, maybe even put up some pretty curtains on one side

One of my favorite things... tomorrow's Tuesday Healing services at CTK... am especially excited about tomorrow as I'm going to be formally inducted as a full member of Order of St Luke-- it's been a long year of study looking at the gospel accounts of the healing ministry of Jesus... and I'm SO ready for this induction... not to say the classes or the learning stops- but now we'll, as a group or individually, be able to bring healing missions to churches or groups that may be interested in learning more about the healing ministry. Pretty exciting!!

A few plans for the rest of the week... yard work... yard work... ah, more yard work (that includes working in the garden, which I absolutely love doing!), hopefully spending a day with David (not sure when his day off is this week), tackling the previously mentioned porch, looking for a GOOD job, tomorrow's healing service at CTK, getting together with my friend Jan at CTK on Saturday for a picnic and hike and of course spending time with my wonderful and loving God!

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you...

Consider the Lilies

2009-05-17T14:43:00.002-04:00

Then, turning to his disciples, Jesus said, “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food to eat or enough clothes to wear. For life is more than food, and your body more than clothing. Look at the ravens. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for God feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than any birds! Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And if worry can’t accomplish a little thing like that, what’s the use of worrying over bigger things?
“Look at the lilies and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Matthew 12:22-28

We have such an incredibly awesome God... He knows our hearts so well... better than we do... He knows our needs- physical, emotional, spiritual- before we do... He knows our tears before we cry them. He provides for us in every way, at every moment... we really don't even have to ask. He provides for the "little things" like food and shelter (which seem like big things to us) but He also provides for the "big things", like confirmations, affirmations, comfort and fellowship.

While I see God's provision each and every day, there are times when He has my head spinning, so to speak! This week, has been one of those weeks!!!... Just to mention a few... Last Monday, when I'd made the decision, at God's urging to resign from my current job, (which has been an un-Christian thorn in my side since the day I started working there four years ago) leaving me with ZERO income, I was more than a bit frightened- trying to trust God, but still not sure... I prayed saying, "Ok Lord, if you want me to do this, You need to give me strength and courage." I left the prayer at that and went on with my day, trusting in Him to provide. The next morning I went to the weekly healing service at CTK (my usual Tuesday spot) and was blown away when Fr Nigel's homily was on... yes, you guessed it... COURAGE! When I spoke with Fr Nigel after the service and asked him when God had told him to speak on courage- it turned out to be about the same time I was praying my prayer!! We were both blown away- but not surprised, by that! The messages- answers kept coming last week-- one right after the other.

Yesterday was a tough day, I made the mistake of letting someones judgement get the best of me-- yes, even after God reminding me this week that His opinion was the only one that matters. I gave up on leaving my job and spent the day rather depressed and angry. (Ya think that "it" was happy about that!? UGH! Can't let that happen!) I wasn't even going to go to church today-- but really pushed myself knowing that seeing my "family" at CTK and worshiping our wonderful God would be the very best thing for me. As I went into the sanctuary and was about to sit down, I looked over to see my dear friend Laura! (Hi Laura!!) Now, you have to know that Laura lives a good two or three hours from CTK... her being there was no coincidence! God knew my need!! (Sometimes I think Laura is actually an Angel... she always seems to be at CTK exactly when I need a lift and she ALWAYS says exactly what I need to hear!!) Without even asking Him, He sent me my friend today. He spoke through her so clearly and His message was received and planted deep in my heart. God spoke His love through Laura today! (Thank you God... thank you Laura!)

This is exceptionally long today-- sorry-- but I just felt that I wanted to share about God's wonderful provision. We don't even have to ask-- He knows... and He loves us SO much!!!

Happy Sunday everyone.... God loves YOU SOOOOOOOO much!!!!

Then Sings My Soul Saturday

2009-05-15T16:42:00.004-04:00

I've been spending a lot of time working in the gardens and yard this week...(the yard took a huge beating during last December's ice storm -lost at least 6 trees and I'm finally just starting to see that there is light at the end of the clean-up tunnel).. and with the help of my amazing guy I've been putting in a vegetable garden and tending (read weeding) the flower garden I have in memory of my Mom. It's been a busy week (not done yet, by a long shot)... but as I've been outside working amidst the trees, growing veges, flowers, shrubs, chirping birds, buzzing bees... nature-- even digging in the moist soil and dragging downed branches to the road - I've found myself in awe of God's awesome creation.

I think about what a great God we have that He loves us SO much that He would provide us with such beauty and majesty. This song has been in my head all week-- the dogs looked at my funny when I started singing it out loud during our walk around the yard one day... but I just couldn't help myself... Our God is so great and so good and so loving...

How Great is Our God

by Chris Tomlin

The splendor of a King,
Clothed in majesty
Let all the earth rejoice,
All the earth rejoice

He wraps himself in light,
And darkness tries to hide
And trembles at his voice,
And trembles at his voice

CHORUS(1):
How great is our God, sing with me
How great is our God,
and all will see How great,
How great
Is our God

VERSE(2):
Age to age he stands
And time is in His Hands
Beginning and the End,
Beginning and the End
The Godhead, Three in one
Father, Spirit, Son
The Lion and the Lamb,
The Lion and the Lamb

CHORUS

Name above all names
You are Worthy of all praise
and My heart will sing how great
Is our God

CHORUS

Faith-Filled Friday

2009-05-15T09:45:00.004-04:00

Some men brought to him a paralytic, lying on a mat. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven." Matthew 9:2

Then Jesus answered, "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." And her daughter was healed from that very hour. Matthew 15:28

Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. Matthew 21:21

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. Mark 11:22

I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. John 14:12

We live by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7

Are we seeing a common theme here??

FAITH...!!!

Yes, this week God has been speaking to me a lot about "having faith" in HIM. From messages at church, to emails, to various blogs I've been reading, to conversations with friends, to a few down right nasty two by fours that really hurt- but did wake me up. He's letting me know that I need to start trusting in HIM fully, without reservation, without even the smallest bit of doubt. He's telling me, "Step out of the boat, reach out your hand to Me-- trust Me, I won't let you fall."

For months-- ok, years-- I've been praying for God to lead me into ministry, "I want to serve You Lord... show me the way... open doors for me... use me for Your Glory." Now, I know that ALL prayers are heard and answered in some way-- but truthfully I've been struggling with my seemingly lack of direction with my calling. I've taken the School of Healing Prayer classes (even though the topics sometimes terrified me) and I've joined the Order of St Luke to learn about healing. I've attended church each week- several times a week, I've done mission projects, I've witnessed to others about the love of our wonderful God... I've been obedient-- or so I thought.

God showed me clearly this week, that the one element that I haven't been obedient in is TRUSTING HIM... oh yah...!!!

We can to the "outward" obedient stuff- which is all good, but what He really wants is our heart! ...oh yah...!!!

This weekend I'm going to be stepping out of that boat and reaching out my hand to Him in absolute trust... I cant say I'm not a bit scared... not so much about whether or not He'll provide, but I guess rather about what others will think- and as I write this I realize that the only thing that matters is what God thinks... if He knows that my heart is HIS... all will be well with my soul.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Galatians 2:20

Thankful Thursday-

2009-05-14T15:38:00.006-04:00

The Little Things

This is my first Thankful Thursday post, although I'm thankful for all of my blessings each and every day, and let God know that every opportunity that I have.

Thank you God for the little things...

for purring kitties who love to cuddle and help me type :-)

for rainy days like today (although could do without the wind) that bless my garden.

for the love I receive from my wonderful boyfriend, who knows when to push, (and push and push...) and when to stop and give me space.

for the inner peace (God's peace) knowing that a difficult (almost impossible) decision I've made is the absolutely right one.

for the deep knowledge (clearly from God) that in spite of the difficulties that decision will likely cause- I must always , "consider the lilies".

for the most wonderful church family ever... I love you CTK Sunday Chapel!

for the most wonderful priests on the Earth, who guide, love, inspire and pray with us... I love you Fr Nigel and Fr Joe!!

for the smell of lilacs which fill my back yard and fill me with wonderful memories of my dear Mom.

for sunrises, and the chance to start again

for chocolate dipped strawberries (a really thoughtful gift from my boyfriend)

for incredible friends- just because...

for the indulgence of a loooonnnngggg hot bath after a loooooonngggg day of yardwork etc.

for a big bottle of orange kool-aid... don't know why this makes me happy, but it does!

for the incredible blessing of having God at the center of my heart, working each and every day for HIS Glory!!

20 Of My Favorite Things

2009-05-12T15:29:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite past times is "blog browsing". I love to read what others are thinking about and doing. More often than not it inspires me to do, or make, or learn, or think, or grow...! Today I stumbled upon this blog and read about her 20 Favorite Things and decided that would be a fun topic for blogging today.

Happy Tuesday everyone! (Tomorrow- "Wordless Wednesday")

20 Of My Favorite Things

1. Color- periwinkle blue
2. Dessert- chocolate anything
3. Smell- my boyfriend's aftershave :-)
4. Flower- lilac (and lily of the valley and forget-me-nots)
5. Animal- cats and dogs
6. Month- June
7. Beverage- homemade lemonade
8. Pair of shoes- my black clogs
9. Snack- "Mommy Crack Dip" (you MUST try this-- go now... now!)
10. Song- Days of Elijah
11. Book- The Bible (and Book of Common Prayer... and Hand to Hand: From Combat to Healing by Fr Nigel)
12. Fruit-fresh cut pineapple
13. Hairstyle- pony tail when I'm in the garden, loose and comfy otherwise
14. Piece of clothing- my big ripped soft comfy sweater (only wear this at home)
15. Store to clothes shop- Sally R's :-)
16. Season- Spring
17. Hobby- water color painting
18. Thing to collect- frogs (ceramic)
19. Movie- The Sound of Music
20. Restaurant-Panara Bread-- the best chicken Caesar salad EVER!

Time to Start Living Again!

2009-05-11T17:31:00.003-04:00

I realized today that it's time to start living again--

It's time to move out of my darkness and look for the incredible Light of God that is always surrounding me, if I choose to seek it. I think I've been "enjoying" the safety of the darkness... but I realize now that nothing can grow in darkness.

It's time to trust in God, and go out on a limb and chase my dreams... as Fr Nigel said in church yesterday, "We have to go out on the limb- that is where the fruit is." His message yesterday, (although I didn't really "get it" until today) really inspired me to move forward with my dreams-- even if the process makes no sense what-so-ever. I fully expect criticism from friends- but I know they love me, so even though I'm likely to ignore their comments :-) they are appreciated. The process wont likely be an easy one-- but I'm trusting in God's words, "Consider the lilies..." I trust You Lord!!

This blog has been silent for too long-- all because I cared more about what someone (many someones) thinks, and less about what God thinks. That was wrong-- very wrong! To silence my passion for writing just because of a few "poorly timed" comments, was really putting the judgements of others above that of God. Lord, forgive me for this!

So life-- I'm back!! Darkness- go away, I'm living in the Light of the Living God.

Watch out world... here I come!!!

Who Do You Say I Am??

2008-08-22T12:51:00.007-04:00

I always try to look ahead to see what the scripture readings are for each Sunday. The gospel reading for this Sunday made me smile... it's Matthew 16:13-20

"When Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" And they said, "Some say John the Baptist, but others Elijah, and still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets." He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Simon Peter answered, "You are the Messiah, the Son of the living God." And Jesus answered him, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven." Then he sternly ordered the disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah."

What made me smile, is that about a year ago at the Tuesday healing services, Fr Nigel was talking about the idea of "who do you say I am", and what to tell someone who asks you why you believe. He gave us an assignment that day to write an essay on "who do you say I am"... the following is my response to that assignment....

Who do you say I am??

I know who you are, Lord…. You’re the Messiah- the King. I worship you and talk with you each and every Sunday and every day in between. You’re the Savior, the Only Begotten Son. You’re the Prince of Peace.

But who do YOU say I am?

Ok, I get it Lord…. Wow, now we’re getting personal, huh?

Who knows you the best? Who knows your heart? Who knows your words before you speak them? Who knows your tears before you cry them? Who lifts you when you fall? Who holds you up when you can't stand on your own? Who stands behind you when the world turns it's back on you?

You do, Lord…

Then who do you say I am?

You’re my rock when I have no strength. You’re my counselor, when I don’t know what to do. You’re my healer, when the pain is so horrible I just can’t go on.

There's more... keep going!

You’re my friend, when I feel completely alone and deserted. You’re my provider when the ends just don’t seem to be able to meet. You’re a strong shoulder to lay my head on when the exhaustion and tears overwhelm me. You’re my conscience when I’m headed in the wrong direction. You’re the loving Father I never really had. You’re my peace that passes understanding, when the battles of life get to be too much. You’re my candle in the darkness. You’re my cheerleader when I need encouragement.

There's one more, you're not done yet!

You’re my life, Lord. Without you I am nothing.

a tough day... but God hears my cries

2008-08-15T17:15:00.002-04:00

Today has been a bit of a tough day.... it started by my finding out that my unemployment benefits have run out.... yah so that kind of scared me--- alot!! I spent much of my day doing some serious job searching-- but after exhausting all my avenues for that- I felt the fears of my reality... there were tears... many many many. There were cries of anguish to God... many many many.

But God seldom leaves us empty... in my quiet and listening for His voice, he led me to my very own blog. I haven't been here in quiet a while. My eyes scanned down to previous posts and were drawn to my post about the Easter Vigil at CtK. As I began reading that, particularly about the LIGHT of CHRIST, I heard God's voice so clearly say to me, "I died for you-- and for this you must live... believe in me, trust me- I won't fail you."

Thank you Lord-- thank you! I love you Lord- you ARE my reason to live!!

Lord, Help Me Understand Your Ways

2008-05-29T10:55:00.004-04:00

For the last couple months I have had the privilege of praying for a precious two year old named Gabriella. This past fall Gabby was diagnosed with an extremely rare congenital disease called Neurocutaneous Melanosis. There is little known about it, and there is no known cure. It attacks the central nervous system in horrible and painful ways. I came to Gabby's website somehow through a link in my little hero Ben's website. I began praying for a miracle for her here on Earth. A little over a month ago, I was sitting in my usual spot at the Tuesday Healing Service at CtK and a beautiful family came in. After a few minutes, I realized the baby was Gabby. I was blown away to see this precious child that I'd been praying for from a distance, who was now sitting right in front of me.

This morning, as I always do, I checked her website. It broke my heart today, to find that sweet Gabby had earned her Angel Wings last night. While I rejoice that she is no longer in any pain and is running free with our Lord, my heart breaks at the loss of this beautiful little Angel.

Lord, help me understand Your ways? Help me understand how you were able to turn water into wine, feed the multitudes, walk on water... but you're unable to stop people- especially children from suffering and dying from horrible diseases!!! Lord, help me understand Your ways!!!!!

While I don't in any way doubt the love of our wonderful God or question that He really does know best, I just really struggle with the issue of suffering in children. I do believe though, that while today He is happily dancing with Gabby in Heaven, He is also weeping in compassion for those of us who are grieving the Earthly loss of a very special little girl!

God Bless You, Gabby. In the short time I knew you- you really touched and blessed my life! I will never forget you!!

A Fine Line

2008-04-22T15:52:00.002-04:00

Life itself is a bumpy road.... it twists.... it turns.... it goes uphill and down and sometimes the downhill is really steep and scary.... it passes beautiful meadows.... it passes dark and burned out vacant buildings.... it passes places of worship.... it passes places of hate.... it has dead ends.... it has detours- usually when we least expect them.... it has places to rest and receive refreshment and renewal.... it has places that drain the life from us....

In the middle of that road we find a line.... it's a line telling you that it's not safe to cross to the other side.... sometimes the line is double solid.... sometimes broken in places- where perhaps it might be safe to cross over for just a short time.... sometimes the line is broken on one side and solid on the other.... Either way it's telling you- "don't cross the line-- it's not safe!" But- what about the times when we do cross over that line, whether by mistake, or curiosity or necessity? What is the danger... what is it that the fine line is trying to protect us from? How do we know when it might be safe to cross over that line for a bit? Perhaps the most innocent little thing could be something that could harm us or scar us.... perhaps it might change our perspective on someone, or something- maybe in ways that we don't want to see or acknowledge.

Is God that fine line- that little voice inside our heads saying, "Don't cross that line!!".... our conscience?.... our moral being?.... our armour?....

It may be something as simple as a new way of looking at something, or perhaps as complex as a change in a relationship. But, if God puts that fine line there.... it's there for His reason.... not for us to question.... only for us to trust...

The Battle Belongs to the Lord-- the meaning of my new painting

2008-03-30T19:38:00.003-04:00

Tuesday night, after an afternoon/evening of spiritual attacks, I was in a bad and dark place emotionally. As I was praying, I had the vision of Jesus coming to me and praying for me. He laid His hands on my head, and prayed. As I looked up at Him, I noticed that He was wearing a white robe, which represented the resurrection. But then I noticed that He was still wearing the crown of thorns. He then said very clearly to me, “The battle is mine- let ME fight it.” As I continued to pray, and stress some more- the vision then led to Christ taking off the crown of thorns and placing it on MY head, which was more than a bit upsetting. I really didn’t understand that at all. The next morning, I felt led to draw and paint a picture of the crown of thorns. I drew/ painted as I was instructed, but still felt that there was something missing. At the same time, I was still very upset about the vision I’d had the night before. The day went on with no answers. The next morning, I headed up to CtK for an IPM (individual prayer ministry), an evening Healing Service and some quite time in the beauty and peace of CtK. As I was driving up, I got the “message” to paint a hand… my hand, in the picture of the Crown of Thorns. I didn’t understand it, but I knew to do it. I worked that afternoon, to add the hand- which turned out better than anything I’d really ever painted. I knew there was a message from God. I shared the completed painting with a few people, none of whom could figure out the meaning either. We joked that it was not something that people would probably want on their walls at home. I went home that night, still troubled by the original message with the crown of thorns and trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me in the painting. As I laid I bed praying, I heard God very clearly say to me… “The Battle is mine—but until you hand me over your pain, your stress, your worries, your problems I can’t fight the battle for you… I can’t take the crown of thorns from you. Give me the crown of thorns, which was intended to be mine” It was then that “I got it”… I saw my hand, as in the painting, remove the crown of thorns from my head- and hand it over to Christ- pain, stress, worries, problems and all. The Battle belongs to the LORD!

A quick PS-- for those of you reading this from the Albany NY area, this painting, as well as a few others of mine (as well as the work of many other talented artists) will be on display at the Christ the King Art Club Show and Sale. The show starts Friday, April 25th at 5pm- 8pm and ends Saturday, April 26th at (2-4pm). Dinner is available on Friday night at 6pm for $14.00. For directions and information take a look at the CTK website- www.ctkcenter.org

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

2008-03-26T01:25:00.002-04:00

The following song by Petra is very fitting in my life right now... can't go into details, but I know that the Battle Belongs to the LORD!!

In heavenly armour we'll enter the land
The battle belongs to the Lord
No weapon that's fashioned against us shall stand
The battle belongs to the Lord

We sing glory and honor Power and strength to the Lord (repeat)

The power of darkness comes in like a flood
The battle belongs to the Lord
He's raised up a standard, the power of His blood
The battle belongs to the Lord

When your enemy presses in hard do not fear
The battle belongs to the Lord
Take courage my friend, your redemption is near
The battle belongs to the Lord

Happy Easter!!

2008-03-23T11:33:00.004-04:00

Christ is Risen~~~

The Lord is Risen indeed-- ALLELUIA!!!!

This morning I experienced, what could only be described as, "indescribable". At 5:30 am (yes, I said AM), I sat in a darkened room with about 50 others to worship and celebrate our risen Lord through the service of "The Great Vigil of Easter". We began in total darkness- the sun had not yet begun to rise. We listened to readings: Genesis 1:1-22... the story of creation, Exodus 14:10-15... Israel's deliverance at the Red Sea, Ezekiel 37: 1-4... the valley of the dry bones, Zephaniah 3:12-20...the gathering of God's people, and finally John 19:31-24... the Crucifixion of Christ. After each reading, we sang an appropriate hymn- the most significant being the singing of "Were You There?", following the Gospel reading (there was hardly a dry eye in the room during this song). All this done, as I said earlier, in a darkened room... so powerful... so symbolic!!!

After this, we all processed outside for the Liturgy of Light. The procession was silent, so dignified, so spiritual! The sun was just beginning to rise- a perfect sunrise for a beautiful celebration! We gathered around a large pit, where the first fire was lit and blessed, and where the Christ candle (extinguished on Holy Thursday) was re-lit. It was a Holy moment!! As we processed back inside (into the sanctuary this time) led by dear Deacon Barbara carrying the Christ candle, we paused on occasion to sing the words, "The Light of Christ- Thanks be to God!" Back in the darkened sanctuary, we were each given a candle. As we processed down the center aisle, we were greeted by Deacon Barbara, Fr Joe and Fr Nigel (three of my very favorite people in the entire world). We each lit our candle off the beautiful glow of the Christ candle. As we sang, "Christ the Lord is Risen Today", little by little, the sanctuary began to glow with the Light of the Risen Christ-- it began to glow in my heart as well. It really was an incredible moment. The sanctuary was decorated beautifully- it echoed the joy that this day is all about. The service continued with a beautiful singing of the Exsultet (it's hard to explain... google it!) by Sr Mary Elizabeth. The words to this are so powerful, so meaningful! Next was more scripture: Acts 10:34-43, and Luke 24: 1-10... the Gospel of the Resurrection. As always, Fr Nigel's homily was wonderful... his words never fail to move me to my very core. His passion, excitement and love for Christ is so contagious... soon he had everyone shouting joyous "Alleluias". The love and excitement in the room was palpable!!

For me, the most meaningful part of any worship is the communion, but today- the day celebrating our Risen Lord, the moment of communion filled my heart with a love that I cannot put words to. Fr Nigel placed the host in my hand and said a warm blessing, and then looking into his eyes- I saw- and was filled with the absolute love of Christ!!! Thinking of this moment again, brings tears of joy to my eyes. It is a moment that I will not likely forget. As I returned to my seat, I stood and gazed upon the cross... upon the crown on Christ's head. My eyes filled with tears of joy. Thank you, Lord for this moment!

We concluded the service with more songs (12 in total today- we are blessed with an incredible music ministry- thank you Steve and Sr LilliAna). At the end, we were all given a beautiful plant by dear Nancy (Fr Joe's wife and one of the prayer team). As per Easter tradition at CtK, we all gathered for a delicious brunch in the Welcome Center- it was a time of friendship and fellowship... the perfect ending to the perfect morning.

Little did I know, however, that God was not done with me yet this morning.... I stayed at CtK for the weekend, mainly to avoid the long drive so early in the morning- but also to have a bit of a mini-retreat. After brunch, I decided to go for a walk before heading home. I found myself heading down the hill to the Healing Center... the chapel there is my favorite place in the whole world- I love spending time there in quiet and in prayer- the peace of this chapel is one that passes understanding and description!! I realized that Fr Nigel was there, so entered quietly, so not to interrupt. But, as always, he welcomed me with love and friendship. He is such a busy man, it's hard to find time to engage in a quiet social conversation with him-- but that is what God blessed me with today. God has so blessed me with the gift of Fr Nigel in my life, as an incredible spiritual role model. As I walk my spiritual path, ever mindful of my calling- I look, listen to and learn from this wonderful man of God. Today's conversation encouraged me even more in my calling (I know that was God's intention!) I also made the difficult decision today to slowly move away from my Methodist upbringing and begin the steps to officially become part of the Episcopal Church. It's a lengthy process, as Fr Nigel described- but one I know in my heart is right for me at this time. I don't want to ever leave the Methodist church completely-- but the doctrine and beliefs of the Episcopal church, are, I'm finding more in line with my own.

Today was an amazing, incredible, faith-filled, Christ-filled, Holy, love-filled day! Thank you, God for the gift of Your Son- and for the Healing power found at the foot of the Cross!

Christ is Risen~~

The Lord is Risen indeed-- ALLELUIA!!!

Palm Sunday... Holy Week Begins

2008-03-16T17:21:00.002-04:00

Today is Palm Sunday- the beginning of the most Holy week of the year. As I sat in church today, amidst the joyous shouts of "Hosanna, Hosanna", my heart could not stop feeling a twinge of sadness. Today we celebrated Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem. But my mind could not help but look at the week ahead... Holy Thursday where Christ shared in His final meal with His disciples, and then lovingly washed their feet, knowing that some of them would betray Him.... Good Friday where our Lord was crucified and died- for us-- for ME. How could my heart not feel deep anguish?

This afternoon, I began to reflect on this week. How would today have been different if I didn't know of the events that followed? I imagined being one of those who came out to greet Him with palm branches, shouting "Hosanna" (meaning "save"). The joy of seeing the man who could raise the dead, heal the sick, love the unlovable... I think it would be a most overwhelming moment. But then I think about being one of His disciples (as we all are) and sharing in a meal with Him and then later having Him wash my feet. I think of the love, and feel almost unworthy of that love. (I will be attending a foot washing on Holy Thursday, and the just the thought of Father Nigel- who to me is a living, loving example of the living, loving Christ- washing my feet already moves me to tears.) I think of Good Friday- I see myself as one who stopped to help Him, to wipe His blood stained face, and later to watch him nailed to a cross. I can imagine the pain of seeing this wonderful man in agony, would be more than I could bear.

As Holy Week begins, my heart beats with sadness, my mind quiets and focuses on thoughts of God's amazing love and His sacrifice for us all. Christ tells is in the Gospel of John, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Never in all of the world, has there been a better example of "greater love" than the sacrifice of our Lord. It is a love that passes understanding. It is a love that has changed my life.

Jesus' Hands on Earth

2008-02-16T16:33:00.006-05:00

Today was Ginny's funeral. As predicted the church was full. It was a gathering filled with love and gratitude to God for the life of this amazing woman. As Ginny had requested, it contained her favorite hymns, and included a beautiful rendition of "How Great Thou Art" played by the bell choir, of which she was part of for many years. It seemed strange not to see her standing there with a bell in her hand. As difficult as it was, it was a beautiful service.

In the homily given by Pastor David, he spoke of a conversation he had with Ginny last Sunday- just hours before God took her home. He had asked her about regrets. She admitted that she had some- things like she wished she'd been a better mom (I can't think of a better mom), she wished she'd been a better friend (I can't think of a better friend) and others.... but one she said really hit a cord with me- she said that she regretted that she would no longer be "Jesus' hands on Earth". WOW!!! It occurred to me that that should be the goal of each and every Christian!!! It's our job to spread His love, His healing, His message... to do His work- helping the poor, leading the lost, bringing Light where there is darkness, reaching out a hand of comfort to the hurting. If not us... then who?

In honor and in memory of Ginny- I commit myself- today and every day to being "Jesus' hands on Earth"

Here I am Lord!!!

An Incredible Weekend!!!

2008-02-10T12:37:00.001-05:00

This past August, on the way home from the incredible retreat that Jeanne and I went to in Ogdensburg, God gave me a vision. This weekend, that vision became reality. He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to bring the women of Calvary (my Latham church) together for a weekend retreat-- to worship together, pray together and rejoice in our bonds of Christian friendship. He didn't tell me what to do, or how to do it.... only to make it happen. My first thought (and I said it out loud to Jeanne) was, "Ok Lord, whatever You want".... my second thought, which I said with even more panic was, "Oh Lord... what did I just agree to??!!" Over the next few months, I began putting together a theme, (A Celebration of Christian Friendship)- and an incredible team of women to lead the weekend. Registration was full almost immediately, and excitment began to grow. The team worked hard, to put together what we believed would be a Christ centered weekend. We were all passionate about what we believed needed to be included in the weekend- and admittedly there were times when that caused some difficulty in our planning. But, somehow (with God's help) we were able to move past our differences, put aside our disagreements and come together. We (with God's mighty help) planned a weekend that not only brought eighteen women together in Christian love-- but truely glorified God in every way! He was present among us-- laughing with us, crying with us, singing with us, making a snowlady with us, playing games with us, walking with us, resting with us, baking cookies with us, eating (and eating and eating) with us, learning and growing with us. He rejoiced in our worship, in our time of Holy Communion- in our praises to Him. He bound each of us together with heart cords- HIS cords, that will never be broken....
"BIND US TOGETHER, Lord, Bind us together
With cords that cannot be broken.
Bind us together, Lord,Bind us together,
Bind us together with love.
There is only one God,
There is only one King;
There is only one Body,
That is why we sing:
BIND US TOGETHER, Lord, Bind us together
With cords that cannot be broken.
Bind us together, Lord,Bind us together,
Bind us together with love."

prayer request

2008-02-05T08:33:00.000-05:00

I have a brief, but important prayer request... Would you all please keep Ginny in your prayers? She's an old friend from my (Latham) church and is fighting a nasty battle with cancer and kidney failure right now. She's in the hospital (St Peters) in tremendous pain. She's an incredible faith filled lady, who really doesn't deserve all she's going through. I believe that God will heal her-- even if it is in the "ultimate healing".

2/11/08 SAD UPDATE: Just got the word that Ginny died last night. As much as it hurts to loose this incredible woman, I find relief and comfort in knowing that she is no longer in pain. The last few days I've been praying for her, asking/telling God that if He couldn't heal her hurting, then to bring her Home. Please pray for her children Sue and Andy- I'm sure they're in horrible pain right now. Services are this weekend- I know the church will be packed.

Silent Retreat- Part 3

2008-02-01T07:45:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay on "part 3"-- had intended on doing this yesterday, but work was actually busy for a change (though they still can't manage to keep our paychecks from bouncing!).... getting ready for a busy day today with church (Latham church) stuff.... and oh yah... Happy Birthday to Me!! (a ps before I begin... spell check is still not working in Blogger... my spelling skills need healing!)

Specific events of the retreat:

Began the retreat with communion with Father Joe (he's the other priest on Sunday)- it was an open service, but there were only five of us there. It was very nice- very intimate. It seemed like a great way to begin a process that I hoped would bring me closer to God. (Mission accomplished!) I spent the rest of the day sitting in Barry House reading, crocheting, praying and listening. At first it was a little uncomfortable, but I soon settled into the silence and grew to really enjoy it! After dinner (and I need to add that the food there was incredible- salmon for dinner, omlette for breakfast) I was in my room praying and happened to look out my window. The stars in the sky were beautiful-- God was calling me for an evening walk. He and I walked down by the pond, and up to the prayer walk by the Healing Center. I just sat on the bench, and marveled at God's amazing creation! The stars filled the skies- I don't remember ever seeing so many in my life. I just praised God for this gift of beauty!!! After my walk, I knelt by the fireplace (over which is a crucifix) and wept. I didn't know why I was weeping- but it felt ok, like a healing release. I think I needed that. I spent the rest of the evening talking- (not exactly praying) with God... just like I would a friend, He is after all! I did some writing, some reading (the Book of Common prayer has some REALLY beautiful prayers in it!) and lots of thinking. I can't say I got a ton of sleep- God kept waking me with incredible words and messages- but I wouldn't trade those messages for anything!

I started the morning (at sunrise) in the Healing Center chapel. As I've said before, this chapel is my very favorite place in the entire world!!! I just sat on the floor in front of the altar and felt God's amazing love surrounding me and filling me! It was incredible! I could stay there forever! My morning continued with that same feeling of peace and love. After I checked out of Barry House, I went back to the Healing center to await my time of communion with Father Nigel. It was more time to sit in the chapel and bathe in that incredible peace. By this time I was becoming emotional- overwhelmed with all the messages from God... understanding some.... not understanding some. When communion began, so began my tears. Without warning, they just began pouring out of me- I could not stop them, nor did I try. I knew I was safe in the presence of God and with my friends Father Nigel and Sandra, with whatever I was feeling. For you "regular" readers, you already know the story of why communion is so special to me. (Those of you who don't know the significance, you can read my post from September 30th... http://youwantmetodowhatlord.blogspot.com/2007/09/hour-i-first-believed.html ) As I shared in the Body and Blood of Christ- I again felt Him fill me with love, with peace and with His healing presence! Nothing compares to that!!! Following communion, I spoke briefly with Father Nigel and Sandra about my twenty four hours, and life in general. Their words were filled with love, healing and encouragment. Their words were from Christ. One really wonderful thing that happened, was when I'd asked them to pray for my tinnitus. (I've been suffering from this and hearing loss, since a teen when my father smacked me, quite hard, over the side of my head) I'd been trying to forgive my father for this- (it was the last thing I needed to forgive him for) and had been trying to do what Father Nigel refers to as "healing of memories", where you put Jesus in the picture asking Him to step in and heal the memory. Anyway- when Nigel layed his hand over my ear and prayed, I quickly realized that it was not his hand- but rather the hand of Christ, blocking the memory of my father's hand hurting me. It was an incredible moment!!!! The tears flowed freely from my eyes... there were hugs all around and more love than I think I'd ever felt in my life. I left my retreat, exhausted- but filled and renewed.

I spent my afternoon at home resting and catching up on some (Calvary) retreat planning. That evening, I went back up to CtK with Jeanne and Debbie for the evening Taize service. I'd never been to a Taize service before- but I'm SO glad I went. It was a beautiful service- candle light, peace-filled with incredible music. Nigel's homily was wonderful- although I could not tell you all of what it was about, because when he started to speak about forgiveness, I heard my father's voice say, "I'm sorry". (Yes, more tears!) The agony of the years of abuse was finally completely gone!! At the end of the service, I couldn't wait to share with Father Nigel about my healing.... we together thanked God and shared a warm hug. God is SO good!!!

Yes, my time away was all and more than I could have hoped for. I received healing, incredible messages from God, LOVE (more than I could have imagined)- and re-comitted my life to Christ and His calling on my life. I received a renewing of spirit, mind and body.

Thank you God!!!

And thank you kind people for your prayers and love!!!

Silent Retreat- Part 2

2008-01-31T14:07:00.000-05:00

"Speak Lord, for your servant is listening."

This is the scripture that I spent much of my twenty four hours praying. God heard, and yes, He spoke.

To start from the beginning- I did survive- AND can't wait to do it again!! (It's my hope to do this AT LEAST every three months!) It's an experience that I would whole-heartedly reccommend to anyone. Was it easy?... Not by a long shot! There were a ton of tears, a ton of anxiety and a ton of new questions. "Why would anyone want to do it again", I hear you asking.... Why? Because the end result is a peace that passes understanding- a renewed faith, a renewed energy, a renewed love and committment to God and His calling in my life. We have to walk through the darkness to then walk in the light.

The "God planned theme" for the retreat seemed to be LIGHT and LOVE. Many of the messages God gave me had to do with light, and even my conversation with Father Nigel focused on LIGHT- to the point where he had me sit on a chair in the chapel, bathing in God's bright light and love. The LOVE that I felt, (God's love and the love of my fellow Christians) was palpable. (My fur babies show love- but in a subtle furry way and I wouldn't trade it for the world!) Every time I ran into someone I knew- from the hospitality staff, to Father Nigel- I felt the absolute love of Christ pouring from their hearts into mine. At the end of the communion, Sandra (the program coordinator for the Healing Center) told me that "so many people there care about and love me". I don't know why- but this just caused me to burst into tears of joy. I know I knew it-- but hearing it just really blessed my heart. (Thank you Sandra!)

Random thoughts/ messages:

**Things look different in the light.

**As I was sitting in the beautiful sunroom in Barry House, there was a nasty hornet that was REALLY bothering me. The very odd thing about all of this is my history there (in that same room) with hornets... back in October when I was sitting there chatting with Father Nigel about a time of reconciliation, a hornet was almost attacking me. Yesterday, while praying and re-committing my life to God- the creature was attacking me again. Now here's the strange part- this morning when I woke up and went to sit there with my tea- it was laying dead in front of the chair. When I mentioned the hornet to the housekeeper, she said it was very odd- because they do have them there-- but usually only in the WARM months. (It was anything but warm there!) Hmmmmmm!!!!!?????????

**An odd dream--- reminicent of the story of Samuel in the Bible, God spoke to me in the middle of the night. My dream was of a water color painting- done just of paint droplets, But then, God added, "You have given me what is there, give me what is not there" (HUH?). As if that wasn't confusing enough- God then said (oh so clearly), "Do it NOW". In my dream state, I ignored Him-- but He kept at it, "Do it NOW". By this time, I was waking up enough to tell God I was tired, and I'd do it in the morning... "Do it NOW". Ok, Lord- You win! So yes, I was wide awake at 3am, painting a very odd- God directed painting of various colors of paint droplets. After completing it, looking at it, and remembering what He'd said about, "...give Me what is not there",- I was even more confused. I had Father Nigel look at the painting at communion, and he managed to figure it out- explaining that it was my life, my relationships and my healing. But even he couldn't understand the message. He figured that God will reveal that to me in time.

**Trust My Light
Listen to My Hope
Remember My Love
Believe

**Fully believing He will heal me,
I listen in faith, and come out of the darkness and chaos
into His loving and peaceful Light.

**Look past the darkness. Look for the Light.

**New birth
My choice
Inner transformation
Bless me Lord
Inspire me Lord
Help me to remember that from dark comes courage
It's part of the journey
But You, Great Spirit
Give serenity through it all

Hmmmmmm!!!!

Ok, so this post is getting LONG! (Sorry!) Lot's more to tell, so this will be continued tomorrow.

Thanks for the prayers, kind people!!

PS- Spell check is not working-- spelling is not one of the gifts that God gave me... sorry for any boo boos!!

Silent Retreat

2008-01-29T21:31:00.000-05:00

Bright and early tomorrow morning, I will be beginning a twenty-four hour silent retreat... just me and God- no phones, no computers, no church work, no work work!

When I tell my friends that I'll be doing this- their first reaction is, "better you than me". Even my (Latham) pastor tells me that of our large congregation, he can only think of about three people that could handle silence for that length of time- one of those was me, one other was him. My friends are supportive though, and all have offered to be covering me in prayer throughout the twenty-four hours.

What will this retreat look like? Why the heck am I doing it? Well, the first question is the easier of the two to answer.... my time (at CtK- my Greenwich church), will be largely unstructured. I'll be bringing my Bibles, a notebook, and my watercolor paints (God has been speaking to me quite loudly thorough my paintings lately). I'll spend my time in prayer, in quiet and listening, in reading, in painting and in resting. The twenty-four hours will end with private communion with Father Nigel. Following that, I'll head home to get a few hours of rest, and then head back up with Jeanne and Debbie for an evening Taize service. Why am I doing this??? That question isn't quite as easy to answer... I think the bottom line is that God is leading me to this- I am simply being obedient. Beyond that, I am needing time and quiet to find some answers that I may or may not discover in my silence. I have also been VERY stressed with the many things I have going on with church lately (watch for a post next week about the "First Annual Calvary All- Church Woman's Retreat"). Yesterday, I counted my meetings lately- with the exception of the next two days in Greenwich, I will have had meetings or church events for twenty three consecutive days!!! Yes, I'm needing a break right now. So the time in Greenwich, (where I will be leaving my retreat folder and work at home) will give me the time away to refresh and renew, so that I will come back to the church events with a new energy and faith.

I guess that was a long way of saying that I expect (pray) the next two days will be a time of spiritual renewal for me- more specifically a time to re-commit to God. I'll report back on Thursday afternoon. Prayers please, kind people?

Five years... I miss you Mom!!

2008-01-11T12:11:00.002-05:00

Today is a sad day for me.... it's the five year anniversary of my dear Mom's death. While, I know she's happy in Heaven- reunited with her family and friends that have also passed on, my heart aches and I just long to hug her again- to hear her voice- to just be close.

In reality I think I lost Mom about eight years before she died. She was one of the many who suffered the fate of Alzheimer's disease. Most people know about the sadness of Alzheimer's, but without first hand knowledge there is now way to know the true horror of this horrible curse. Mom had always been one of the most cheerful, optimistic, gentle people on the face of the earth. Alzheimer's disease changed this completely. Over the course of the eight years, she became depressed- crying most of the time, she became angry (often violent)- at her disease, at everything and everyone around her. (I'll never forget the night that she became so confused that she insisted I was an intruder trying to hold her hostage- she went after me with a screw driver, trying with all her might to harm me.) She lost all short term memory, and much of her long term memory. For the last two years of her life, she had no clue who I was. The day I realized this, was truly the hardest day of my life- even harder than the day she died. I knew right then, that the person I knew as "Mom", was indeed a stranger. I like to think that her soul went to Heaven long before her body did. In the end of her life, there was no real soul left- this horrible disease had robbed her of that. It robbed her of any quality of life. It robbed ME of the most wonderful Mom in the world!!! Yes, there is a lot of anger in my heart at the horrible agony of this disease.

But, in the midst of all of my pain and anger- there is one thing I am certain of- THERE IS NO ALZHEIMER'S IN HEAVEN!!!!!! Yes, I really do miss my Mom- but I also rejoice in the fact that she is no longer in pain, no longer sad and crying.
Here is a YouTube video that I made in memory of Mom. Hope you enjoy getting to know my wonderful Mom!!

ASK??????!!!!!!???????

2008-01-04T02:01:00.000-05:00

I went to the evening healing service in Greenwich last night, and although surrounded by people I love- I left, not only with a migraine, but with more anger and frustration.

The homily was all about asking God. "If we ask, we receive", Fr Nigel kept saying, "we have to ask first". HELLO!!!!!! I AM ASKING!!!

What he didn't address was, those times when we don't receive answers. He made it sound so simple- and maybe it is... for other people, but clearly not for me!!! Do you need to be on God's "A list" to receive answers to your prayers?? If that's the case, I'm clearly on God's "Y or Z list"...!!!! I believe that I live a Christian life-- trying hard to do what is right, helping others, attending church weekly, praying without ceasing- for myself and others, putting God first in my life... I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong-- why is God not hearing me? Is there a trick to praying that I'm not aware of?

According to Biblegateway.com the Bible has 155 references to prayer. This morning, inspite of the stabbing pain in my head (again, I ASKED God to heal my migraine, but no...) I looked briefly at all 155. Not one gave me a clue to what I'm doing wrong- they all made it sound SO darn simple!!! Honestly, kind people, I'm getting tired of ASKING!

Fr Nigel, in his homily, refered to a "quote" about asking that he'd been "taught" in boarding school.... "If you ask, you won't get, if you don't ask you won't get- so don't ask." As sad as it sounds, I actually related to that quote... Fr Nigel went on to say that in God's case all we have to do is ask... yah, sure!!!

Ok well the head is really pounding (a knife in the back of my head, best describes my pain right now) and I'm starting to see double... all normal migraine stuff. I think I'll pop some MORE tylenol, grab an icepack (great in -10 weather) and try again to ASK God to heal me of this agony. I'll report back if I receive relief. Nighty night (ah, good morning?) kind people...

thoughts...

2007-12-30T15:37:00.000-05:00

Let me start out by saying that I am in a seriously foul mood today!!!! I don't know if it's PMS, menopause, life in general, or all of the above-- but I'm best kept away from humanity today (the kind people at church will vouch for that... sorry kind people!). Even the dogs ran for cover when they heard me pounding on pillows and yelling at the computer. It's not that the computer has done anything specifically wrong (although it is a computer), nor has the pillow- they just happened to be in my way at the wrong moment.

That said-- I spent my entire drive home from Greenwich today sobbing-- not at anything that happened during the service, but at a "displaced anger", which I now realize hurt not only myself this morning, but also someone else... (sorry Fr Nigel!). When the tears finally cleared, so did my mind. God revealed to me the source of my anger, and why I was taking it out on dear Fr Nigel, who really didn't deserve it. This last year has been pretty much a living hell-- with my job problems, car problems, kitty sicknesses/death, childhood flashbacks, various health problems, relationship (and lack of) problems, neighbor problems and financial challenges (phew...I'm drained just writing about it) -- let's just say that I'm beyond exhausted- physically, emotionally and spiritually!!! During the year, I've held relatively firm to my faith and still am-- but honestly admit that I'm a bit angry with God for His often lack of response (at least in my eyes) to my regular cries for help. Ok, so what does this have to do with "displaced anger"?? Well, as near as I can figure (and comments here are welcome), I see Fr Nigel as the most Christ-like person I've ever had the wonderful privilege of knowing... his eyes are filled with the love of Christ, his hands possess the gift of healing through Christ, his words possess the wisdom of Christ and his life reflects the evidence of the living Christ. So, you may be wondering what is the issue here? The problem is, that with my anger at God right now- I'm looking at Fr Nigel and seeing the evidence of the living Christ-- a tangible and living presence and representation of this God who for whatever reason does not want to answer my cries for help. I know that my anger is being displaced-- I know that what I really need to do is go the to very top of the "mountain" at CtK and scream my brains out-- AT GOD!

As I write this, I'm reminded of the story in the Bible about Abraham and Issac... Abraham is told to go to the mountain and sacrifice his son Issac... with heavy steps Abraham obeys God and goes to the the mountain ready to sacrifice his son-- but pleased with Abraham's obedience, at the last minute God provides the lamb. They called the mountain, "the mountain of God will provide". Is God leading me to the mountain? If I fall on my knees in His presence, on the mountain-- will He provide?

I'll end this post, at least for now, with an apology to Fr Nigel. I love you with all my heart, my dear brother in Christ. Please forgive me (again) for hurting you.

Well, I'm still in a foul mood- I think I will be until I can deal with this anger at God. So for now, I'm going to climb into a long hot bath and then curl up on the sofa with a good movie, a big glass of wine and some freshly baked brownies. A little self indulgence never hurt. The dogs have come out of hiding, and the pillow and computer have survived the day. Thanks to whoever is reading this for listening, loving and praying!! Happy New Year (almost) kind people!!!

Missing the point... (a rant, of sorts!)

2007-12-27T20:04:00.000-05:00

Let me begin this post by first apologizing to Fr Nigel for what I'm about to say... this will likely sound harsh, but it is meant with love and constructive criticism.

Tonight was the monthly scheduled evening healing service at my Greenwich church. With Tuesday's healing service being cancelled due to Christmas, I was really looking forward to tonight's service. It was snowing a bit, but not enough to concern me. The roads were wet, but really ok. When I arrived at the church, actually a "city on a hill", I began to be concerned-- there was not a car in sight at the chapel. I reversed, and headed to the welcome center, to be greeted with a sign that the service had been cancelled due to weather. (What weather? We're in the northeast, it snows- we're used to it!!) Ok, so not only didn't I know about the cancellation, but I drove two full hours (round trip) and used a full quarter of a tank of gas. Yah, this part really annoyed me- but as I calmed down a bit and really thought about the situation-- what reallllllllllllly began to anger and sadden me were the many opportunities that Fr Nigel and his staff had lost tonight to heal, to lead people to know this wonderful man Christ, to comfort, to love!!!

Not to compare- but rather to give a thought to think on to Fr Nigel.... My Latham church has a wonderful policy. They will not cancel any worship services, no matter how bad the weather is, no matter how "low" they think the numbers might be. Pastor David believes that if even one person makes it to church-- that is church. That is one person that can be touched by the Holy Spirit, one person to be ministered to, one more opportunity to share God's love. The following was in Calvary's mid week message this week-- I think it's appropriate to share in this particular post... credit to Pastor David for a great story!!!

"On the Saturday night before the service, there was a horrible ice, sleet and snow storm. First came the ice, coating all surfaces with a good half-inch of frozen danger. Then came the sleet, adding weight to tree limbs and power lines. Finally came the snow, covering everything in winter beauty. Fortunately, we did not lose power. So naturally, I bound up my sermon and copy of the bulletin, put on my boots, gloves and winter coat, and started out early, to walk the mile and a half to church. There I found the father of family A, shoveling the side walks, and the father of family B, clearing and salting the steps.

Now you have to know that family A and family B did not like each other. The members of the families rarely spoke to each other, and indeed sat on opposite sides of the sanctuary. When it was time to begin worship, the ten of us entered the sanctuary: four from family A, five from family B, and myself. As there were so few of us, I asked that we all move to the front. Naturally, family A and family B sat on opposite sides of the center aisle in the front row.

The service was a quiet event. I think there was as much ice in that frozen congregation, as there was in the winter wonderland outside.

The last carol was God Rest You Merry, Gentlemen. Together we sang it as best we could. As you may know, the last verse goes like this:

Now to the Lord sing praises, all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all other doth deface.
O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy!

For the Benediction which followed, I said words to this effect. You are among the most faithful and loving families in our church. You are the two families who made it through the bad weather to worship, and the two families who have cleared the steps and walks. Why don't we all take the advice of the verse we just sang, And with true love and brotherhood, each other now embrace! The steps were slow, the hugs were hesitant, never-the-less, each one of us hugged everyone else."

What if Pastor David had cancelled church? Would this ministry opportunity ever come again?

When you "cancel" church- how many opportunities may have been lost-- how many opportunities will you NEVER again get back?

I believe that God rejoices any time a person enters a house of worship- and lends an ear, and countless opportunities to reach... touch... heal- to the largest of congregations as well as the the smallest of congregations, even those of one or two. (For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them!)

Now, as I end this "rant", I pray that God will give back the opportunities for healing, loving, and leading the hurting, that were lost tonight. I pray that Fr Nigel and his wonderful staff will think twice the next time snow flakes decide to fly, or registration is low for a retreat or event, or the "numbers" aren't consistently high for a particular gathering. God is there....and God plus one is a majority!!!

My Baby Bandit

2007-12-25T17:01:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow night will be one week that my sweet girl has been gone. I still think I hear her, or see her sleeping on my bed-- I have to look twice, and then realize it's her baby (big baby now) Toes, who looks very much like her. My heart sinks at those moments-- she really is gone.

Bandit was a special girl. Everyone that knew her would say that. Eleven years ago, Bandit arrived at my back door, meowing for some food. Never one to resist a hungry kitty, I fed her and sat with her while she ate. When she'd finished, she took off- I figured to do what outside cats do. But instead, within a few minutes she was back- this time with a tiny kitten in her mouth. With no hesitation, she handed me over the mewing ball of fur- and was off again. Again, she was back with another kitten. This happened one more time-- a total of three precious kittens. The trust she had in me- to just hand me her babies was amazing. I wish I could learn that kind of trust. I didn't know where she and her babies had come from, but I knew from the young age of the kittens that they were likely strays. I took all four of them into my home, with the intention of finding them good homes. Well, that never happened- so Bandit (named because of the black mask over her eyes), Precious (named because she is- a beautiful calico), Meme (named because of his kitten meow- me me) and the infamous Toes (named because his favorite toy as a kitten was- yes, my toes) all became a part of my wonderful fur family. Bandit was a perfect Mama. She cared for her babies, teaching them right from wrong and grooming and feeding them as they needed. Even until her death last week, she was still a sweet and loving Mama.

Several years ago, when receiving an xray for her asthma, we discovered that she had been shot at some point in her stray life. The pellet was still wedged in her abdomen. I can't tell you how sick this made me!!! God forgive me for the hateful thoughts I've had against whoever it was that hurt this sweet kitty. I realized then, what a strong and brave baby I had.

Bandit was very friendly and very verbal. She'd greet visitors at the door, with a meow and a snuggle. She was never afraid of visiting the vet office-- when Dr Wolfe (her favorite doctor) would come in the exam room, he'd sit down on the exam table and she'd run over and curl up in his lap. At home, she was my little therapist. If I was having a bad day, all I had to do was call her name once and she'd come running to me with a sweet meow. She'd sit in my lap and let me cry or talk, responding with an occasional meow- just to let me know she was listening. I miss that SO much right now!!!

Three weeks ago, when she'd had her spinal embolism and could no longer walk, I'd pick her up to hold her in bed with me. She'd lay her head on my chest and purr and purr and purr!!! We'd just cuddle and talk for hours. Occasionally she'd look up into my eyes with the most amazing love!! Those were moments I will NEVER ever forget!!! Hers was the most amazing and deep form of love I've ever experienced.

How do I move on from this pain- this incredible loss? The only pain that has ever equaled this, is the loss of my dear Mom- almost exactly five years ago. A lot of people tell me that she was old and to get over it-- but I can't. I lost my baby.

An awsome God

2007-12-21T13:31:00.000-05:00

I was really beginning to give up on any hope for a happy Christmas.

This week alone has been one to try my heart to it's very depth... I have been seriously questioning God's existence- primarily due to unanswered prayer and real hardships lately.

Things have been more than difficult financially lately, to the point where I wasn't sure if I could even afford the gas to get to church on Christmas eve. Then, this past Wednesday night my sweet Bandit went to Heaven. She'd been doing so well-- this was totally unexpected. It's not since the death of my sweet Mom has my heart hurt so much- who knew that grief could be so physically painful!!!

I've been crying out to God with all my heart. I am indeed broken! But-- my faith has been tried-- I still believe in God... in His goodness and His love. I realized today that He meets us at our broken-ness. He meets us at our point of need- and not before- not until we are truly on our knees.

Today, I received a taste of God's goodness.... I'm currently at work (my manager keeps adding sporadic days for me, and although I find frustration in the lack of Christianity in the office, I thank God for the extra paycheck). A little while ago, the building landlord came in to collect his rent. Joe is a good Christian man-- we often have wonderful discussions about God's grace and love. Today's discussion, was one of frustration on my part, continually saying, "keep reminding me, Joe". I shared with him about my job issues and frustrations with my position here, to which he kept telling me that I'm here for a reason and to use the opportunity to witness to others about God's grace, mercy and healing love. There must have been something in my eyes or words-- or perhaps God speaking to Joe- because a little while later, his secretary popped in the office with an envelope. Inside, was a handwritten note reminding me that "all things are possible with God"--as well as $500.00 in cash! Yes, I burst into tears!!! She and I prayed together, asking God to renew my heart and spirit. Surrounded by travel brochures, computers and ticket printers, I finally realized that God had met me at my broken-ness. It's not to say that this money will solve all my problems by a long shot-- but I'll have gas to get to church, I'll have food on the table on Christmas and many days after that. I've never asked God for abundance-- I've just asked Him to meet my basic needs, and after a taste of broken-ness and a dose of humbleness-- He has! Thank you God!!!

Merry Christmas and God Bless us Everyone!!!!

The Quiet Center

2007-12-09T12:43:00.000-05:00

Come and find the quiet center
in the crowded life we lead,
find the room for hope to enter,
find the frame where we are freed:
clear the chaos and the clutter,
clear our eyes, that we can see
all the things that really matter,
be at peace, and simply be.

This is the first verse of one of the hymns we sang at church today. It happens to be one of my very favorites and I've sung it many times- both in church and at home, but for some reason I never associated it with Christmas... until today.

How many of us are rushing around right now- trying to complete every little detail to make Christmas perfect. How many of us are over spending our budgets, maxing out our credit cards- trying to find gifts for people who we hope will appreciate our efforts. How many of us are counting the days til the madness is over?

How many of us spend time sitting before the manger each and every day-- remembering the true meaning of this season?

This year my Christmas will be different. Due to the loss of my job, and severe financial difficulties- there won't be gifts under the tree (there won't even be a tree). There won't be my usual "secret Santa" visit to an animal shelter. There won't be lights outside or decorations inside.

What there will be is my beautiful nativity, given to me by my dear Mom several years before she died. There will be a Christmas nail, hanging nearby. There will be a copy of the words to today's hymn. There will be candles, symbolizing the light of Christ.

It's in the true meaning of Christmas that I intend to focus my eyes and heart over the next few weeks. In many ways, I'm thankful that God is helping me focus on HIM this Christmas. Yes, I wish that I could provide my friends with wonderful gifts, and that the animal shelter would again receive their gifts from "Santa". But to know-- REALLY KNOW, the meaning of this season is a gift to me from God that at this time in my life is far more priceless than any material gifts I could give or receive.

Come and find the quiet center
...Peace be still...
in the crowded life we lead,
...Are we too busy to hear Your voice, Lord?...
find the room for hope to enter,
...Is there room in OUR inn for You this year?...
find the frame where we are freed:
..."The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners..."
clear the chaos and the clutter,
...Prepare ye the way of the Lord...
clear our eyes, that we can see
...Open the eyes of our heart, Lord...
all the things that really matter,
...Happy Birthday Jesus...
be at peace, and simply be.
...And He will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, PRINCE OF PEACE...

My Grown Up Christmas List

2007-11-28T07:28:00.000-05:00

In thinking about the rapidly approaching holidays, Christmas in particular, I was reminded of the old song, "Grown Up Christmas List". That got me thinking about what I might wish for for Christmas-- "a prayer is merely a wish turned God-ward". So perhaps this post is actually a prayer...

Dear Santa (God)--
For Christmas this year I would like:

**peace-- in my heart, in my life, in my friends and in the world
**joy-- in my heart, in my life, in my friends and in the world
**a cure for cancer and Alzheimer's--
-----so that no one else may suffer the fate of these awful diseases
**answers to difficult questions
**an end to any form of child abuse or domestic abuse
**for God to reign in every heart
**for my faith to grow (right now, re-commit)
**to be absolutely content
**to learn to trust God more
**to learn again to trust humanity
**for my "babies" to have good health and happiness
**for my churches and their pastors to find growth and feel God mightily in all they do and for all their ministries to thrive, heal and bring many to Christ
**to find love
**for more opportunities to do for others-- hugging more, reaching our more, listening more, loving more,
**for healing of difficult memories surrounding Christmas, so I can again enjoy the beauty and love of this season
**for our world leaders to know Christ, and rule with Christ in their lives and hearts
**for those returning from the war to find peace and healing of memories
**for all wars to end
**to be less reserved and more confident about reaching out to strangers
**a new job where I can use the gifts God gave me and where I can feel appreciated and valued

here we go again...

2007-11-24T19:01:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I really hate asking for prayer from my friends, although I know they willingly and lovingly will pray for any needs... this is another of those moments.

Just when we get over the health crisis with Toes, his momma Bandit decides to get sick-- really sick! Last weekend, had her in to her doctor because I noticed a large mass on her ribcage. My vet did a needle biopsy and the results came back showing cancerous cells. He needs to do a more invasive biopsy this week to confirm the exact diagnosis. If that's not bad enough, last night she jumped up on the table- missed and went sliding off the other side. Shortly after that, I noticed her dragging her left back leg. She couldn't jump and kept falling over. I thought that perhaps she'd strained a muscle and let it go. By this morning, she was worse- so naturally we went to visit the doctor. He did a complete assessment, including a neurological work-up. It appears (completely unrelated to the cancer) that she has a blood clot in her back left leg. He put her on heart meds, aspirin and antibiotics. He also gave her an injection of pain medication. She's resting quietly (finally) in the dog crate I had for Toes. She seems to be in less pain, which is good. He seemed to think that the clot was probably small, or we'd be looking at paralysis. I'm praying that we caught this in time! I'll worry about the cancer after the biopsy. She goes in this week for a re-assessment with the leg, and a more thorough assessment for the cancer. Please please please pray!!!!!

UGH!!! Ok, Lord-- remember what I said about human suffering.... mine REALLY has reached it's limit!!!!! (Yah, ok- so I guess I need some prayer too... please??!)

UPDATE 12/3: Had Bandit to her regular vet last Thursday, because her paralysis was getting worse. Turns out that her orginal diagnosis was incorrect. She acutally had a spinal embolism-- aka a blood clot to the spinal column. She is paralyzed from her waist down. She's in good spirits and eating like crazy-- she just can't use or feel her back legs. Her regular doc put her on some meds, which he said might help. This morning, I was holding her and praying for her, and randomly touched her back end. When I did that she voluntarily moved her back leg-- in other words she felt my hand!!! I was on the phone with my vet in about two minutes. He said that was an incredible sign-- and he hoped that she may eventually (within about two months) regain full use of the back legs! Keep praying!!!

Things I'm Thankful For....

2007-11-19T09:01:00.000-05:00

Thank you God for...
my friends-- especially my friends from Women of Prayer (past and present groups)
my churches, and their pastors: Pastor David and Fr Nigel, and all the wonderful "family" I have at both
the gift of God's forgiveness
purring kitties
Tuesday healing services at Christ the King
Wednesday Soaking Prayer at Christ the King
mashed potatoes
the color blue
hugs from dear friends
honest mechanics
snuggly flannel pj's
healing hands
snow flurries-- and soft snowflakes that land on my face
fleece blankets
Hershey's kisses
sand castles
hot cocoa on a cold winter day
Psalm 91
backrubs
the sound of friends praying
monarch butterflies
snow storms that make everyone slow down
the smell of Lilacs
Communion- and the warmth I feel inside when I receive it
retreats
squishy pillows!
sunrises-- and beginning anew each day
the gentleness of sunsets
rainbows.... God's promise
healing of memories
stained glass windows
long hot baths
candlelight
mustard seeds
"God-incidences"
quiet days at home with nothing to do except sit and watch DVD's (romantic comedies!)
bookstores-- and the gift of reading
cold puppy noses
the gift of God's friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rejoice... Pray... Give Thanks

2007-11-14T23:07:00.000-05:00

This has been a tough few weeks for me for a lot of reasons, which I won't go into here-- but tonight, as if to add insult to injury, my kitty Bandit (Toesy's momma) climbed up into my lap, and I noticed a golf ball sized lump over her right rib cage. As I was holding her, with tears streaming down my face and unbelievable frustration in my heart, I was reminded of the words from the Bible, "Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances". With pain in my heart and voice, I looked up to God and said,

"Lord, I know your word says to rejoice, pray and give thanks-- but quite honestly Lord, right now I JUST CAN'T thank you for this, and I can't rejoice. Lord, there is only so much pain and suffering that the human heart can bear-- mine has reached it's limit."

I could tell by the calm I felt, that God understood. I know He is hurting with me, and knows that the time will come when I can give thanks and rejoice again-- but not right now. I can't in all sincerity thank Him for the suffering that I'm enduring lately. I can say the words, but God knows that they're not from my heart. What I can do, and am- is pray to Him with all my heart and lean on His strength, because right now I have NONE of my own.

I talked with Bandit's doctor tonight. He tried not to sound panicked, but did tell me that she needed to be seen as soon as possible. With my car problems, that won't be until Saturday.

God, please heal my sweet Bandit! God, please heal my hurting heart!

The Gift of Healing

2007-11-13T20:27:00.000-05:00

As I was looking online tonight for a support group of sorts, I found the following poem that really touched me. As I face really difficult times right now, I am reminded of the healing I find through my dear friends... Thank you Jeanne, Diane, and Fr Nigel.... thank you for loving me, praying for me, believing for me when I can't believe myself and not letting me give up on myself or God! Thank you for being God's healing presence in my darkness!! I am blessed to have such wonderful friends! I love you all!

The Gift of Healing

When we whisper words of life into a world of hate
We are planting seeds of healing

When we remove our blinders and reach out to our neighbor in need
We are nourishing healing

When we love our neighbor and ourselves
We are harvesting healing

When we choose to forgive and move on
We are forging a path to dispatch healing

When we rest and reflect on loving
We are sharing in the healing of the whole world

by Blanchette

Where is God?

2007-11-12T13:20:00.000-05:00

Where is God, when I fall to my knees begging for His presence, His help, His comfort-- and all I feel is nothingness.... emptiness....? Where is God in suffering? Where is God in hopelessness? Where is God in ceasless pain?

Will someone out there please tell me WHERE IS GOD?

So Tell Me God...

2007-11-09T13:14:00.000-05:00

Ok, so this hasn't been my best week ever... with the stuff with Tom (see post below), some unpleasant financial issues, my car completely dying, job problems-- so you get the picture... my faith has been weak at it's best. I'm not all to happy with God right now. Several months ago, when dealing with another round of questioning, I wrote the following list of questions I'd like to ask God. A friend once said to me that no one better be behind her when she gets to Heaven, because she's got a ton of questions for God!! This list represents my frustration, some serious, some light. Please feel free to comment/answer any of the questions!

SO TELL ME GOD....

Why do people suffer with Alzheimer’s disease? Why do they literally have to die twice to the people who love them?

What’s the deal with cancer—especially in children?

What is the purpose of carpenter ants, fleas and mosquitoes?

Why do some people have it easy their whole lives and others struggle day after day after day after day, NEVER getting a break?

What’s the deal with “natural disasters”?

What’s heaven REALLY like?

When I’m angry with you and can’t pray, do you still love me?

What on earth made you think Okra would be a good vegetable?

Do you cry when a woman has an abortion?

Where are you when I’m on my knees begging for your presence and your voice, and all I feel is completely alone?

The Bible says, “ask and you shall receive”… does this only apply to a select few? (see above question!)

Since no one is perfect, how good is good enough?

Can people in Heaven hear and see us down here?

Can’t you create one more day of the week or at least a few more hours in each day?

The purpose of the tobacco plant was what?

The Bible says, “Honor thy father and mother”…. does this apply to victims of child abuse as well?

Why do skunks have to stink?

If you can create things like rainbows and shooting stars, why can’t you stop people from hurting each other?

The Bible says, “Where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them”, so does this mean that when I pray all alone you’re not there?

How do you feel about Rap music?

When people are “speaking in tongues”, is that what Heaven sounds like?

Do you ever regret giving us free will?

What’s the purpose of thunder… and for that matter, snow and ice?

What’s your favorite thing about our world right now?

What hurts you the most about our world right now?

How do you measure success?

Why do roses have thorns?

Couldn't you have made broccoli taste like chocolate?

Another Kitty Update

2007-11-03T07:31:00.001-04:00

Toes came home last night!!! Hooray!!! THANK YOU GOD!!

He still has his feeding tube, which I (with God's help!) will somehow maintain. His first night home started out poorly, however, when he somehow managed to get the edge of the feeding tube caught on something and nearly pull it out. Yah, so we were back at his doctors office within three hours of his discharge. They said that it looked fine, and to watch for gross stuff coming out if the site. (Can we say EWWWWW!) He's also now feeling so so much better (which is great) that he refuses to leave the bandages over his tube. Yah, so we were at the doctors office again last night for that. They taught me how to put the bandages on properly-- but it was two of them working with him while showing me. We'll see how today goes.... perhaps some divine intervention is needed! (HELP GOD!!) Did the first tube feeding last night, which was no easy task with a squirming cat. But, I did it with few problems. Just gave him his "pre medication" for this mornings feeding (he gets three feedings a day), and it seemed to go more smoothly. (I think I'm more relaxed this morning too!) The actual feeding will take place in about ten minutes. (Prayers please?) He's on nine medications- most of which are twice a day. Fortunatly they go through the feeding tube. They're all really important, ranging from drugs to help his liver, to heavy antibiotics..... Just realized I neglected to post about an important occurance from Thursday.... The infection around Toes feeing tube was REALLY bad. His white cell count was through the roof, and the skin around the site was badly ulcerated. On Wednesday I had Fr Nigel (Thank you, Fr Nigel!) pray for Toes. The next day, I was talking with one of the Dr's taking care of him, and she remarked that the most amazing thing had happened. She said that just overnight, the infection and ulcers had cleared up completely, and his white cell count was completly normal!!!! I just smiled and said, "the power of prayer!". THANK YOU GOD!! The site looks fine (well, at least in their eyes... again can we say EWWWWW!) and he is acting like a perfectly normal kitty! He's eating on his own so much more. Once he is completly eating fully on his own, we'll wait two weeks to remove the feeding tube (just to be safe!). I decided to keep him in a large dog crate here at home. Jack is just too big, and too friendly. I'm afraid that he'll accidentally hurt Toes. Toes actually seems content in the crate, and I'm more relaxed knowing that he's confined and safe. He goes back to the doctor on Wednesday afternoon for a re-check, bloodwork etc. Will let everyone know how that goes. Thanks again for the prayers... keep them coming! (And add me to the prayers as well, as I try to be a "kitty nurse" for several weeks....patience and a strong stomach is needed!)

Kitty Update

2007-10-26T18:11:00.001-04:00

Good news!!!! Toes actually ate a little on his own today!!!!!! THANK YOU GOD!!! More good news... his bilirubin level is down to 1.2 (normal is 1.0) this is down from 10 just last week!!!!... his liver enzymes have improved... he's not vomiting the food he's getting with the feeding tube, and he's receiving up to 40ml at a time- about 5 tbsp my vet tells me.... This is all such great news! God is hearing our prayers!!

The only bad news, and unfortunately it's significant- but treatable, is that the upper respiratory infection is still raging. They've changed his antibiotic and are hoping this one will work. The other issue-- and this one is huge, is that the site around his feeding tube has gotten infected. They're treating it, topically as well as with the oral antibiotic. Please pray that this clears up quickly!!! If we can get him to eat enough on his own, the feeding tube should be able to be removed- but not until he's eating enough to maintain a good nutritional balance.

I was supposed to bring him home today, and maintain the feeding tube on my own. But with the tube being infected, we decided it's best to keep him there and in isolation away from any other sources of infection. I'm disappointed, but trusting.

All in all, things seem to be improving. Thanks for the prayers--- please keep them coming!!!!

In Memory of Mom

2007-10-23T23:13:00.000-04:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=umAuekSF4BY

Usually about this time of year, I start to feel sad-- really missing my Mom. Her birthday is next week, November 3rd. She would have been 88 this year!!! For some reason, as much as I miss her beyond words, this year I just feel joy! Joy that she's free from the pain and suffering that she dealt with during the seven years she fought her battle with Alzheimer's. Joy that she is with Jesus and has been reunited with her parents,her brother and sister, the two children she lost in miscarriage, and so many others. Joy that she is in her true home in Heaven. I still weep... I still long to hug her, to hear her voice- to just be close. But I know in Christ there is no good-bye... she still lives in my heart.

Above, there is link for a video I made tonight (you may need to copy and paste it into your browser)... hope you enjoy it.

Pastor Appreciation Month

2007-10-14T19:03:00.000-04:00

Have you hugged your pastor today?

I love October!!! Yes, it's the most beautiful time of the year- with the splendor of the trees changing color. Yes, it's finally cooling off, and the crisp Autumn days are so refreshing. Yes, the apples are at their best-- YUM!! AND..., it's also Pastor Appreciation Month!!!.... How many of us really knew that?

I love my pastors... both of them. Pastor David (my Latham church) and Fr Nigel (my Greenwich church) are the two most Christian men I've ever had the honor of knowing!! I consider both of them to be my spiritual role-models, and would consider myself blessed beyond belief, if I could be half the person(s) that they are. They exude compassion, gentleness, strength, generosity... the list goes on and on! But, the one thing I see the most in both of them, when I look into their gentle eyes- is the incredible presence and love of Christ!! God works so powerfully through both of them-- whether in their preaching, leadership, counseling,teaching,or the many, many other things they do to build the faith of so many-- God's presence in their lives and hearts is clear!!!

I thank God each and every day for the gift of these wonderful teachers in my life. I pray for God to continue blessing them-- strengthening their ministry, their gifts, their lives for His Glory!

I'll be taking some time this week to thank each of them personally.... for listening to me when I'm hurting, for leading me when I'm lost, for encouraging me when I'm feeling unworthy, for believing in me as I accept my calling, for being the person(s) I look up to in my quest to be a better Christian!

How do you thank someone for changing your life?

Yes.... I'll be hugging my pastor(s) this week!!!

Patience

2007-10-11T14:34:00.001-04:00

Ok, so waiting is not my thing...

My cat, Toes is very sick right now. He has Hepatic Lipidosis.... in layman's terms, fatty liver or liver disease. He got it when he decided to stop eating a couple weeks ago when I changed cat food. Apparently it wasn't up to his princely standards--and I can't say I blame him. I just feel awful that he's now really uncomfortable because of a choice I made. (In the future, I'll have to bring him shopping with me!) Anyway-- he's been in the hospital for a week, and we expect him to be there for at least another week or so. He's hooked up to IV's and receiving a ton of medications. He's still refusing to eat, which is really messing with his bilirubin level- in other words he's a not-so-lovely shade of yellow right now. BUT-- he's doing better little by little. The key to the healing of this disease is PATIENCE! My veterinarian tells me that we're looking at a recovery time of SEVERAL months. Yah... ok, so waiting is not my thing.

At the insistence of my veterinarian, I've been going to visit Toes every day. I sit on the floor with him for a few hours and encourage him to eat.... tuna, hamburger, baby food, hot dogs-- ANYTHING! Some days he'll make me happy and eat a bite or so-- but other days (like today), he'll turn his back on me and curl up in the corner. All I can do is pet him and let him know that he's loved and I'm there.

Today, (not Toe's best day) I had an interesting conversation with my veterinarian. My veterinarian is wonderful. I know without doubt he saved Toes life. He's knowledgeable and caring (Toes loves him!). He's also a Christian. As he was leaving the exam room this afternoon, I quickly, almost as an afterthought, asked him if he's been praying for Toes. His reply was immediate and affirmative. He and I have had conversations about God and faith before, and he's prayed for my other fur babies during their various medical crisis' Today, he could see that I was starting to loose faith. I've been praying with all my heart and all my faith for Toes' healing. But the last couple days, I just haven't felt that God has been hearing me. When I shared that with my veterinarian, he reminded me that not all prayer is answered quickly-- but it is ALWAYS heard. He also reminded me that sometimes God uses a situation or problem to teach us something. My response was one of frustration... "Ok... so what is God trying to teach me here?" He shrugged and lovingly told me I needed to pray and figure that one out myself.

So what is it He's trying to teach me? Patience perhaps? Trust? Endurance? A reminder to lean on His love? Ok, Lord- message received!! But why do you need to make my kitty sick to teach me these things?

...I didn't make your kitty sick-- but I can use this to teach you. I can use this to draw you closer to me!... Trust in me- lean on me- hold fast to my mighty hand!... Believe without doubt for Toes' healing!

Thank you, Lord! I needed that reminder.

Barring a miracle (please God!), on Monday, Toes is likely to have surgery to insert a feeding tube. My veterinarian tells me that this is the best way to progress in the healing process. I'm not at all thrilled with the prospect of him having surgery-- but I'm TRUSTING my veterinarian and God.

I'm also believing that somehow in the midst of all of this turmoil and stress that I will find myself a stronger and more trusting Christian.

Please, please say a prayer for my sweet Toesy kitty!!! Please believe for his full and absolute healing!

10/15/07 UPDATE: Just heard from Toes' doctor. The surgery to insert the feeding tube went very well and he tolerated the anesthesia very well, which was a concern because of his weak condition. He's in ICU right now, and will remain there for several days. He'll receive his first tube feeding later this afternoon. We're expecting that this will be the key to reversing this nasty disease!! Thanks for the prayers for Toes-- please keep them up.... God is obviously hearing us!!

The Hour I First Believed

2007-09-30T16:27:00.000-04:00

At my church in Greenwich, our priest often speaks about the "hour we first believed"- in other words, the moment we first felt Christ in our lives and hearts. For some reason I rarely share about that moment in my life, although it was truly the moment that shaped who I am now and will be forever. Today, on my ride home from church, after a special time of communion- I began remembering in great detail about those incredible moments and felt led to write about them.

As I've mentioned before, I lost my dad back in 1984. He was not a nice man- he really hurt me, (physically and emotionally) until the day he died. When he died I was SO confused--- on the one hand I was grieving what I never had, and on the other I was being told that I wasn't being a good daughter by feeling almost relief from his death. I was also REALLY angry at God. I kept going to church--but flatly refused to take communion!! Fortunately I had a wonderful pastor who sat week after week helping me work through my feelings. There were tears beyond what I could measure- and pain that was indescribable!!

One week we addressed the issue of the communion. We talked about why I didn't want to share in it- and how I transferred my feelings of anger at God into the idea of communion. I don't remember his exact words, but somehow my pastor convinced me to share in Communion with him.

We met on Christmas Eve afternoon (1985), in the beautifully decorated sanctuary of my church. My church (Calvary UMC) is a beautiful church anyway- but at Christmas, with it's poinsettias, candles and nativity-- it's beauty is beyond description!! My pastor and I went to the front of the sanctuary. He lit the Christ candle, and turned on only the light that would illuminate the large cross behind the altar, and then we sat together on the floor directly in front of it.

He began by reading Matthew 18:20-- "Where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them." Even though I was still really angry at God-- I was feeling His presence in huge ways as I heard this. (This is still one of my very favorite scriptures.) We then, talked about what communion is- really God's gift of love to us. After that, we shared in communion-- nothing fancy, just grape juice (we're Methodist, remember) and bread.

At this point-- the tears began to pour out of me. I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life!! All the pain of the past years of abuse, the confusion over my father's death and my anger at God- were finally being released from my hurting heart. Somewhere during my tears, my pastor leaned over to hug and comfort me. But-- I didn't know it was him.... I felt the arms and love of someone stronger, more loving, more comforting--- I felt GOD!!!

The next day I wrote the following poem, which still manages to bring tears of joy to my eyes.

I wasn't looking for the Lord, I simply wanted peace-
to rid myself of pain and hurt and make my anguish cease.
I went inside without a thought the Lord might be nearby.
My grief was real, my pain was deep- all I could do was cry.
My friend and I shared in His bread, and then we drank His wine.
Through this humble meal in which we shared, God shared His life with mine.
I found my Lord that Christmas Eve, He filled me to the brim--
I simply wanted peace and hope....
I found them both in HIM!!

Needless to say, after this-- my life was never the same. It's not to say that my faith has always been perfect or I've avoided pain and difficulty (sometimes I think that the pain of loosing my Mom is going to kill me)-- but I know without doubt that God (even when I've felt unworthy of His love or pushed Him away) has always been with me, loving me unconditionally and protecting and providing for me in ways that only HE can!! To this day communion is my favorite part of worship!! Each and every time I share in this wonderful, Holy meal, I relive that "hour I first believed".

Hmmmmm.....

2007-09-26T14:24:00.000-04:00

Today I spent the morning at my Greenwich church, it was much needed time to sit and visit with God-- sharing AND listening. Instead of my usual sitting in the chapel, I decided today to sit by the beautiful pond outside the Healing center. It was a glorious morning-- exceptionally warm for the end of September. I could hear the birds singing, the wind blowing- and God speaking.

I've learned that God speaks through sometimes the smallest, most innocent things and if we're not paying close attention we miss some wonderful messages. Today I received one of those messages-- I'm glad I was paying attention!

Just as I was about to leave, the most beautiful butterfly I've ever seen began flying around inside the pavilion where I was sitting. It was black with just a hint of blue and purple in it's wings. It had a simple grace that really caught my attention. I couldn't stop watching it. But then, it began trying to hide. It would go from dark corner to dark corner trying to escape the light or possibly, I wondered, my gaze. Occasionally it would fly down in front of, and then around me- not coming close, but just letting me see it's beauty and grace a bit closer. It would then fly back to the safety of the darkness. As I was trying to understand it's fear-- God showed me that I was looking at myself!!

What was God trying to tell me? Is there a grace and beauty to me that I'm not aware of? Maybe not willing to admit to? Am I afraid of moving out of the safety of my little "dark corner"- afraid to trust? Do I try to trust- but then rush away (maybe push away?) for fear of being hurt? Am I afraid of the light or love of others?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!

A lot to think about here.... a lot to pray about here!! Do others see me the way I saw this butterfly?

I saw beauty, innocence, grace, fear, gentleness, peace, quiet, pain, .... this is me!

Sunday is Coming!

2007-09-15T20:16:00.000-04:00

Do you have a favorite day of the week? That was a question asked of me in one of those obnoxious "getting to know you" emails that is going around. My friends were all participating, so I figured why not?! For me the answer was a no brainer.... SUNDAY!!!! I love going to church (both of them)! I love the fellowship, the worship, the communion (ESPECIALLY THE COMMUNION!), the closeness I feel to God. I love my Sunday afternoon prayer group (see post below)! Sunday is my uninterrupted day with God!!!! What could possibly be better? Sure, I like Saturday where I can sleep past 7am (when the dogs let me), and have a quiet morning reading and re-energizing from my busy week. But there is something about Sunday that I just can't wait for!!!!

On my desk at work, I have a small note on the corner of my computer that simply says, "Sunday is Coming!". When I put it there, it was just as a reminder that every day of work was one day closer to Sunday. But recently, on a difficult day at the office, I suddenly looked at those words very differently.

It had been a really challenging day.... heavy traffic on the drive in to work, difficult clients, an angry boss, piles of paperwork that wouldn't end, personal issues that wouldn't go away....... you get the picture!!! As I was about to start having a few "words" with God, I looked at my note... SUNDAY IS COMING!!

God was speaking to me.....

Sunday is more than just another day of the week, it's more than just the day we worship and pray, it's more than receiving communion, it's more than fellowship with other believers- it's the day that Christ was risen!!

On Friday He was crucified- He was nailed to a cross by those who hated Him. He was spat upon and laughed at. (I think He'd more than understand my tough day.) But, by the power of God- He overcame that darkness to rise from death and pain- and be an example to us all!

In our suffering, pain, challenges and bad days- it may seem like the darkness of that Friday night, but with the power of God in our hearts--- SUNDAY IS COMING!

God sure woke me up that day!!! I'll never look at that sign the same way again. Every day now for me, is "Sunday". Each morning I crawl out of bed (usually with the dogs doing their famous "take me out" dance)- I thank God for re-creating me... for bringing me from the darkness of "Friday night" to the brightness and beauty of "Sunday morning"!!

A Journey of Faith

2007-09-08T18:34:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is one of those days that we plan months for, and then suddenly it's here! I just emailed a friend saying, "I can't believe tomorrow is tomorrow." It's one of those days that you just know God has blessed!!

Five years ago, I picked up and read the book, "Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian. I liked the book, just ok. Several months later, after the death of my dear Mom I picked up the book again. This time it was life changing!! It moved me to my very core- it changed who I was as a Christian woman!

Then, it started happening.... I started "hearing from God"-- He's pretty hard to ignore!!! He told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to lead a book study with this book, and He even pointed me to my friend Diane as a co-leader. I wasn't even going to church then-(thankfully that has since changed!)- I had NO clue how this would unfold. But- with all things that God commands, it fell into place perfectly and in June '03 we met at Diane's home with 8 women who wanted to know God as a personal friend. We called ourselves, "Praying Ecumenical Women". God led Diane and I by the hand in the planning. Every move we made- every lesson we planned, we saw His hand in. We saw lives changed that year!! We saw women finding TRUE friendship with God!!!

At the end of that year, we were pretty certain that this "book study" was a one time thing! God must have been really laughing at us!... As we were finishing up the final meeting, we heard from Him again! Another year Lord? REALLY?

Well, there WAS another year, AND another year after that (that year's group name changed to "Women of Prayer" when we made it an "official" church study)! (I think there was a break in between, so I could survive some college classes!) Each year proved to be as powerful as the first-- lives changes, spirits renewed, God moving powerfully among us!!

Tomorrow, we begin the FOURTH group!!!! Who knew!??? What are you doing Lord? (This year's group was actually formed from a "waiting list" from last year!!)

Beginning a new group is always like the first day of school... new friends, new ideas, new growth! It's exciting, and terrifying at the same time! Every year, we have a dynamic and wonderful group of ladies! This year's group is no exception! I can't wait for tomorrow! I can't wait to hear about their faith journey's. I can't wait to hear about how they want to grow this year. I can't wait to watch them grow and come to know this wonderful man we call Christ! What a privilege it is to co-lead this group!!

Thank you God for all of these ladies over the last several years.... Rita, Cinde, Debbie, Kathleen, Allison, Laura, Hope, Ruth, Pat, Anne, Jackie, Mary, Debbie, Barb, Melissa, Jeanne, Deb, Mary, Kathy, Dee Ann, Lisa... and for this year's Women of Prayer- Toni, Debbie, Laurie, Phyllis, Chris, Karen, Nancy, April, Ruth--
and especially my friend of 25 years and group co-leader, Diane.
Thank you for being present in their lives then and now. Thank you for leading them to be part of this group.

Lord, you have blessed me so abundantly through this study! Thank you for leading me to begin it, and for pointing me to my friend Diane to lead it with me. Thank you for guiding us so powerfully in the planning. Thank you for being present with us at each and every class, and each and every planning meeting. Thank you for touching our lives, and the lives of these women of faith!!!!

And Lord, please bless this year's group. Move among us powerfully tomorrow and at all our classes throughout the next nine months. Help us to become true Women of Prayer!!

And to whoever is reading this blog-- would you please take a moment to say a prayer for this year's Women of Prayer? Ask God to bless us- so that we'll feel His presence in all we do and at each and every class-- seeing yet again, lives changed, spirits renewed, and hearts knowing Christ as a TRUE friend!!

Why do we hurt people we care about?

2007-08-30T21:35:00.000-04:00

Have you ever wished you could take back your words?

Have you ever said something, then immediately (or even a while later) realized the hurtfulness and harshness of your words? Tonight I hurt a friend by doing just that!

He's someone whom I respect more than anyone else in this world, someone who really is my spiritual role-model. He's the last person in this world that I'd want to hurt.

He'd done something to encourage me and support me in my call to ministry. He was showing me that he believed in me, in my gifts, in my calling. But I took it negatively- my own insecurity took over. I reacted very, very inappropriately- very, very hurtfully. I could tell by his voice and eyes that I'd hurt him. I just wanted to crawl under the table I was sitting at. Instead of apologizing right then, I withdrew and avoided him for most of the remainder of the evening.

Why do we do these things? Why do we hurt the people we most care about? My dear Mom often told me that we, "always hurt the ones we love". Back then I thought she was silly, just being a Mom (and laying on the guilt heavily). But, now as an adult I see the power of those words. Our words do carry power-- we can hurt or we can heal. God forgive me for making the horrible choice to hurt tonight!

I don't know if my friend reads this blog or not. If he is, I want him to know how very sorry I am!!! Thank you for caring enough to encourage me to "step out of the boat"!!!! Keep pushing me-- please!!! Please also, forgive me for the times, like tonight, when my insecurity and thoughtlessness may hurt you (sadly, I'm sure this won't be the last time!). Thank you for helping me grow into the person I know God wants me to be!!! God Bless You!!!

Believing in the Unseen

2007-08-29T13:09:00.001-04:00

The picture you see above, as well as the one always on the side, was take at Christ the King Spiritual Life Center, in Greenwich NY in the chapel of the Oratory of Christ the Healer. This is my very favorite place in the entire world! The break-through cross in the window never ceases to comfort, encourage, cheer and inspire me. What I see when I look at that is a visual reminder of what faith is all about.... believing in the unseen!

When we pray, with our whole hearts, we're believing in the unseen. When we worship God on Sunday and throughout the week, we're believing in the unseen. When we read the Bible and learn about this wonderful man Jesus, we're believing in the unseen. When we celebrate his resurrection on Easter morning, we're believing in the unseen!

That is really all God asks us to do with our faith... to trust Him enough to believe in the unseen. It is then that we find doors opened, lives changed, darkness lifted, weights removed, pain lessened and life renewed.

God's Promise

2007-08-28T21:08:00.000-04:00

I wrote the following poem in 1984, shortly after the death of my father. Those of you who know me, know that my father was not a nice man. I was going through some heavy grief, not for what I had lost- but for what I never had. I was in a very dark place in my life- but as with all times of trial in our lives- even when there is no light to be seen, God was ever present. I do believe that HE wrote this for me. I still have it posted in my kitchen as a constant reminder of HIS promise.

The sun may not always shine
and the rainbow may not always appear after the storm-
but I know that they're still there.

I may be loaded down with one problem after another
and I may spend hours upon hours crying.

But I know that behind the clouds,
and in spite of the storm-
the sun and the rainbow are still there.

Mary

2007-08-26T21:01:00.000-04:00

MARY

Every once in a while in this life, you run across someone who will, just by their presence completely change your life. They may be in your life for only a short time, or may spend years and years in your heart. But either way, they touch you in ways that make a permanent difference in your thinking and your living. Back in 1982-83, I met just such a person.

I want you to meet Mary.

High school was not easy for me. I was not a good student, and was not by any stretch of the imagination among the “popular crowd”. My home life was a mess and I fought a daily battle with depression- which would go largely unrecognized and un-acknowledged by my school. In my effort to find a place in the school and get through the monotony of those long days, I found myself volunteering for a program in the school, which was an extension of Wildwood School. It was a program where they brought in mentally retarded students and integrated them, in small ways into the mainstream of public high school. Mary was one of those students.

The day I began my volunteering was terrifying. I’d never even been around mentally retarded kids before, and here I was surrounded by them. But for some reason, I fought my fear and stayed. I’m glad I did!!! Mary was one of the first students I met. She immediately ran over to say, ”hello”. She never questioned why I was there or who I was, but she was happy to see me even as a complete stranger. Her openness and honesty took me off guard a bit- but it was also one of the things I learned to love about her. Mary and I gradually became good friends. She was two years older than me, but really had the mind of a young child. I worked with her one on one for one hour a day throughout the week, for a full year. There were days where she tried my patience, but there were days where I left knowing that she’d been the teacher that day.

What did I learn from Mary that year?
I learned about unconditional love. She taught me to love first and trust later and to not even think about judging. In today’s world that is SO hard to do. More often than not, that practice gets me into trouble. But, it’s a good thing to do, and despite the bruises to my heart, I continue to practice it.
I learned about true JOY! Mary had her bad days, many of them-- her life was not easy- but she pushed the “stuff” away and saw the beauty in little things. I remember time and time again having to re-direct her to our “lessons”, when in reality perhaps the greatest lesson was in the distraction that she’d found outside the window or in the hallway or on the other side of the room. To find joy in the world around is perhaps one of the greatest attributes a person can have.
I learned about hugging!! Mary loved to hug!! She didn’t care who you were- just that you were human was enough reason to give a hug!! Lesson learned!!
I learned to be accepting of differences. Mary certainly was “different”, at least on the outside, but she taught me that we have to look past the scars of this world to a person’s heart. It is there that we find that we’re all very, very much alike. Once we learn to look past the outward “stuff” we can find love for human-kind.

After high school I lost touch with Mary. Her mom and I had tried to say in contact, but with the hectic pace of my beginning college, we gradually lost touch.

Mary died two years ago. My heart broke when I saw the obituary. I remember crying my eyes out, as I’m doing now just writing this. This world has lost a wonderful human being- and I lost a wonderful teacher and friend.

Just this past week, when looking for information about a local chapter of the International Order of St Luke (http://www.orderofstluke.org/), I came across a name that was very familiar. It was Mary’s mom! We re-connected this week, and have shared many wonderful memories of Mary. It’s amazing how God works!! Order of St Luke is all about healing-- and in the simple act of just being who she was, not putting on any masks as our world does daily- Mary, in her loving honest open innocent joyful way brought healing to me back then and still today through her memory.

God bless you, Mary!! You really are a gift from God!!

2007-08-26T13:09:00.000-04:00

Ok, so let's give this blogging thing a try. I've had several people tell me this week that I have a gift for writing and a lot of interesting opinions on Christianity. They all tell me that I should write and share more. (I also had an English professor in college who told me never to write again! I think I need to find forgiveness for him!) We'll see how this goes. Comments (gentle please) are appreciated!

The title of my blog comes from a not so recent call to ministry. That was July '06. Up until last weekend I was able to pretty much ignore it. God never stopped reminding me, I just kept ignoring Him. A weekend retreat organized by one of my churches (more on that another time) about the necessity of forgiveness gave me the opportunity to get away from life for three wonderful days. It's not to say that the weekend was easy, it wasn't. Almost 48 hours focused on forgiveness (a tough subject for anyone) was at the very least exhausting. But it gave me time away from the regular routine of life: work, work, church activities and MORE church activities. It gave me time to sit at the Lord's feet and LISTEN!!! Not only was I able to find HUGE healing in some unforgiveness I'd carried most of my life, but it gave me time to realize how important finally answering God's calling was. He created me for a reason, with gifts given specifically for ministry. Ignoring the calling was in essence putting myself and my "plans" above His. He loves me sooooo much, and has blessed my life in ways that I'm only beginning to see. How unfair of me to ignore His call on my life. Do I know what that call means? Other than being relatively certain that it has something to do with Healing Ministry-- I HAVEN'T GOT A CLUE!! But, do I trust it?? YOU KNOW I DO!! I take this call one step at a time-- often now I'm finding, stepping WAAAAYYYYYYY out of my comfort zone. I listen for clues from Him telling me where to turn next and who to talk with regarding the calling. He won't lead me astray. I'm a sheep of His pasture. I still, however, often find myself looking up and saying, "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT, LORD???!!!"